Teardrops on Redwood

The Man

2010-09-18T22:35:00.005+08:00

I met the man. The eyes he had have seen the unseeable and looked into me. He never spoke a word of greeting but I saw his every word written across his face--etched there in lines I know are more ancient than my own handiwork. A well written story I had no desire to read.

"Abirl," he said to me, "You will never live. Not this way."

He meant, "Pride will be your death. In life you have nothing to gain."

It wasn't even a fact. If it was a fact I could have refuted it. I could have descried it. Understood it. Unraveled it to a nothingness where it would not have power to sting the immortal. My heart--if I have one--was outraged. It thundered within me like a horse on cobbled streets. {These things have nothing to do with me, yet I make use of them for your understanding.} It was a question.

I hate that man. If I can hate. If I can feel at all he is the only thing I feel anything about. No, I won't explain how I knew--knew what he meant; it's painful enough to just put this into words. I have never met someone who can see me. I often wondered what it would be like to be seen. (Now I know. It is the worst terror in creation.)

Not ordinarily seen like a sunbeam or scarlet thread against white cotton. That is only glimpsed, observed. I observe very little now, it is so--so uninteresting. I look. When a man passes me on the street he sees merely what I am--a boy with two eyes, a nose, a pair of arms and lanky legs studded with brown feet jutting far out from my rough jean pants. Even all this he will not really notice, though he might think he knows much more about me.

He, of course, knows nothing. For I see him. I see not what covers him and keeps him himself and obscure but the very depths and complexities of his inner existence. His soul, as people say.

The man saw me and I could not see him. He stood from his lofty purpose with every grain of pretense and power hanging over my impudent little head and I knew he could crush me if he wanted. He knew I knew. Still, he stared on, unfolding his power around us but never touching me. Not even a flake of the snow he shot around us in white torrents.

I wanted him to crush me. I wanted it to be over--this torture of my untouchable being, but he wouldn't relent nor would he release me to return to my existence. He looked at me with that disgusting weakness in his eyes that I scorn beyond any other weakness of the world and would find thousands of weak men who follow me in contempt. Some of your kind call it beneficence, others call it pity, and yet the closest your pitiable words get to it's reality is mercy.

Kill me! I growled without opening my mouth. it would be better if you did. I was defying him. I would grind his words into the ground.

He shook his head slowly lowering his head. My revulsion for him grew by the parsec. I couldn't see his terrible eyes but not seeing them, I dreaded what they might be withholding from me. I, who knew everything. Me. And for the first time since the beginning I had no thought for understanding--no comprehension of what he might be thinking.

"Abril." The very sound of his voice was grading enough to make me vibrate and shrink back. "There is still room for you in this universe. I have time to wait."

"Time to waste." I spat. It was the first time I had spoken. In that moment I vowed I would never hear my voice next to his. The unmeasurable distance between the two shocked even me. I had the greatest voice of all and it sounded like withered apples in a dry riverbed next to his. He deserved every minute of my unending loathing.

I know my words are incompetent--don't even try to reconcile these fragmented thoughts to each other--and I cannot have you understand. I am in the greatest--the only--upheaval I have felt in an age and an age.

Scratched on a ripped and burned parchment by ink pen in candle-light. I couldn't bring myself to the 21 age this hour.

~Abril

Night-time Words

2010-09-18T22:24:00.003+08:00

I'm weak. Weaker, perhaps, than I used to be, or perhaps, only knowing more about myself now than I did then. It flip-flopped in my mind as I lay on my bed. The whir of air-con and fan brushing against my senses unconsciously.

I'm thoroughly addicted to media. I tried going on a semi-fast and was too weak to manage it very well. Now that it's over I've gone at it like a child knowing his mother's upstairs hits the cookie jar. I take one bite, nibbling a gooey chocolate chip and chewy cookie, then it's all up with me. I want more and more and more. More until I forget my better intentions to have a productive, light and joy filled evening writing and dreaming.

It's a terrible thing.

I want my peace! I want to be that Christ-like girly without gulping down luke-warm indulgence, and gnawing at stale bread-of-idleness. God help me, (and I mean that very literally) I want to be a joyful thing. I want to cook and clean with all the viggor I sometimes feel.

I need you God.

I want you. I want your help.

Make me willing, make me humble, help this disease.

Break my addictions.

P.S. My other blog is starlikeyes.wordpress.com if you'd like to read more often posts.

To Be an Anne Again

2010-08-30T09:49:00.002+08:00

I screamed into the darkness. Take me away... Far away. I wanted to go to the lands of my eyes mind--lands of green hollows, daring adventures, swordplay and horseback riding. somewhere I would be alive and living to save, living to protect. A place where animals could talk and elves roamed the great forests making them fairer than the trees, light, and water of our world.

I wanted to live again. Breathe again.

Take my chains and turn them light. Give me joy from the depth of my soul. I want to take delight and a child-like joy in everything I see. The trees, the flowers. I want to be an Anne after my own kind! Someone with eyes for a beauty, seeing romantic things ever. Watching for fairies and deepening my imagination. Feeding it and growing it until it surpasses my worries and doubts.

Would I have to give up any progress I've made on being responsible? I hope not...Anne didn't.

2010-08-16T18:32:00.002+08:00

I lay stretched out on my bed in the darkness of an unlit room. The sky must be completely overcast as little light filters through my thin blue-flowered curtains. It's only late afternoon, and rain torrents fall in a soothing clamor outside my window. Ah, it's lovely today. In a completely wasteful way.

I need to work on being more...more...what's the word? Disciplined, that's it.

Well, it's an interlude, I must get back to writing on the Colombia book! It must be written!

Introduction: Abril

2010-08-06T11:53:00.001+08:00

Life is a strange experience. Something so small and finite, yet over centuries the greatest of humanity have struggled to understand it. Struggled to grasp and comprehend it so they may be masters of it. Foolishness. If only they knew that mastery is not pleasure and understanding no joy. It is the freedom in dependancy that I know not. That is what they should rejoice in. There is the secret to joy that I will never experience.

But instead they want freedom from their ignorance. What a fickle race they are. Ignorance is bliss, is that not one of their many expressions? When will they learn that the greatest joy is in what they cannot experience with their five senses. Only through the soul can true life be found. But most of them are dead in their souls. Many claim to know the way to life but are blind. How could they understand life when they've never been touched by it? No, it's breathing, tasting, the silent solitude in a single moment, that they do not know.

When they learn the secret to full attention, then perhaps they will live.

Life is now.

Enough about my philosophy--as you call it--you need to know who I am. At least, a little about me. Then you may begin to comprehend, if indeed that's what it is. You want a name perhaps? My name. No, I haven't one yet. You must understand, from where I come there are no names. We remain nameless except when we have discovered who we truly are.

I have not had the great fortune of discovering that yet. For now, if you must have a name, call me Abril. Simple. Uncomplex. So very little like my life. I have a world to show you. One you will never have seen before. Yes, smile and find these words trite. They are hardly enough, but they will have to do.

It is the way you communicate here, isn't it? In my world we have no need of words. My lack, therefore, in words you must pardon. I will do my best to express clearly what I have to show you.

Do you dare experience the world through my eyes?

~Abril~

Defeat a.k.a. Lessons for Success

2010-08-06T10:59:00.001+08:00

I can't help but feel a little broken. That's all I've been asking to become, actually. I'm praying for a broken and contrite spirit. I need God's help to live and breathe again. I didn't get a lot done yesterday, because I wasted the day. Now I want to try again see what reasons I have to keep going.

I'm learning something new now. The truth is, I've discovered that it's only through a lot of failure and defeat that you make it to success. If you don't get up again after you fail you'll never fail again, that's true, but you'll never succeed either. Every day that I find it really difficult to write on this book, I am stretching my inner muscles. My discipline muscles. The more I stretch them, and the more continuously I use them the stronger they'll get.

So I'm going to keep pressing on. I can't give up now, I've only just begun. The other day when I was praying with my mom she saw a vision about this. It's really encouraging, because in it I was running a race with hurtles. At first I toppled several over and almost wanted to stop, but God was saying to not worry about them.

"There are plenty more hurtles ahead. Don't worry when you miss a few!" He said.

So I kept going and then was distracted by the forest. It was beautiful and mysterious--enticing me to go have a look at it. God warned me not to go off but keep running on the path. I came to more hurtles and they were much higher. This time they had wine glasses on them and I skimmed over the tops without spilling any of the water. There were people also cheering me on all the time, despite the fact I was running this race alone.

I made it to the end and all the rest is for another time.

WIP WordCount: 15,122

Trial

2010-08-05T17:35:00.000+08:00

Does this work?

Start with a Hook, End with a Bang?

2009-12-08T15:33:00.002+08:00

Sounds like a crazy old man who goes fishing with a revolver. Once he gets a bite, reels it in and pulls it into the boat he shoots the wriggling fish to kill it. Sure, this makes certain it won't jump out of the boat but it also ruins the fish. Oh, I can see him on the pond now. Yeah that wasn't the best idea. The boat's sinking.

Ah well, we shall turn away from such a foolish idea. We are not old crazy men. No. We are young insane writers is that not true? and our hook and bang serve a much better purpose then spoiling and despoiling fish.

In the Twilight It's so Hard to See, What's wrong for Me...

2009-12-07T14:31:00.002+08:00

I suppose I should write on you more often. My poor neglected blog, you grow dusty and sad without my seasoned words to perk you up. Not that my words are particularly tasty morssels. My current struggle has perhaps quelled my desire to write. These things are not good. I am losing vocabulary and not strengthening my writing abilities.

My struggle has all to do with that terribly popular series Twilight. I'm so confused about it! I can still vaguely remember the days when I first heard about it and was adamently against it. Slowly over time I changed. When I went to stay with some friends (very wonderful people) the girl is a huge fan of twilight. She showed me a trailer and out of curiosity I asked her about the books.

It seems that my progression has been slow and jerky but in the wrong direction. Stealthily my resolve not to see the first movie was overrun and I watched it. Feeling rather bad about it for a while because I was very unsure if it was the kind of thing I should watch. Then, continuing with my resolution not to have anything to do with the books a year passed smoothly.

Now my brother has read the books, the brother I so admire. He is still in the process of reading them. It shook my resolve somewhat and made me reconsider taking a took at the books. The second movie began to be advertized and I watched the first trailer they released. It looked rather interesting. The second trailer had me wanting to watch it very much. But when I saw the third trailer (which gives a little more of a view of the Volturie--or however you spell it) I was much more hesitant about watching it and decided I wouldn't.

This being still several months before it came out, everything I constantly heard about it began to eat away at my reserved choice. Now that I've seen the third movie I'm all in a fuddle trying to figure out what I should feel if not what I do feel. I enjoyed it. Pure and simple it fed on my girlish heart's Hopelessly romantic state. The Vampires in the Volturie--though disturbing--didn't bother me as much as they should. I felt myself overlooking many of the problems in the movie.

I'm sure someday I will look at this and be ashamed of the way I have behaved in these past several months. Not so much because of what I have written here but because of all that I have not written here. Things that used to be certain in my mind are now questionable. If I don't stop and ask those questions who knows where I'll end up.

So here I am, stopping to ask myself questions in an effort to get to the bottom of this. Is there anything wrong with enjoying these movies or books? I don't feel guilty about it but is that any excuse? The bible talks about thinking on things that are pure, lovely, noble etc.--Is twilight pure? No. Is it Noble? Only in a twisted way.. As for Lovely...well not in the way that God spoke of in the bible.

The greatest danger here, is not so much that I fall in love with Twilight and all the books but more all that comes attached to doing that. My heart and soul will have compromised for entertainment once again. Is it really worth it? I've started across the line I previously determined I'd not cross just as I did before I set that line in place. My descent down this slippery slope could be very rapid if I don't stop and think, clinging to an overhanging branch from the tree of life on the plain above this slope.

But how do I convince myself that Twilight is bad? I am impressionable. I am just a Teen--a teenage girl no less. (emphasis because that is the target of these books.) I haven't even gone into all the problems with the content of the movies and books. The unredeemable state of the characters, the flippancy with which the main character treats her soul, the obsession of the main character with the Vampire. The list could go on and on.

In Fact not only the list but the blogpost. I could continue on my confusion and indecision and all the reasons I shouldn't read or watch anything to do with Twilight. (Indeed my con list is far longer than the short and superficial frivolous pro list.) So, I will end it now as I have run out of time. Do you want to know what conclusion I have come to? Well here it is.

Putting all that I talked with my mom about and all that I've thought and/or written here, I've decided it's best to keep all Vamp-ed ideas on the backburner of my life and focus on more edifying and equally entertaining sources. All I'd ask of you is to think and ponder your decisions before you make them. This is what I'll be trying to do and I hope I've shed a little light on this subject if not nearly enough.

Goodbye!

Longg time no write..

2009-10-27T12:00:00.002+08:00

This is the third milkshake I've made in two days. I want to get good at it. Right now I'm listening to Lilith, by George MacDonald. It's verry interesting.

I haven't written in a while because of many things. I've been preocupied and attentive to a slightly different blog I'm afraid...Here's the link if you have any desire to read it.

http://starlikeyes.wordpress.com/

This seems to be my more real life, what's going through my head, blog. The other one has a lot of imagination to fuel it.

Whatever was on my mind..

2009-10-01T17:27:00.002+08:00

I feel a bit like one of those animals from an unwritten asope fable. I constantly want to be trying on new skins to find which one best fits me and can't seem to just settle down and be content. I can almost see the entire tale forming itself to be about an unpropitious elephant. At least that's why the elephant is called so.

At times I feel my mind is filled with beautiful shining thoughts that should be displayed on paper. My mind I picture as a long stemming plant with dewdrops of fanciful thought suspended off the ends of delicate leaves just about to take leap. The only problem with this image is the flattened version of the dewy lovelyness once it has let go of it's safe perch. They don't shine with golden light shooting through them when they lay as dark splattered spots of wetness on cold cement.

So often I don't know what to write. Yet I must write. I must go on and press forward seeking betterment in my craft. I only must also pray every day for the help to accomplish that. Speaking of which..I should be off now.

Amy

P.S. Sorry for abandoning you temporarily for another skin. I've come home like a prodigal but don't count on me not running off again. I'm rather like an impish sprite when it comes to putting thought into word.

Scraps and Pieces

2009-09-10T19:33:00.002+08:00

I remember the summons. The trumpet call per say. It sounded over my life and left me quivering in the wind like a banner with a sudden realization of new abounding purpose.

My words are powerful. The weight behind what they say could be the unravellings of my dreams. But I won't let it be. I don't know what makes up the composition of a good writer. What people find so delicious about their vivid prose. I find there are some books where each sentence is a mouthwatering morsel to the mind.

At the same time I read books that make me need to fight simply to read through the next page. If they are of edifying quality I do persevere towards the end. If not, well I close them, set them aside and wait for a more benevolent mood to pervade my consciousness before I try again.

The only problem is I have yet to realize what makes the difference between the former and the latter. I am determined to find out even if it takes me my entire life. It seems that one of the few things that has been hugely on my mind lately is writing. I suppose there's no surprise there considering what I am about to undertake.

From the 1 of November until the 30th of that month I have determined to undertake the challenge of so many others. I will write 50,000 words within that time all on the same book. Yep you read it right. I'll just end this postnow to give you time to get over the shock of it ;).

Make of It What You Will...

2009-09-07T14:52:00.000+08:00

Every day I fight with that demon that tries to control me. My struggle shows progress from the days when he did have me under his crushing influence. I now have help, but that is a long story I don’t think you would--actually, I think you should hear it. It may be a strange tale but it happened to me. Make of it what you will but this is something I cannot withhold without denying you the greatest experience of my life. The tale of how I first learned to live.

It is the demon that tells me I am worthless. The one who comes to me, drags me to the bottom and after silent screaming tells me no one can hear me. No one would care anyway. That I'm not worth the air I breath. It would have been better never to have existed because then I wouldn't have taken up space.

I take his thoughts and images and ideas shoved down my throat and swallow it all. I take it as fact, a solid reality of what the rest of the world must think. I see from the inside of this dark cone. This existance that defies acceptance and cries out for an end. I take it and want to give up. This is the edge of depression. This is the edge of darkness.

I turn around and look through eyes covered by his lies. Everywhere I see the things that reinforce the power of his bond over me. I forget about his existance. It is only me. Alone I stand faced with the truth that there is no reason to fight. Truth has the greatest power is that not what I've always been told.

I am still and silent. No more hope throbs through my mind like the blood beating through my veins. I am a disgrace of the race I was created to be a part of. Nothing I do or have ever done is worth anything and all I am is a dead weight to the world. I should just give up. No one would care if I simply disappeared. Simply existed no longer. Life would go on.

But there is a side I cannot see from here. I am blind to it's existance. He stands just beyond where I sit. In thunderous anger and panic and tears he pounds with all his mighty force upon the prison of my lies. Sweat turns to blood on his forehead from the excruciating amount of his agony. What does he suffer for so completely? Me.

His voice is hoarse from roaring at the heavens over me. His clothes are in shreds from his prodigious torment over my chains. The mountains tremble with the power of is emotion. Earthquakes and catastrophes cover the land that is empty and without life. He will not give up. In his endurance his passionate fury and vociferations for me he lasts for days in a violent battle for my life.

With dogged tenacity and awe-striking willpower he turns to the last resort to defeat the devil that holds me in its grasp. He stretches out and turns to take the final blow that was meant to end my life. The uproar of the elements, of thunder and oceans in turmoil and lighting and the wrending of the earth, there was a sudden silence. Time stood still, if in this place it existed at all. Nothing stirred for an eternity that lasted three days. The fires and storms ravaging the earth continued in their paths of destruction.

If this were a story this would be the point where everything ended. This would be the point that you throw the book against the wall and have your own little tantrum of the unfairness of it all. But I am here writing this am I not? Had that been the end I would not be alive. He who died was my loving Jealous Guardian. He who died had power to subdue the whole earth. He who died had power to give life and bring distruction.

He who died, died wholly. But then the miraculous happened. The only being in greater athourity than he raised him from his death. In his death he had gone to a place of infernal feriocity. Through fire and brimstone he went to the place too terrible to write about, the place of no return.

He went to the demon who had power over me and fought those three days for me. He took what was given to me. That which I had handed over to it. He took it back to himself. It was life. When once his task was accomplished the one who's athority was greater than his raised him from that death into life once again and put him above all else. His name held the greatest power and authority for he was the one who had battled and fought death and conquered with life.

I was utterly unaware of what raged beyond my silent depression. In the stifling thick darkness I was ready to give up. I longed for an end and reached out to give myself release. But before that darkest deed could be done a dot, a tiny light, distracted my attention. For a moment I had something real to focus on something other than myself.

As I looked through bleary eyes without hope at that small fragment of light it grew. I had become so adjusted to the darkness my eyes began to sear with pain. The pain made me blink and groan reaching up to try and block out the horrible light. The pain began to rouse me, I wanted something. I desperately wanted something for the first time since the beginning. The beginning of what? I didn't know. I wanted that light to go away. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to scream but still I was not awake enough for even that.

I rolled and writhed on the ground trying to block out the light. But it grew brighter. It surrounded me. I forgot where I was and only focused on the pain. Then suddenly a voice like rolling thunder sent a shock like a lightning bolt through my being.

"Awaken. Come to me. Come. Wake up, you have been asleep for far too long."

It was soft and gentle but to my ears that had been deaf to noise for so long it was too loud. A new pain sourced in my ears began throbbing through me. I finally dared open my eyes again. I forced myself to focus through the pain and slowly it began to ease. My eyes began to focus. As they did I saw a man. He was dressed entirely in white and shining like the sun.

He must be where all this light is coming from. I would have asked him to go away if I had been able to think but I couldn't speak. My eyes adjusted more and I realized he was no ordinary man. If I had been fully myself he would have taken my breath away. As I was I lay there forgetting the pain that still throbbed through my head and stared dazedly at this divine being.

He was human, I could see that, but somehow so much more than just human. Words escaped my muddled confused mind to describe him then but still there are no words to express his awesome existance. Like a wave of electric current flowing out in a pure untamed form I was struck by his presence. It flowed through me, radiated from me and utterly surrounded me. I felt more alive then it seemed possible, as if at any moment I might explode from the amount of life surging through me.

To simply be alive in the same world as this being made me want to jump and shout and sing and cry and laugh and...live. Tears blurred my vision and I shook with the powerful emotion that struggled to find its way into expression. I lived again. I was awake. I drew breath for what seemed like the first time. The air set my lungs on fire and again there was pain but I could bare it now. I was alive and he was here beside me. Nothing could stand in our way.

He knelt beside me and gently drew me into his embrace. The sweet rich scent of earth and sky, flowers and fruit and even sound such as that of a mighty waterfall and a cooing dove, filled my lungs and I rested.

After a long while he lifted me in his strong arms and put me on my feet. Looking into his eyes I knew he had a purpose for my life. I knew that I was not worthless to him. He made me want to live, to love, to exist.

"Will you come walk with me?" he asked.

My eyes brightened and I nodded breathlessly. He took my arm in his and turned towards the world.

"I have so much to show you."

I could sense the excitement in his voice and I felt it flood me as well. We took a step in unison and I began to truly live for the first time.

Rubber Band

2009-09-06T18:46:00.003+08:00

I'm glad God made me a little like a rubber band. You can stretch me out, twist me around something several times, drop me, or step on me and I'll still bounce back to the way I was originally. If you pull me back but then let me go I'll go flying where you send me. Sometimes I might hurt people without knowing it but I try and help hold things together.

For some reason I'm such a flobient(made up word) person. I will fly sky high with joy and turn around and fall into a deep pit. Thankfully I redily climb out of that pit quickly. Perhaps I feel a little like David. He was a very expressive person. Because his heart and life was so tightly aligned with God, his emotions were tied deeply into that relationship. When he did something that didn't please God he was thrown into the depths of despair until it showed in his physical health.

In my relationship with God purity is key. When I sin I feel like a stone is put on my heart and weighs it down heavily. When I do something that isn't quite sinning but not in alignment with God's will the same feeling comes. I try to hide away from the facts and say to Him and myself,

"No, no. That's not what I mean."

He knows best but I still haven't been able to trust him completely. A lot of that is my fault. I haven't taken the proper amount of time to get to know him. I don't separate a time to spend with him everyday even though I should. I'm in the least busy part of my life and if I can't be with him every day during this time then when will I ever?

So I'm a rubber band in the hands of God. I just haven't let myself be stretched as much as I can be. Instead I'd rather be left hanging on a door handle.

I need to read His Word enter His World and get to know who he is.

Jealousy

2009-09-04T16:24:00.002+08:00

Here I am like a long lost relative showing up to drop off a cake like I never was gone. (That's my newest form of an apology for not writing.)

Now onto the topic that is given you in the title. It's a feeling I haven't had frequently over the course of my life. This makes me unequipped to deal with it when it does come to grace me with it's ugly face. I hate how powerless I feel against it. I want to be able to anticipate the green vermin at the door before it makes it's way into my heart.

I have no idea if it is something that should flatter him/her who it is directed at but I know it certainly does nothing to help bring people closer in friendship. There is an unexplainable bitterness that comes into the voice and mannerisms of a person suffering from this slimy creatures presence. Nothing that the victim of a jealous person has done would have triggered it necessarily caused it. Sometimes bragging or any other slightly annoying trait might have lead to it but often the person had little to do with causing it.

When in some amount of success or 'good luck'* the person reaches a goal that said jealous person has dreamed of there is the possibility of such envious thoughts. From personal experience, I have discovered that one of the best way to help loosen the grip of this green demon is by encouraging the jealous person in the area you might figure out that their jealously came from.

Anyway I'd best actually wrap this up and post it. Even if the thought isn't complete.

Amy

Inadequate Transformed by Grace into Beautiful

2009-07-31T07:39:00.003+08:00

As I was going through a lot of my posts I noticed a similar theme through it all. Something I know isn't right. When I get close to heart issues I cut myself down and tear my own character to pieces. This is NOT humility. It's lack of self esteem and I'm learning that it makes God's heart ache over me when I do it.

He loves me and doesn't want me to see myself as so inadequate, weak, and unworthy. He didn't create me that way and wants to show to me more and more each day the way he sees me and the way he made me to be. The more you believe something to be true the more likely it will come true. I am beautiful. I know. Not in pride, but in fact. He made me that way :).

If you want more on this topic, I've written a longer segment on it and just say something in reply to this post.

God is My Precious Treasure,

Amy

Precious Treasure of God. :)

Old Drafts, Newly Posted!

2009-07-31T07:29:00.002+08:00

I started going through my old drafts and finding ones I wanted posted. Here they are. For one reason or another I wasn't happy with them at the time so I didn't post them. Either they weren't complete or cut too close to the heart in any event. I've posted them up and here they are:

The 'Duh' Moments of Life

Words of Another to Fill for my Own Lack

Skittish Mind of Mine

Music! Musique! Musik! Música!

Life is Life and I am Laughing

I don't want a Relationship, I want a Friend.

Stepping Stones to Godliness in my Heart

He Know's Best, Whether We Like It or Not...

There you go :). I hope some of them are ok.

Disk Golf, Lost, Found, Family, and Friends

2009-06-26T16:39:00.002+08:00

It being the 26th of June I am begining to see the error of my ways by not writing and am trying to start being the writer I pray God has made me to be. Through HARD work and CHALLENGES I hope to make it all the way...

It is 1:41 in the morning here and I must go to bed. First though, I must tell you about yesterday. I started the day with a strange dream about living at my Aunt Ruth's house on the bottom of a sloping green mountain that was climbable but very steep. I was with all my cousins and we climbed the hill/mountain in search for a good place to go for a nice walk in the forest. The way to get to which was on a highway at the bottom of the hill. Anyway, we climbed and I didn't look back because I am scared of heights. When we got to the top I almost went over a ridge before I realized it was actually a straight cliff drop to where I wanted to go. The forest was faaarr far away below.

At the top I think we were going to go down the side of the cliff. Anyway there was a contraption my uncle was using to check our healthiness. I was rather worried because I was thinking about how much I'd been eating on this vacation and I'd probably gotten out of shape a bit and gained weight. I woke up before I could find out.

It was the strangest wakeup call I've ever gotten, that was undeniable. My dad and brother, Josh, were singing "Happy Birthday Not to you.". I was stirred out of my deep wondering sleep questioning, "Who's birthday is it then?" I was instantly summoned to breakfast and being fully clothed jumped out of bed and joined the family at the table upstairs at the Boys house :). (Yes the names of our hosts were the Boys.)

After a HUGE breakfast of amazingly good quality we made our way out the door to go have a family outing of Disk Golf. If you don't know what it is. Ask me. I needed to get something at the store before we went so Josh kindly took me there first (No R2D2 it was not your Rolling Stones magazine. I have yet to get that :P :)).

Because of our little excursion we didn't have directions to get to the place to play Disk Golf so we got thoroughly lost. I still enjoyed the time because it was spent with Josh, even if it was a getting-to-be-frustrated-and-currently-preoccupied Josh :). A moment spent with him is never a wasted moment.

We eventually got there (with help) and had a very enjoyable time playing the game. I enjoyed the romance of running through fields of grass in a long flowing skirt. (Girls you should try this sometime :).)

Skipping the time we spent at the bank, I got to see where Joshua works as well as meet his co-workers. Ducky being the most entertaining, fun, and memorable one :). I hung out there for a long while and then went to Barnes and Noble looking for said magazine-ahem :) saying all this cuz you're probably the first to read this :). Instead I found and read the first 60 pages of Miles to Go--Autobiography of Miley Cyrus :).

After watching some more Shrek at the Mac Store, I left with Josh for Fabric Depot, where my good friend Sarah McCarty works. We ooo'd and aaa'd over a lot of cloth and how it would make good fairy/nymph/elf costumes :). We are two peas in a pod really :). Then Sarah took me home to her house and we've been hanging out here since. I've enjoyed our conversations extremely much :). We talked about movies and friends and fears and crushes and all manner of wonderful things :).

Now it has gained time and I say adu at 2:12 AM. Goodnight all who care to read these ventures.

P.S. It's nice to have my possessions back, including my computer :).

Amy

Not Edited :)

Leaving

2009-05-25T10:08:00.004+08:00

Here I am my life has lacked involvement and I still don't write on this thing! I'm leaving for the US tomorrow so I wanted to write while I'm still in Malaysia. I hope to write a lot while I'm there but who knows.. I'll try!

Anyway, I've got stuff to finish getting ready before I leave so..bye!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Words of Another to Fill for my Own Lack

2009-05-19T13:47:00.003+08:00

Again life carries on and I leave you behind! My inspiration has been as low as my morale.

I know what's wrong the only problem is

my lack of drive and willingness to

accomplish what is necessary,

to return to who I'm supposed to be

and leave who I am
in the dust

forever

Then forever pressing on, I'm pressing on. I'll put all my inhibitions aside

cause I think way too much on a one track mind
.

I gotta get away, get away from all of my mistakes.

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to

The kind of person you deserve to worship you

I can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
told myself what i need to hear
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw
our conversations change from words to blah, blah blah
and who I am hates who I've been
cause i struggle with forward motion
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too

You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

I'm getting into you
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
if i had one wish
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time

All these words are lyrics from songs that I love so don't mistake them as mine. :) Mostly from Relient K.

Recent Events :) Star Trek!!

2009-05-12T11:12:00.002+08:00

Man...I'm sorry I haven't written in SOOO long.. It's been a long while and I haven't felt like writting at all..

I mean come one what's wrong with me?? I've had some really great days I should have recorded and yet I didn't! I mean since I last wrote I've spent a ton of time with Apryl, I had my birthday, Mother's Day passed. I've been to Aquaria(how do you spell it?) with Jey/R2D2 and his Youth Group :). hahah!

Ooo you know what we did last weekend when I was over at Apryl's? Since your silent guessing would be pointless I'll just tell you hahah! We went to see Star Trek!! Yippee!! I wasn't a trekkie but I'm definitely on my way to becoming one hahaha :D. Greaaat movive all except one...ahem...dirty scene =.= have to go and ruin a perfectly good movie don't they?

If you haven't seen it yet then go and watch it :D. Since I spent that night at Apryl's house we stayed up really late (or shall I say not so early? hehe..) and talked for a couple hours. We figured out that it's not Kirk who's the main character of the movie...it's, for many reasons, Spock!

Yep, he's a lot in this one and I think he's a much cooler character than Kirk the ladies man xP. He's so...logical..no hahahah kidding, just sounds like the Vulcan thing to say haha. As for the rest of the movie I can't tell you anything cuz that just might ruin it for you! I think I'd probably give this one a 8 1/2 out of 10 :).

Well, let me now tell you a bit more about my time with Apryl. We went to the movie on Thursday (Opening Night!! haha Last time I did that was for Star Wars III) and got donuts at Big Apple afterwards :D (Note to self and anyone interested: never get donuts on a date =] haha!). After washing off the chocolate that got all over our hands and mouths, we left the Mines (that's where we were) and went to the apartment.

For some reason we decided we hadn't had enough TV yet and we settled down to finish watching an episode of American Idol haha :D. Uncle Aiman went to bed and we quietly took our stuff over to the other apartment that Apryl's family use and decided to be very spontaneous and crazy. Ah, the fun of being able to do nothing important and stay up super late because you know you can sleep in the next day. It's like eating dessert. Having it every once in a while is really tasty but to much of it is both sickening and makes you fat and sluggish XD.

We sank into the black couch and decided to watch a Bollywood movie. By now the time would probably have been somewhere around 11 PM. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Bollywood?? Those shows last for around 3 hours don't they? Well, they do. We were just going to watch it until the intermission came. The only problem is that it never came. We were about 3/4ths of the way through when we figured that out and we just finished the movie.

If you do the math you probably realized what time it was by then. We still hadn't had enough for one night. We got all ready for bed and then talked for another couple hours before we turned out the lights and talked ourselves to sleep. *Sigh* What a day :). We slept in until 2 the next day (can't exactly say morning can I?) and I got up with a sense of extreme vacation. I haven't slept in that late for a very long time and it felt gooood.

I was thinking that only people who spend their time as if they're always half on vacation can have such a good time doing nothing more memorable then simple being together and building close friendships. At least it seemed that way for me in the past. Perhaps only extremes can get this way. Extremely worked out and stressed or Extremely lazy. Ok wait..I'm not calling my friend lazy! She's not. I am :) hehe..

Anywho..we watched the end of Braveheart that day and then they drove me home :). I'd better get going to do school now..hope you liked some of what I had to say..sorry I've been out of the knack a little and need some brushing up on my English and writing skills...

Adios!
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

I don't want a Relationship, I want a Friend.

2009-04-30T10:42:00.002+08:00

If I were to explain this it would easily be explaining things that are my secrets :). I just stumbled upon this sentence late last night in the clarity of midnight stillness. It perfectly describes everything I've been going through over the past several months..oiy..I'm tired. And I should be doing other much more productive activities.

The 'Duh' Moments in Life

2009-04-21T21:32:00.001+08:00

Guitar! I love playing it now. I'm still not very good but I'm improving and that's what makes it fun. Today I finally did the OBVIOUS and went online to look for help on strumming and reading tabs. Now I'm learning how to play the song I'm Getting into You by Relient K!! Yay!!!

I might start telling my daily events tonight as a pre-going to bed thing. I must say this though before I continue on this blog. All the ideas and thoughts or things I say I'm going to do are just brainstorming stuff and I might never continue along them as the point of this blog is to simply write and write in abundance, that's probably why not many people would take the time to read it...but anyway!

Amy Trying again

Signing off

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Brainstorming

2009-04-16T00:50:00.004+08:00

I know I wasn't going to be on my computer for a while but here I am again. Anywho I'm just dropping a note to tell you I have a ton of ideas for this blog and either they won't even take off the ground or I'll test them out but I hope you find a feature you enjoy.

I've already mentioned one of my ideas but I'm not sure where it will go. Here's a bunch of brainstormed stuff and only the future can tell whether it will actually work or not.

While I'm in the US I'm going to try and have a daily recounting of what I did from the morning until the evening, a general account of my days activites. Whether you find this interesting or not it's going to be so I can look back and remember my vacation. We'll see how far I get before I am too tired at night to write anything =).
Another idea is to have a post that starts with a Bible verse/quote/poem or something of the kind and a post that is devoted to delving as deeply as my rather inept mind can on that subject which I choose. XD. I'll probably only write as long as things interest me and therefore some posts might be short and some long. Who knows if I can even do this.
Another idea is something I've been needing to do. I need to enlarge my vocabulary with a lot of great words. I must start brining them into my stories, into my other writing, and into my conversation. I love big words and I hope this works.
I'm also going to try and have something to tell you about my latest reads. This should help me keep going with my reading and give you an idea of what my interest are and about the books without spoiling them.

s I have a lot of ideas and these are just a few basic things. I hope to expand and develop this blog as I develop my writing and a capacity to write lenghty amounts in one sitting. I'm learnign slowly and I love this place to be free to delve into it and have at the same time an invisible drive knowing that someone might read this and find a bit of interest in it.

Farewell Fair friends and fiends alike!

Find your way into the light :)

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

School! Farewell Computer!

2009-04-13T20:27:00.002+08:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while but I'm actually just writing this to let you know I'm not going to be on for a while...like a couple of days. I know it's not that long considering how far apart some of my posts are but I'll say goodbye anyway :).

I realized it's only a month and a half before we go to the US and I have a lot I need to get done. I really need to ignore all else and focus on school. Thus I say farewell. Arg I need to stop thinking about Youth so much haha. I gotta get school done!! So much to do! So little time. Goodbye~

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Skittish Mind of Mine

2009-04-10T01:56:00.002+08:00

It's a few minutes to 2 am. I am exhausted and sick and tired of this stressing situation. I look forward to tomorrow evening because after that I'll be done with this and I can look forward to getting away from here for a bit over a month. If you know of the skit I'm putting on for Easter then you would most likely think that it was the stress in putting that on.

Actually that's not really true. I loved doing this and enjoyed hanging out with most of them. No most of the time I enjoyed hanging out with all of them. The only times I didn't were when there was a problem within me...ahem... Anyway...I'm sorry guys if I've been too harsh or anything!! I'm super sorry :(. I hope I didn't get you annoyed at me for being so tense..

The tangles of my heart, mind, and soul have been deeply involved in this skit. I have been constantly pulling myself in opposite directions until I'm in tatters and falling to pieces. It's not easy to deal with you being mad at yourself haha! :p. I know, I'm weird and most of the time I'm not crazy but I don't have the appropriate words to describe how I feel and it comes across that I'm a little mad..

You know like the fact that I get super angry at myself until I glare off into space and pound the air and sometimes pound the walls with controlled motions. In all truth I'm glaring at myself and getting up tight at my own fallen idiotic self :). I make weak descisions and say foolish things that most people won't notice, but I notice and demand better of myself. I'm working on it. You see, when I glare off into space I usually am moderately sure no one sees me but I picture the face I make to myself and so on..

I try and be very harsh with myself though I fail utterly...I let myself go to far. I am indulgent and spoil myself to the most unacceptable limits. I beg with myself and let do like a child who has a tanturm to get his way.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Life is Life and I am Laughing

2009-04-06T20:11:00.003+08:00

I believe I'm learning to laugh at myself. That is instead of feeling totally embarrassed when I feel that I look totally ridiculous or do something foolish and perhaps humiliating, I try and smile as if to an inside joke or laugh at myself before anyone else gets the chance and it takes the sting out of any comments from others. It can also take the fun out of them too.

The times I'm not at all good at this is when I say something and later regret it. What I mean is, I go home and (figuratively...most of the time) bang my head on the wall for what an idiot thing to say. I know that probably the people I said it to will forget it and not consider me as stuck up and show offish as I sounded. But I do get really annoyed at myself over such situations.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Music! Musique! Musik! Música!

2009-04-06T16:54:00.004+08:00

I love this stuff!! I spend a load of time listening to it. In our day and age as teens it is something there are very few people I know who don't listen to some form of it.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

p.s. About the title, order of language: French, German, Spanish

All and Only About...

2009-04-06T16:50:00.002+08:00

I've decided to start a new kind of post. I will pick a topic, object, idea, or whatever and write only about that thing. The Title's will be the name of that thing in four languages..sorry I'm no good with Malay...I don't know just wanted to be random.

Ok..so I'm going to try this...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Poetry Posted!

2009-04-05T23:27:00.002+08:00

I just put this post up! Please go read my poem and tell me what you think! I know the story is rather shallow and incomplete..but hey it rhymes! No honestly, tell me what you think :).

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Simplicity is Key

2009-04-05T23:17:00.002+08:00

Life and leisure
Pain and pleasure
how to measure
all we have

Joy and pain
loss and gain
mad and sane
cold and plain

where you find
God divine
life is greater
than for
those without

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Stepping Stones to Godliness in my Heart

2009-04-03T13:12:00.002+08:00

Once I am firmly founded in the Faith, then I will seek out such friendships as to strengthen and challenge me. Not by my own strength will I stand firm but by throwing all my trust on the Lord I will find a strength that is indomitable. His wisdom will be mine and my heart, soul, body, and mind will be his to mold as he created them to become.

I will depend on him fully and he will be my shelter and my guide. No one will find their way past his fortified citadel in which I will reside unless invited to enter by him alone. He will guard my heart as it is in his possession and only give it away to whom it is fit and made for.

One resolution I have already made:

I will not date until I am 18 and at that age I will re-examine the state of my heart and soul and hold counsel with my God as to what my new resolution will be.

Stepping stones.
There may be many
but it's much easier than climbing one slick crackles step to the very top that resembles a smooth cliff.

There is such a thing as over admiring someone, over respecting them. We are all human, filled with failings and certain ideas that are dented and perhaps even twisted and wrong. If we put someone above failing, not only will it make them fall all the farther and hit all the harder, it might just happen that they fall on us and we are crushed by it.

Respect is something that should be given freely to all. Admiration is a far more precious gift and should be doled out with moderation and deep consideration. Sometimes it also helps if we do happen to find ourselves giving admiration to someone who perhaps is not quite as deserving of it as we thought, that we keep the fact that we so admired them to ourselves until such a time that they might be greatly benefited by it.

I now have a gift, not yet wrapped, it is a very special gift because it is a story. And what make it so special is it happened to me. Though I must say, only one person will it benefit. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to give it to that one person but I will write it and hope to present it to them when it might actually help them. Once I wrap it in words, I will set it aside in a corner of heaven where God will tell me when to give it.

Amy :) The Lord's Alone

He Know's Best, Whether We Like It or Not...

2009-04-03T12:40:00.004+08:00

Every day I find a new fresh reason for God's request of me to give up the one friendship I might value most. And every day I feel as if that must be the very reason. Time after time I see that I was right or wrong and the reasons add up together. But then they must fight, with a certain vigor, against my heart that will occasionally decide to listen to no sense. It is obstinate and refuses to accept the wrongs as more substantial than the rights. But then, it is in the morning's clear fresh light that I see truth written in every wrong and only half hearted truth in every right.

The scales are weighted in a new light and the truth comes undeniably on God's side. I mean to say all of this in how my heart fought against God's Best judgment but all along still knowing at my very core that since it is from God it must be for the absolute best no matter what it looks from my closed perspective.

My mind as circled and circled the situation like a vulture circles their dieing meal. I have gone from wondering if it is from God, to feeling sure that it must be from him, to wondering why it's so bad for me, to feeling that it is good for me whether it is fully from him or not, to feeling that no matter what the things I lose, good or bad, it is God asking me to give it up so I will do it regardless, to feeling that He must have a purpose in it.

And then my mind gets back to wondering if it is from God and so on. If you haven't already noticed, the song by Relient K, Over Thinking, is very applicable to me XD.

All this comes from a situation in my life where someone, without having the slightest idea of it, has much more power and sway over my mind then I would have anyone other than God possess. I am glad that I will be going to the US for a month or two because perhaps it will clear my head and heart so I might be more firmly rooted in The Rock of my Salvation. So that whenever rivers flood their banks and waves come to wash over me with all the power and strength of a full blown storm I will be unmoved, so deeply rooted will my heart, mind, soul, be in the truths and convictions given me to carry out to the fullest of my ability.

I know that someday I will meet the one man who I can trust with my heart fully. Someone who will, with Godly judgment, a like deep love and close following after Jesus, and as steady firm convictions as I have, lead me and guide me through life into the greater Glory beyond.

I understand, at last, why I shouldn't try and gain a friendship at the moment. No matter how compatible our likes and dislikes, I do not have full control of my convictions and heart and therefore am not ready to see opinions of others and decide for myself what is right. At the moment I would be more inclined to sway to their position, whatever it is, then to form my own based on the word of God, or to maintain my already developed one.

I know one argument has risen to my mind time and time again and now it finally loses all it's weight. I finally picked it up and found that although it looked like a lead weight it was no more than Styrofoam. I kept wondering if it were possible that I might have a positive effect such a person. I thought--ugh but it's too silly and rather foolish to describe how much I thought I might be able to have an influence. Such comes from my vain conceit and overestimating of my ability to control not only my own heart, but my words in such a convincing way.

All in all what I've learned:

The Lord is always right, even when I don't want to admit or accept it (hopefully only at first).

Your Foolish Hearted Thinker,
Signing off.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Do you want to see what I have?

2009-03-31T12:57:00.003+08:00

Ok..
*Deep Breath*
haha.

I'm going to unleash all these pent up posts that I've been to afraid to share. Well..not ALL of them but a good bunch. I wrote most of them in one day as I believe you will see. Hope you like them even though I didn't have the time or patience to go through them all and ad some bright colors. Not sure if there's anything worth reading in there but then that's me. Eventually I'm sure I'll have something worth your time but for now...

PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK XD.

Here it goes...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

All Things to All People and Yet Genuinely Me

2009-03-29T15:17:00.002+08:00

ARRGGG!!! When will I ever learn to write a spirited emotion filled post that is NOT about any particular person!!!!!! GRRRR I WANT EMOTION HERE. EMOTION PEOPLE.

Oh boy now it almost has a bit of my very small director side. I WANT TO YELL AND SCREAM AT YOU AND AT MYSELF. Note to self and everyone reading this post: You is refering to no one. Unless you want to consider me a lunatic with a split personality which I occasionally pertend to be...I have stopped being ashamed of who I am. This IS me. AND IF YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT THEN IT'S YOUR LOSS...no lahh..

If you know me then you know that I'm not like that.. I was just trying it on for size XD. I would normally say that'd I'd try and change but that's wrong. Yes, I believe it's WRONG!! I'm not going to change my personality to suit the pet peeves of people just to feel accepted. I will do everything possible in my power to be a friend to them but I will not change my core.

My existence depends on becoming more the way God created me to be. NOT whatever the whims of my acquaintances and all those around me would have me be. What people think of me only matters as far as the verse from Paul says something along these lines (I can't remember where it is..need to find it XS):

I will be all things to all people.

Yeah well..that's probably not exactly the words but that's the just of it. He was referring to how we should be all things to all people. Anyway I need to be off now so I'll just get this posted!

haha, Whew! I just got a bunch of drafts out there onto my blog! Now my number of drafts is down to 31 instead of somewhere around 45 XD.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Of Things Beyond My Comprehension...

2009-03-29T00:05:00.003+08:00

Really, I don't know what magic is held in this hour of the night. Perhaps it is because of the Bible I half listen to as I try to get to sleep. Perhaps it is the fact that I try and find sleep. Whatever the case this is the hour that my mind is at it's height in the day. I cannot breath but I think and process my life as it is up to this hour.

And the more I think the faster my heart accelerates along the highway of interesting discourse. It finds it's way unwittingly into the most illuminating settings as seems to only be brought on by half sleep. I was thinking about my friends. I thought of how I could write an entire Essay on their virtues apiece. They, as everyone, I believe, have a complexity of mind and character to furnish an essay that distinguishes as quite amazing and beautiful creations in the sight of God. Pardon my formal manner of speaking, though I quite ruin any slight affect it might have had on you by mentioning it, but I have been recently influenced one of the most brilliant pieces of literature.

Pride and Prejudice is written in a way I highly admire and marvel at it's...it's attributes. Words fail me on this point for from the perspective of a prospective writer it contains some of the finest qualities of which a writer would proudly put their name to, that I would very much desire to imitate in such a fashion that would only be intended only as flattery. But seeing such amazing quality in her writing I am certain I could never come close to doing it justice and therefor would only do it harm and injustice if I were to even attempt her style.

That is the very reason I will fill my mind with good wholesome books such as her own and all the other dusty novels that have survived the ages and become immortal books that will not fade from our memories as they did not from those before us. But this is not the reason I was inclined upon to rouse myself and take up my Whitestag and begin my rambling.

Let me see, I was roused to write for the very purpose of recording one such strong emotion as should not be forgotten as it most probably would have been by the marrow. I have discovered two things, both of which are of utmost importance to my welfare, happiness, and purpose in life. As I lay tossing on my bed it came to me, I believe from the one in whom all good inspiration is found, that if I begin a new fresh start by fervently devoting my time in prayer and reading of the Word, then everything I see that is so displaced and altogether undisciplined and unorganized in my life would begin to right itself.

The second point soon followed along another tail of thought. It is this: that if I were to once learn how to become more like my Creator and God, my Savior, I would be able to live for others and thereby find fulfillment in giving pleasure and comfort to all those who surround me. I see that living a life entirely devoted to the benefit of others is the best way to live and also the most satisfying and gratifying way of pleasing the only one to whom we should do anything.

That in essence, living for others does not equal sin and is actually the very fundamental of all those who have lived and died Godly men and woman with a zeal for eternal gain. And the only thing to prevent perfect happiness achieved by living for everyone but yourselves is that very personage who to the very core is of fallen in nature. For we have all fallen to the temptations of the world because we came from the world and have once been captive to the king of sin, the Devil himself.

Until that beautiful day when Jesus rose in great triumph over the grave that claimed him for three days, we were under the evil ones power. But on that day we were given the choice to be set free and no longer be chained to evil depravity, debauchery, and all other detestable things which dragged us through the sludge and slime of the earth. For we did not really realize any evil in our actions until the law revealed it to us.

Then once our conscience was awakened, if not seared, what kind of true joy could we find in all such unprofitable acts of our sinful natures. So now we have a choice, where before none existed. That we can be cleansed is in itself a miracle of grace and mercy from the One who we owe everything. Is it not the noblest and most lovely of things to imitate him in every attribute?

Tell me if my heart speaks foolishly, but is it not the greatest thing to be able to live and walk as he did, in the very likeness of a servant? But of course the whole world protests. Our very own hearts, which deceive us and wish to steal away our true joy, shudder away and want nothing to do with such a way of living.

And that is were the struggle lies. Our flesh and selfish evil nature claws at us, digging it's blackened claws into our sides and choking our resolve from once so happily steadfast hearts. That is where all the pain and the suffering and harship and bearing of the cross come from. Our cursed fallen nature is the reason we must live a fight and find it so hard to lead a life according to the ways of God.

I believe God tried to make it clear to us how hard it is. And many of the things we see as being the most difficult thing in the world is actually the best thing in the world. One such as Romans chapter 12 where it talks about presenting ourselves as living sacrifices on the alter and daily laying down our lives in essence our human nature and everything that pastes the words me, myself, and I to it.

If only we could actually get past that. Then we might have a chance of really following the Lord. If we were totally selfess then we wouldn't have any of the pain and struggle that is the lot of everyone on this earth. Either you your way fight with pain and suffering to the Godly road or you slip into the pit of hell where pain and suffering is eternal. Is it not better to suffer unbearable pain here and now for a mere instant than to live in eternal overpowering wretchedness?

But this is our nature. Our so terrible fallen nature. To fall so short and

Oh there are not words to describe hell! It being the most unimaginable place of horror. And yet we do not look into that pit enough because we prefer to forget what lies so far away in the indeterminable future. We let people around us fall daily into that terrible pit that we so deserve and cannot but turn away our hearts from the grief and the pain for it is too great to bear. A burden carried to the cross that was equal to all the justice we deserve in hell. He gave us a grace that is everlasting and passing of all understanding! How long will we keep it for ourselves? How long will the devil keep close guard on our tongues and minds filling them with uncertainty and doubt to make certain that if he cannot have us rot away in his kingdom of damnation at least we will not be able to bring any others into the understanding of God's truth and Love.

Now at last it is clear, if only for one breif moment that will last no longer then a lighting rod. We are so deserving of hell. That is the terrible awful truth. But we have a God of justice and yet more of mercy and grace. How can we keep this from others? How can we let them sit in darkness refusing to see the light when what we know will send them into an eternal darkness with no return, no more chances and the end of joy for ever. How can this not be expressed enough? And how many sit in darkness who sit in pews and believe themselves on the way to heaven? How many have been deceived by their own 'righteousness'.

There are not words in this primitive language and my even more limited vocabulary to describe hell. Just as equally there are not even wordless things in this world to begin to give any faded diluted vision of the perfection of Heaven. They are so vastly, so eternally different at the very opposite of everything with no place in between for waffling.

Can that not help us to see the importance of reaching those who have not even been told of the existence of either? Or know of both but are deceived in thinking they can get to one when they on the straight path to the other?

I don't know how God can use me or why he even created me to be a part of such a world. But there is an urgency that cannot be seen or expressed properly but only felt and given by God to those who are curious in the least bit to discover the purpose to this world. Last night I asked question after question and found myself slipping into a blazay gray fog of confusion and apethy.

And now my eyes are opened to understanding and before me I see the leaping heights of a blazing inferno filled with all the punishment and wretched misery of the utterly forsaken and hopelessly unforgiven. The shrieks of freakish terror at seeing God, their creator turning his back upon them echo forever into the void and they are forgotten. Forever.

When I was but a little younger and of slightly more innocent less touched heart and mind I saw the slightest glimpse of hell and it made me squirm and thrash at the utter terror and aweful evilness of it. And I would scream out to God at the injustice of it. How could a God who professes his love to us give us over to such a place? Even if his tears did flood the earth because of it. How could he? But then, or now I should say, (please understand I do not profess to know these things and this is all a weak understanding from my frail and young mind) I see, or more feel, also before me the true extent of our fallen wicked nature filled, covered and consumed with every sort of evil. We deformed, distorted, warped, twisted, mangled and disfigured ourselves to the point that we were no longer of God. We took all that God created, which is everything, and discarded it for a despicable void that God could not distinguish as anything He created or made. And in his perfection and infinite unimaginable holy, righteous, pure, good, glorious character of unfathomable, unchangeable justice he could not touch us because he had given us a choice to leave him.

Is that not the root of everything? In God's Love he gave us a choice so that we would be more then just slave-like robots without any true affection or love. That our choice to love him would be worth something. But there had to be an alternate choice, and that of death and destruction. And everything we see, everthing within us that argues against the wonderful unarguable goodness and greatness of God come from the devil who we gave dominion over the world and has changed it into a most terrible place. A place unfit for eternity. A place with so many flaws and half voids or half truths as we call them.

That sin being the reverse of something and not previously existing was so the opposite of everything that was whole and true that it became something tangible and real just as a vacuum is real even though it is only the absence of anything. Therefor this void became as tangible as a solid black diamond that separates us from God that something stronger even than death had to be willing to give by death, life to all who were behind this separation.

And then on the other hand I see before me a place that is not just one scene but all scene's of beauty and loveliness. A blazing Glory of all the most beautiful sunsets and sunrises with more hues then the human eye can conceive letting it's full force flow out across a forest that made it seem all the brighter by the way each tree's leaves turned the light this way and that to display it to all it's best advantages. And nowhere could you look but be consumed by a breathtaking view. Even the sight of the smallest butterfly floating across the scene held all the secrets of beauty the world has ever wished to posses.

(Raw words nothing edited I'm must apologize for that but this is my free grounds..soo..whatever la. XD)

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

What I will say, My Mind Leaves Me No Rest

2009-03-27T23:28:00.003+08:00

I know someday I will forget all that is so important to me now. The friends I consider so valuable. The people I feel so close too. The ones I long to know better. The home I have here in Malaysia. Everything that is so dear to my heart and mind now will fade into no more then the few pinpoints of light made by pictures and stories.

My heart will not be remembered. Nor will everything I always wanted to say but never knew how to express. I don't know how to live this moment to the fullest. But I want to learn.
How can you miss something that you perfected by experiencing? Perhaps that is the way to avoid regret for not remembering the past. If you try and make the absolute most of every moment then you won't need to try and improve it in the future by reminiscence.

Only to leave it untouched like a delicate butterfly to enjoy once and never regret not knowing what it was. Or perhaps our longing to remember comes from our longing to be remembered which comes from a desire to belong.

How can I know? I'm but a young 16 year old who longs for wisdom and living life to the fullest. I want to glorify God with my life. And learn how to avoid regret. And learn what my purpose is in this present time that I might fulfill it. That is what I long for. Understanding.

I suppose there is also somewhere deep inside me a longing to be acknowledged and a girl with a mind. One that had more depth then the simple skin deep picture the world plasters upon us. That is why I want to see deeper into things then what just anyone can see. I long to understand the way things are supposed to work. And learn a way to try and help them work that way.

I am inspired by one person to write and write and write. I can't say what this means because I myself don't know. It is late and my mind is still whirling. Every time I turn out the lights and close my eyes a new thought flashes across my consciousness and I can't seem to stop writing. So I continue in the hope that something I write will be worth it.

Do I entertain you? Yes I know, there is nothing new under the sun. It is just that we must find those things that have not been out in the sun for a long enough time that they have been forgotten. Therefore they seem new and exciting.

I will keep asking questions in hopes that one day I will stumble upon an answer only to begin uncovering hidden truths and answers all over the place. In other words, my pursuit of knowledge and wisdom will hopefully lead me to them.

If not a word I have said makes any sense to you please read my disclaimer. Thoreau had the right idea when he said those words. I know the tangled fashion in which I write is rather dull or confusing. Perhaps someday I will find something really beautiful and then I'll share my excitement with you.

I will enter a world of the most brilliantly colored thoughts and illustrations, and I will share that with you. Is not good wholesome entertainment what I should try and attain. Give me a purpose and a longing to pursue it and I'll stop asking circular questions and be satisfied to chase after it with all my heart, soul, mind, and body; in essence everything in my being. This being God I need only the deep longing to pursue it.

He promises:
I will give you the desires of your heart.
What a most beautiful two folded promise. It is in itself everything! He first promises to fill our heart with dreams, longings, and good desires, and then turns around and fulfills them!

I must be off to bed as my body will turn into mush if I don't get some sleep even if my mind continues working. I pray this will not be the last time I am filled with inspiration.

Goodnight and Fair the Well!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Bigger or Smaller?

2009-03-27T23:20:00.003+08:00

Is it not easier to discourse on small minute subjects than large universal truths?
Let me show you what I mean.
If I were to ask you to write an essay on "What Life Is" how would you react? I know I would be like:
*Blink*
"What?"
Uh...Life is..well..hmm...where to begin..

It's too big to begin anywhere. BUT what if I asked you to write an essay on "The Importance of Eating Your Green Vegetables" wouldn't that be a bit easier?

One perspective out of many.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

My Random Wonderings

2009-03-27T23:10:00.003+08:00

I've gotten to thinking. Yes and most likely OVER thinking. Because I've been wondering about the worth of conversations. What is the point of talking, chatting with people? What does it do? Does it benefit the person? Does it benefit you? Or how about this...

If it should then...
How many conversations have benefited you lately? I have trouble answering this question.
What is beneficial to talk about?
How can you have a worthy conversation?
Even if you talk about high things and important ideas to improve your mind how have you benefited?
Is it out of a longing to belong that we spend time chatting?
How can we spend our life and make it worth while?
Ok that was randomly off topic...meness :).
BTT(Back to topic) When are we wasting time and when are we helping each other?
What makes a friend real?
How do you make a true friend?
(quote from zoegirl)What is the meaning of life?
I've asked myself so many times
Is there a reason I'm here
i wish someone would make it clear
cuz I'm livin' from day to day
feeling so far away
maybe this life is not what I thought
keeping my eyes on you is something I've gotta do
even when I don't feel like it!
(hehe..Zoegirl not me)

For now that's the end of my queries.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Those Insolent Imps

2009-03-27T22:59:00.003+08:00

UGH! I would like to get my hands on an Inspiration Imp. That's what I think inspiration is. It is on little imps that slip into your mind and whisper things that can become beautiful ideas. BUT THEY LOVE TO DO IT AT THE MOST ANNOYING TIME!

Like when you're about to fall asleep! They stay as far away from you when you grope in the emptiness beyond your mind for something to write. They have no respect for proper priority!

And then.

AND THEN when you are about to slip into sleep your subconscious brushes a brightly colored thought that must be put down immediately or else it will be lost forever. Imps love mischief and that is why I'm certain inspiration must be doled out among a very mischievous group of imps!

As you can see. It is late. I got inspired. It is too rare to pass up. Now I lost my other inspiration in my wrath against those little sprites! So I will attempt sleep once again...
Sorry for the lack of beautification of my posts lately. And for the lack of posts. I'll try and get up my last night inspiration posted soon. XD

It's a poem... XD

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

What I've been trying to say...

2009-03-27T21:19:00.004+08:00

inserted 1:25 pm 31 march 2009: Please understand, let me make it clear before hand that this is just what it seems. A POEM. Not all of it is really true. Some of it is inspired by what has happened in my life but it's the overflow of a sentimental heart. Even if it was partially true at the time things can change from day to day but I'm still going to post this thing. All is just a poem, so there. You should consider yourself glad and be thankful that I'm even posting this. xP (hehe unless you find it so badly written..)

So here I am so filled with excuses.
And then I turn away, walk out, stay quiet, and never speak my mind.
cuz all I was I left behind
in your way
but you'll never see it
because I left you too
and never even told you
all that I thought
all that I was
All that you ever meant to me
and everything I wanted you to be
cuz I saw all your potential and didn't know how to say
that what you did
helped me stay on my feet one more day
Once you taught me
and then you gave me
the greatest inspiration of all
that I could stand tall
and ride the waves
that kept washing over me
you'll never see
nor understand
all you've meant to me
cuz I can't say
what I can't be
and all I am I left behind with you
you were a friend
though I'm not even sure
I ever let you know that
and there I was
just wasting your time
saying things that were worthless
I've asked myself so many times
what kind of friendships I so want
and there I was wasting worthless words
on a friend I never got
Instead of saying all I meant
I said all that I could care less
if you ever answered my strange queries
I didn't want to bug you any more
so I should have stayed away sometimes
and let you live you life
and watch you find the right one

And what was I but empty words?
when did I give you the reason?
that I always wished to be
like a sister
like a friend
to you
and I just waited and let it go by
and all I could do is sit by and sigh
but then it struck me that I could pray
and that's what i've been doing all day
I'll pray for you to find the way
that I lost when I met you
so don't find me strange.
don't find me rude
I just wanted to be a friend to you

I know you'll succeed
and then you'll go lead
a life that's lived for the God you serve
and when you die he'll give you life
to live even better then you do now
I'm sorry for the times I left
so many things unsaid
so here I am I've got to say
You're cool, your great
I admire you
Thank you
and good bye
and goodnight to you
have a great life
God bless you
you know you've been like a brother to me?
This may sound weird
that's why I never said it
but you've taught me a lot
though I don't know how to tell you
you were a friend when you didn't know it
and now I am here wishing I had told you
even if you hadn't cared
at least you would have know
that someone else was caring
someone who you could have thought less about
who knew so little but cared a lot
I'm not here to be bought
but given away as freely as God gave all his love to us
cuz he gave me this gift
It's called agape
and I've given it to you
just like he gave it to me
but I just don't know
how to tell you
I just don't see
when to say it
but I don't wanna
say it at your funeral
as I've seen so many regrets
on the faces of people doing just that
when they might have encouraged
instead they were afraid
that they might be rejected
they might be derided
But really life is too short
not to share all the love
and admiration we're given
to give it away
not holding on for way to long
and finding our hands are empty

I want to say so many things
but how can I come and bring
all my friendship when it will sound silly
and sappy and weird
to say that I like you
you're one of the coolest
guys i've ever met

I look up to you
and admire you plenty
but this all sounds silly
coming from me
cuz I just ignored you
for way too long
though inside I was watching
you go along
and seeing the way God wants to use you
and here I am hearing my friends abuse you
now wait no that's not right their your friends too
and I don't feel strong enough
to speak out above the noise
and ask for some kindness
after all they're just joking right?

But please be assured
I'll be praying for you
In God your future's secured
And I know they care too
Please don't be alarmed
but what am I saying?
You'll never read this
and you won't be staying.

I'm a sentimental sap
when it comes to brothers
I think of you as one
though I'm not even sure
I was ever your friend
but I counted you in mine
though you may not ever know

Yes I know you're flawed
But who of us is not?
I never said I like them
but God's working on that
and you'll deal with them in time
maybe when we meet again
on the other side
you'll hear all I left unsaid
while I was here on earth

But nevermind me
I know your busy
Have a great life
and I'll just say this
I'll remember if no one else does.

BUT wait! is this the way I want to live?
Is this the way I'm gonna give
everything I am to God?
Without being willing to share
my heart with those I love
yet they don't even know I care
How do I dare?
to share my friendship
without seeming to want any more
I guess I'll wait
for the right opportunity
The one God gives me
to give you my friendship
and admiration
when you need it most
I'll save it for a rainy day
When life looks bleak
cuz I know right now
it might just be like
water of a ducks back

So for now I'll say goodbye
hoping to be a friend
when you need it most someday
I'll be there to repay
all the help you've given me
without ever even knowing

I'm here but who knows where you'll be tomorrow. God takes us away sometimes...friends separated

I'm nonsense.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

The Light in the Window

2009-03-26T22:53:00.004+08:00

There once was a light in the window
that fell on me in the middle of the evening
it came from one such high skylight
where a sunsets rays could not penetrate
When once I stood on one cabinet up high
what I did see was such a sight
as would make any one lady sigh
yes sigh a sigh of delight

For there trapped in the window
was a fairy of fine delicate figure and form
who once was a midsummer day's light
and all arrayed in such glorious bright

for all fairies are light that once did transform
in a storm on the sea at midnight
into the most beautiful brightly arrayed nymphs

Who with delicate wings
did beautiful things
high in that dark midnight sky
Then the sea was so pleased
it's storm was appeased
and the lightning gave over
it's brilliant blinding light
to robe the small figures

now back to my tale
let me finish but never fail
to tell you the beautiful thing
this little trapped vision did bring
to give him who was to free her
she said this to me, "oh kind sir"
so said her silvery voice
"You have but one choice,
"It would do you no harm
"but quite a bit of good
"to let me free, I'll give you my charm
"and ever should you need
"a helping hand from my kin
"ask but for a little kitten feed
"and whatever you had been
"would be gone and what you would be
"is only the most beautiful thing any could ever see
"for you would be king of the Fay
"though you would not have to stay
"if such a life did not suit
"for not until the third day
"would your life begin to take root
"now let us not discourse
"any longer, as now
"I am becoming hoarse"

For you see
fairies have very small voices
and must shout all they say
when speaking to us bigger blokes
and giving us but few choices

I did not much like the thought
of becoming a king of such little folk
but as I had always been taught
I quickly obliged and hurriedly broke
what held the imp in her prison
and before she had risen
I hoped she would melt away
as in stories so many do not stay
to give such blessings that may just cause
more harm then help and have many flaws

But no she was noble
and that I saw; a crown
did grace her high forehead
and flowing liquid light was her gown
with the soft white of swan down

Her eyes were jewels
blue as sapphire were those burning orbs
now I stood there like a fool
for no longer was she but a tiny fairy
she had grown up and out
until she had all light swirling about
her flowing locks
seemed so filled with shocks
that came from lightning rods

But here I am
getting lost in her beauty
and not going on with my tale
as truly it is my duty

as I was saying
she stood in her grace
and I stood praying
she would turn away her face
before I melted into her grace
and lost my mind in the light
that filled my tower room with twilight
So I stood paralyzed

and she strode-no she floated
for she rode on the wind
as thus she was coated
with stars and sunlight
ask me not how

I so wished to bow
but she held out her hand
to stop me and make me stand
now in soft voice
not much louder than before
she gave me that choice
which now made my heart soar

"You have saved a queen
"This gives you a favor
that you may request
For you are the saver
who is so much braver
when given a chance
to go and advance
But let me ask my query
Will you be my King?
And for you I will sing."

I did not understand
all that she said
But one thing I knew
she was giving her hand
to me to be wed
but why would she choose
one whose shoes
were not only larger than her homes
but his livelyhood too

Had fairies such silly frivolity
to so lower their quality
because of one simple deed
they would forever on lead
a life united with one so common?

I feared so greatly
that for this fair lady
I would need to refuse
so as never to misuse
one of such a higher race
as this one ladies Grace

Then as I opened my mouth to speak
she held up her hand and her head
and looked at me instead
this is what she said in a voice so commanding
it made me shake in my boots
"I can but see your thoughts dear one
"and though you are a peasant's son
"I have watched from afar
and have seen on good star
speak of your dreaming
being much more than seaming
and this we both agreed upon
you have the heart of a nobleman.

And my father from afar
sent me here with a tar
to seek out the man
who could dream like a fairy
and be brave like a wherry."

And so much more did happen
she explained who had trapped her
here in the window
and how it had happened
that he should be the one to save her
so I agreed
to go with her away
to meet with he father and there be wed
and thus become immortal king of the Fay
but that was only the beginning of the day!

It is incomplete but I must end it there. Even though the story has only just begun and can't understand all that I had to say because the rhyming took it in a different direction then I wanted :).

Hope you enjoy it!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Epiphany Strikes

2009-03-25T00:08:00.003+08:00

I just had an epiphany and I am too thrilled. I can't say to thrilled for words cuz I'm going to attempt at writing it down. God has been merciful and patient with me these past few months. He's been taking me through a situation and all my terrible foolish, sinful, processing heart.

It is very late tonight but I am too thrilled to go to sleep yet. I have been apathetic and disobedient. I am so thankful that God is so forgiving! He is. I love him and I need help to follow him. I can only hope what I have just gained is not something false or fake and cannot happen in real life. I'm wondering, can I pull this off? Can it really be real?

This is the first time anything like this has happened. It makes me excited and feeling giddy and crazy. I just figured something out from my own life in the exact same way I have ever figured something out in one of my stories! I've been living a story! I can't tell you much of it because it's not right for the other people involved in this story to know the whole thing. Yet. I hope that one day I will be able to share it with them.

I had much more to say but this is the only safe stuff haha! Yeah...realized this doesn't actually say anything...ahem If you wish to know the truth behind this post all you have to do is ask. I will tell you if you want to know XP. Just not now and here.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Inspired when I least Expect It

2009-03-21T09:55:00.002+08:00

Inspiration is a flighty thing. Honestly, I believe it has much of a spirit like a fairy. Come on! It comes and pumps adrenaline through your veins for a time and then thins out and slips away leaving you empty minded and handling a motionless pen (metaphorically speaking of course haha I don't use pens.)

This Week the Trend Is..
Love that song! Don't want to be like it at all!! =S. I need a helping hand to clear the ground before I spread my wings and fly away. Ok so I'm filled with aspiration if not inspiration. I think there are a few things I need to do before I can get out of this rut. One of them would be stop using YOUTUBE. I've been addicted aka I've been watching way too much of it.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

When Busy is Not So Busy

2009-03-19T14:21:00.003+08:00

I don't know why I've drifted off from blogging. I really want to get back onto it and write at least 3 times a week. Yeah that sounds pretty good. I'll just try and put down some random thing that suits me for that particular time. And if I can't think of anything I'll just find a topic and write about it. Maybe I'll do a couple Free Types haha..instead of Free Writes..

I guess I've just gotten caught up in my everyday doings that I haven't had time to write them down. Isn't it annoying how when you have the most interesting things to write and the ones you'd most like to remember you are also the busiest and least likely to write any of it down while it is still fresh in your mind? Maybe that's just me but I suppose that's why fantasy worlds don't really exist.

If they did, those who had enough imagination to create them and then get into them would be the only ones ever able to experience them. Because honestly, how many of the main characters in the fantasy novels you read have time to journal all the important interesting and beautiful things they see and experience while in the middle of an intense adventure of some sort? Instead it is a writer's place to experience their story second hand as they chronicle it for the world to enjoy.

My mind has been all a buzz lately. I was planning for my party, working on a skit for Easter, going to a conference, and trying to accomplish at least a small amount of school so I don't finish High School at the age of 19. I guess I've been pretty busy. And what makes me even more busy is just the fact that I'm not used to being very busy and therefore have a lot of a harder time kicking myself into high gear.

Anyway, Signing off here since I wrote this a while ago...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Changing Seasons

2009-03-19T13:21:00.005+08:00

Just randomness and a sort of letting go. I hate frivolity in myself, but I'd much rather give something up frivolously then to hang on long past the time it should end. Don't worry if you don't understand what I'm saying. It's not important =).

Seasons do come and go

Readily they fade and take up new dress
is that not what the tree's leaves show?
(Dose this mean they are any the less?)
and so the same are the seasons of a heart
young and fresh and not ready for settling
while hearts flutter in young breasts
whence a person of significance does pass
and then they turn their flighty hearts
back to the skies of dreams and hopes
where another face they cannot see
is waiting for those young
sparrow like hearts to soar
far up and find maturity
and love everlasting
love never ending
and also the one who they were destined for
from all their exterior appearances to their core

Thus we were created
A creator with a purpose
we were meant for Him
until he brings the One
who he created for each individual
to find a perfect fit
where two strangers find they knew all along
that this was the person they were waiting for
and two should find each other as
the only One for them
and there you have it
a pair becoming one
to begin a life filled with love
and struggle and pain
but is it not worth fighting for?

Random doodles.. Raw and roughly written in free verse I guess.. Some of you might understand part of it but if you don't then it doesn't matter =). Like I've said before I'm just posting it as it is...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Resolutions, Dreams, Hopes

2009-03-15T22:49:00.002+08:00

Here's a list of a bunch of my wannabe resolutions.

Spend more time with Jesus the one who loves me beyond all my deserves.
Obey him more.
Guard my heart from falling in love. I'm way to young anyway..
LOVE HIM
Be obsessed about Him
Wean myself off of Youtube and... him. I'm obsessed about those things..(oo different hims by the way..hehe)
Go to bed early and get up early
Not to swear
GET A TON OF HOMEWORK DONE
Write all the important details on my story!!
Spend more time with my friends!! YEAH I REALLY DO LOVE YOU GUYS! I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YA'LL!
Spend more time following artistic pursuits.
Dream about my future
reaaadd a ton more!
Encourage people a ton more
Say thank you whenever complimented
Not hide the way I feel so much because I'm afraid of what they're going to think..
BECOME DISCIPLINED
Learn how to stop going to Youtube until I never go there again.
Gain stamina and strength
Enlarge my vocabulary
Live with passion and boldness
Live out my dreams
Discuss philosophy with a couple different people
Get to know my brothers better
Hang out with my mom more!
stop thinking about him...
Stop spending *ahem* WASTING so much time on the Internet

But there's one major one that I'll set appart because I really want to accomplish this one and it's quite relevant.

Go to the US and when I return to Malaysia, to come back with an unfettered heart for God alone and without any feelings for any particular guy anywhere in the world.

In other words.

~*(-&-)*~

Crushless.

Sorry I can't write any more. I have tons more resolutions and aspirations but I'll have to save that for another time! This is an old post anyway. Haha! I posted a ton of posts that I wrote a while ago today which is the 31 of March.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Interesting day.. and Lead Me

2009-03-10T21:30:00.004+08:00

This is the first picture I've uploaded to my blog yay!!! haha celebrate! No more drab posts! BTW this is a picture of Saray and myself haha.

First off I'd like to say two things.
I'm super sorry for not writing for so long! I have been very busy and just haven't gotten around to it. Secondly this is going to be a short post because I need to get to bed so I can start a new day tomorrow. (I'm on a bit of a time limit so if i cut off it means I need to go to bed)

Today I was someone I am not. In other words I acted not to say out of my character because it came perfectly naturally, but not quite the way I want to be. Again to rephrase that, I did not accomplish everything I would have liked to in the day and I go to bed with a sense of unfinished work, not fully proper way of being (ok that doesn't make sense but this is random stream of thing). I want many things I didn't get and feel like I lost something.

Ok I've discovered several things today. One of them is we sometimes have hidden talents. Another one is that when you write something there is a lot of context that is left only to the mind of the writer. But let me tell you about the first one. My friend from Argentina who is currently living in Indonesia came to stay at our house. Today I was telling her about how I want to be a writer, and suddenly she said,

"Oh Amy, write a song! I have the chords for a song so let's write one."

I was very reluctant and kept saying, "No, I can't write that! I'm no good at it."

Which is still quite true haha. I had no idea how to do it, and didn't think I could get anything to sound right. But she started playing the chords softly and I just wrote what came to mind. Then, Miracle of miracles! She put a tune to my random words and made them sound like a song! I was amazed! I think she's definitely got a gift for this.

So she started singing through it and got all excited about it. By now I was getting quite excited myself. Do you know how if feels to have words that you just splatter across a page turn into a tuneful melody?? Well, I did and it felt pretttttyyy goood hehe.

Anyway we worked on it for several hours and it is still very far from perfect but I hope to video record the song and post it up on Facebook. I'll put a link up if we do. For now I'll just put the half of it, which is the words. Honestly, though, it sounds a lot better as music.

There is no poetical meter to it but with a tune it's actually a song! I'm still quite amazed. Also, a bit of explanation about the song. The meaning behind it, although only figured out halfway through the writing goes along these lines. It is a love song to God speaking a little about how we want to live for him. A little bit of a story (not from our own personal experience as many songs are. But a lot of songwriters tell stories not their own. Ok I'm not putting myself in that category! noo, very far from it.) about searching for the One, or love and not finding it.

So it could double as a love song but it doesn't really..anyway. The part about the desert is our struggles and fight to mature in our relationship with God until we can find that place of rest with him, kinda a place impossible to reach so I guess it could be heaven. But really it's a place where we are deeply in love with God and on the right path, doing His will. Well..actually just see what you get out of the song yourself la..I'll leave it up to God to show you what he wants from it. Only other one I know is that the place across the ocean is like the Mission field ;).

Without further Ado, Lead Me by Saray and Amy

Intro?/Verse 1:
I know the truth
And I know I’ll find you someday
and here I am standin’
findin’ truth where I was looking
for so long

And I know you’ll find me
and take me by surprise
Then you’ll come right in
and take me by my hand

Chorus 1:
Lead me through the desert
to that other side
where dreams come true
where dreams come true
In that oasis
In that beautiful home
where I live for you
I live for you oh Lord
where I live for you
I live for you alone

Bridge:
As I keep running away
You keep chasing me
and I can’t hide from your loving eyes
cuz I was meant for such a time
for such a place as this

Lead me through the desert
to that other side
where dreams come true
where dreams come true
In that oasis
In that beautiful home
where I live for you
I live for you oh Lord
where I live for you
I live for you alone

Verse 2:
I’ve been searching through the years
but never really seeing you at all
yet you stood by my side
whispering in my ear
those sweet assurances
you are my strength

Chorus 2:
Lead me across the ocean
to that other place
where dreams come true
where dreams come true
that new land
That fresh sweet home
Where I live for you
I live for you oh Lord
where I live for you
I live for you alone

Strange verse thing..:
I know the truth
And I know you’ve found me
And here I am Standin
Knowing that you love me
have loved me for so long

As I keep running away
You keep chasing me
and I can’t hide from your loving eyes
cuz I was meant for such a time
for such a place as this

Lead me through the desert across the ocean
to that other side that other place
where dreams come true
where dreams come true
Where I live for you
I live for you oh Lord
where I live for you
I live for you alone for you alone

End Chorus thing?:
Lead me through the desert
to that other side
Lead me across the ocean
to that other place
Where dreams come true
Where dreams come true
Where I live for you

(Yes I know the Chorus repeats but oh well..I'll fix it to be more like a song thing later..)
I'll say it now, very unprofessional I know..but hey, it's our first song and we thought of it today.
haha it's alreadly past the time I was going to finish so, Goodnight!
Adios!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Help me please!

2009-02-23T13:30:00.003+08:00

Ok, I know I probably shouldn't be asking for help with this on my blog of all places, but I am anyway. I have been struggling with this essay for way too long. It's like wrestling a bull. And the problem is I wrote most of it before I had my point! Now I have my point and I've been halfheartedly trying to weave it into the telling.

Any comments about it that you have please tell me. All criticism is very welcome! The more specific your comments the better. I need help! My topic is travel. My point is me finding a home. This essay is not finished. The end at the moment is hanging. It is a school assignment so I'm not asking you to do it for me. I'm just asking for suggestions because I'm at my wits end with this. I need help getting into it..aka I'm lazy xS. It's not good I know. *sigh* but here it is anyway...

Please mention things that don't sound right, flow right, are not grammatically correct. Any and all comments are welcome. You can get mad at me for even doing this if you'd like haha :P =S.

Born Traveler or Wandering Traveler (not totally edited)

My mom tried to get a doctor, she really did, but everyone was too scared to see her. They weren’t scared of her, they just didn’t want to be liable if anything had gone wrong; they weren’t her doctors. She always got the same answer,

“You need to see a specialist, ma’am.”

So she went to find a specialist and finally one gynecologist agreed to see her, but only the week after my parents were scheduled to leave. My parents decided to risk it and take the trip back to Colombia anyway.

The reason my mom needed to see the doctor is this. She was 41 years old and pregnant. Her three last pregnancies had had complications and problems. She was bleeding a bit and had a well grounded fear that something might be wrong. My dad took extra good care of her throughout the trip, making sure there was a wheelchair to take her from the plane at the layover. We even spent the duration of the layover in a Red Cross room so my mom could lay down.

Once she arrived in Colombia, she went to see her doctor and found out that everything was ok with me. Yes, I was the baby my mom was pregnant with. And that, was my first experience with travel.

Hi, my name is Amy, I'm fifteen years old and I have been in a search of home all my life. Ever since I was six we have traveled from country to country. We haven’t ever stayed long enough for me to even ask myself the question, “Is this home?”

There are other reasons I haven’t felt like holding any country in my heart as home or as somewhere to be patriotic to. I am a bit of a cynic when it comes to patriotism. Those who hold to their country and flag with intense desperation can’t understand where I’m coming from. I see the country and all it’s flaws and can’t bring myself to be proud of it. I hold strong to the thought that I am a citizen of heaven. There, there is no pain or struggle, flaws and hypocrisy.

I’m not asking for a perfect place. I just don’t want a place that claims perfection as they walk away from the only source of it. You can’t cure a disease until you know that you have the symptoms. But perhaps you’d have more of an idea why I can’t seem to decide where my loyalties lie by telling you my choices.

Where should I begin? Well, I guess, the best way explain this to you is by showing you my closest linage . My dad was born in England and immigrated to Canada when he was three. The day after his twenty-fourth birthday he married my mom who was born and raised an all American girl. They moved to Colombia where my three older brothers and I were born. This heritage entitles me to four passports. No, you didn’t read it wrong, I am the citizen of four countries.

Now can you understand my difficulty? I am the rightful citizen of these four countries. Which one should I claim? Or can I claim a little of all of them? If you think you have a simple answer to all these questions then you’re still thinking from the mind of an American. Let me try and show you what it’s like having the mind of a TCK, EnglAmeriCanObian, traveling teenager.

How patriotic can a person be when they are accused of practically living on an airplane? Even so, most people that fly a lot have one country as a base that they go back to more often than anywhere else.

For a long while, we didn’t. We’d travel to one place and stay there for several months until we would uproot and move again. I can’t say I’ve quite been accused of living on an airplane but do have a good amount of knowledge about the cheaper half of airlines.

But you don’t want to know the statistics because they’re plain boring. Let me instead tell you the reason that travel has never become mundane to me. You have to fly. Flying requires going thousands of feet off the ground and remaining suspended at that height for hours on end. Yes, I know I’m repeating the obvious, but this is the problem. I am terrified of heights. Last time I checked, heights start at a lot less than a thousand feet.

There have been many different ways I have used to try getting rid of my ‘flight fear’ but none of them have worked permanently. One of my methods was to forget I was even on a plane. Here’s an example of a trip we made Bali.

I kept myself in denial all the way from the taxi to the airport through until the boarding call. Then, once I was seated on the plane I took a deep breath and kept whispering to myself, “Your still on the ground. Nothing’s going to happen. See, we’re not even moving. Just relax.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

DING! The seatbelt sign came on and people finished settling down. Then came the taxi and the wait. I still tried to suppress my nervous jittering. The engines roared to life and I clutched the vibrating armrests until my knuckles turned white. Mom leans over and took my hand saying,

“It’s ok, we’re just going to take off now. Don’t worry.”

Don’t worry? I guess that’s exactly what I had been doing, though subconsciously. No, that didn’t work. I tried getting my mind off the land that dropped out from under the seemingly thin metal floor of the plane another way. I read from a book and listened to music on my Ipod. Then I tried talking with my mom but suddenly a gut wrenching terror ripped the words and all thought from my mind as the plane free fell. Mom saw me go white and took my hand again. It lasted only seconds and I could breath again. Turbulence. That was one way I tried.

My favorite way of getting rid of my ‘flight fear’, though, was the time I tried using my imagination. I had been reading a couple fantasy books that had to do with dragons, so the next time I went on a trip I had a brilliant idea. I pretend I was the rider of a dragon being sent off on a quest. As we headed along the boarding ramp my thoughts were focused on the pretend dragon I was going to be riding. No fear this time, I was a brave warrior heading off on a dangerous mission.

As the plane taxied, waited, and took off I watched through the window. As the earth shrank beneath me I imagined soaring on the back of a beautiful dragon. We climbed through layer after layer of billowing cloud castles to great heights. I was totally caught up in the romance of it all. With wind rushing past, we flew through the clouds colored by a golden sunrise.
This wonderful tactic worked on two flights. During the take off of the third, I really got to thinking about it. Then I had a most undeluded{arg there's no such word but there should be!} epiphany. In a plane your protected by walls and you’re wearing a seatbelt. On a dragon you would be out in the open. The dragon would be more likely to do flips and somersaults and drop without a moments notice. A plane is far more predictable. My protective bubble burst at the thought I had evaded until now. Riding a dragon would be a lot scarier than flying in a plane!
Of course, I can’t say that flying and the actual mode of transport is everything. Who would travel just for the sake of traveling? No, you travel to get somewhere. Therefore the best part of traveling should be the destinations. Here is one of the places I had the privilege to live in

INDONESIA

When I was seven and my brother fourteen, we moved from the US to Indonesia, historically know as the spice islands. It was a very new and strange experience and the beginning of what I would come to call my ‘norm’. Travel became routine, hellos became easier and goodbyes more frequent. You had to be quick adaptable, and easy to please when it came to making friends. It was the only way to survive the possibility of loneliness.

I think it was harder for Joshua, my brother, because he was just beginning to figure things out and start making friends. Then we were thrown into a completely alien situation and he had to start all over. For me it was all excitement and thank goodness I’m an extrovert! Now, let me show you our introduction to Indonesia.

But to show you a bit of what the essential Indonesia was like, let me tell you my first experience there. We were picked up at the airport in Jakarta by our friend’s driver. His name was Bangbang and he didn’t speak a word of English. The way we knew we had found the right person was by a sign he had with our names on it.

Our first order of business was to find a translation dictionary. The streets of Indonesia are filled with people selling all manner of things, and as we left the airport my dad was able buy a dictionary from one.

The first word we learned in Bahasa Indonesia, was the word for spider, which is laba-laba because there were huge scary spiders up in the telephone wires. Not long after, we learned a phrase we would not soon forget. When we asked how much longer until we got there his answer was, “Tiga jam, tiga jam” We flipped through the dictionary frantically trying to find out
what that meant.

Tiga ___________the number three
Jam ___________hour

So it would take us three hours to get to our friends house. We settled down for a long ride. I was very young and sleepy then so I didn’t really notice what was going on, but I soon found out that we were in a traffic jam. It was stop and go traffic all the way through the capital city of Jakarta.

Three hours passed and my parents again asked how long it would be until we got there. His answer,

“Tiga jam, tiga jam,”

Had we moved at all? We were still three hours away from a good soft bed and familiar faces of people who spoke English. Finally, we made it out of the city and were barreling down a lonely road with barely any traffic. Greenery stretched out on either side of us. Distant rolling hills were covered in groves of palm trees, and terraced rice patties. Apparently, he was trying to make up for lost time by speeding down the bumpy road.

Another three hours passed and my parents asked once more how long before we reached the house.

With a smile and an eager nod he answered, “Satu jam lagi.”

Satu ___________one
lagi ___________more

With a sigh of relief for hearing him say something less than three hours we tried to get comfortable. Dusk was only a few hours away and I struggled to get some sleep wedged between two boxes of our luggage. After the little bit of time my mom spent in the front my dad stayed there instead.

Suddenly a strange noise came from under the van and it started to sway a bit. Bangbang pulled off the road and he, my dad, and brother got out. A long silence ensued and I sat up to see what was going on. We had blown a tire and it would need to be replaced.

Two hours passed before we were finally able to continue our journey. In the light of a setting sun we trundled along once again. By now I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I must have finally fallen asleep because when I awoke it was dark outside and we were stopped in front of a house.

Sleepy eyed and weary I stumbled out of the van after my brother. It was a beautiful blue night and warm light spilled from the windows of the house but I didn’t care. All that mattered at that moment was that somewhere in that house was a bed that I could at last go to sleep on.

Our ‘three hour’ trip took a total of nine hours. By the time we arrived our friends were frantic. We made our greetings wearily and explained the delay before dropping into the beds they had ready for our arrival. All other information could wait for a new morning.

The time in Indonesia was eventful and I learned a lot. But we left before even the idea of a ‘home’ was fully formed, much less established. We had spent most of the time staying in our friends house in a very temporary way. Finally we were able to rent a house across the street, but it was for less than a year.

After Indonesia we moved to Singapore, but also stayed there for less than a year. After visiting around in Thailand and Malaysia, we decided to settle here, in Malaysia. Still, I struggled to define home.

Though I never called it home, there was a part of my heart that was held by the US. I would look forward to a certain holiday, homy, familiar feeling that I would always get when I went there. At the same time I never could connect or understand a lot about that country. If you asked me where home was I would hesitate and search for the truth. The only answer I was ever able to come up with was,

“I guess it’s wherever my parents are. So if they’re here this is like home, and if they’re elsewhere then that’s my home.”

This unsatisfactory answer drove me to figure out what the meaning of home was. Was it a place as described in The Long Voyage by Malcolm Cowley? Was it really wherever my parents were or did it have something deeper too it than that. In the end I could only decide this. A home is a very important place where you yearn to return whenever you leave. It’s a place that you feel is part of you. I don’t think you can truly have a home in a country that you haven’t dipped into the culture and taken some of it to be your own.

There’s also the idea of temporary homes, but are they really home? You can live in a community of Americans who are living in Malaysia and call that home. But I think to call the country home you have to at least take one piece of the culture and claim it as your own. Then you can say, “Malaysia is my home.”

I only came to this conclusion at the end of last year. That was when I finally realized those words. I finally took them to be mine. Now Malaysia is my home. It’s the first real home I’ve ever had and now it holds a very special place in my heart.

I will leave Malaysia eventually. I’ll travel much more in the future, and settle in other countries. I will even find new homes and a sense of belonging. Eventually I will grow out of this current life and perhaps not find the same friends I know now.

But there is one thing that will never change. Malaysia will always be the first place I belonged. The first place I loved. The first place returned to and now finally the first place I called home.

[This is currently the end of my essay. I know that most of you who are reading this will understand the BI but the people who will be receiving this essay will not.]

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Random Recentness

2009-02-22T19:59:00.005+08:00

Oh bother. Yeah it's been a while since I've posted. I guess I just haven't been feeling like it lately...I really need to though. Good place to journal stuff that would be nice to know in the future.

Anyway I'm not in the mood to write much. I'm going up to Cameron to be in a prayer conference. Yeah. I'll help leading and at it's going to be a very interesting time to say the least...

Haha..It will also be a nice place to get to see people I haven't seen in a while.

ARG. By the way, there have been two songs stuck in my head, one in paticular, Hot 'n' Cold by Katy Perry. Ok not sure If I spelled the title right but you get the point. That song is soo catchy and ANNOYING. :) Anyway the other one's not so bad the main lyrics are:

I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok,
I just wanna be ok today.

Hahah. Yeah VERY catch tune. This day, sunday is the end of a very unproductive week that can go by unnoticed by the world for it's complete and total uselesness. Haha :). I just was still dealing with stuff. Plus I'm a people person and I focus my attention on Saturday and Sunday, but lately I've been ending Sunday on a low which makes me sad. But, BUT, I'm not going to let this week pass unmarked by any note worth accomplishments! NO indeed. I have plans...haha I hope I keep them!

I've had a lot of questions lately. Actually mainly today. They have mostly to do with my current friendships and how they're going. Perhaps once I get a few answers I'll post up some of my questions, but for now I'll leave you be.

Oh yes, the only two things that are note worthy happened yesterday. I went to No Apologies, woohoo :D. It was great! and I had skit practice. Everyone is doing really well in the skit! I just honestly hope I'm not really getting on anyone's nerves for being rather bossy. I get a little annoyed with myself afterwards, but I'm trying to learn! I want to know what really bugs people! Then I want to try not to do it :D!

I'll get a move on now. I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed. I need to pull myself out of this lull! and I WILL >.<

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Park Realizations - You are Number One Front and Center

2009-02-17T12:15:00.003+08:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been preoccupied and when I do write it's been while I'm away from my computer. Yesterday I had the most glorious time in the park. I just went out there at around 4 in the afternoon, set up a blanket and relaxed into the place I have now found to call my own sort of refuge. It's not in the secluded cool glade in the middle of a peaceful forest right along side a flowing brook, as I'd always imagined it, but it is wonderful all the same.

Whew! That was a long and probably not very grammatical sentence. Anyway, as I sat in the shade of a small tree, I found a lot to think about. My aspirations and hopes rose on the soft summer wind. I believe I am going to write Malaysia into one of my stories--not as Malaysia mind you but as somewhere else with all sorts of things that are from Malaysia. Unlike Narnia where it was the country that had a winter for a hundred years, it will be a land that had a summer for a thousand years.

While I was there I thought and wrote about two people. They are very different and I like one and desperately love the other. While I wrote about the one I found I thought about the other mixed in. But when I began to write about the other the one really fades in comparison. I think, if there is one thing I have learned from this whole strange situation, it is how much the other deserves first and foremost place in my heart for ever and always.

I hope you can follow this, but if not I can tell you that the Other is my Lord and my Savior. Jesus must fill my heart with all good desires and teach me everything worth knowing in this world. He will lead me through bogs of despair and discouragement and dance with me in fields of inspiration and laughter. He will carry me across the desert sands and protect me in the wilderness. Over me will he watch as I sleep by the streams of peace in times of strife. Everything that is good comes from him and nothing that is evil is a part of him. No one can understand me better, not even myself. This is what I will remember. This is what I will hold to.

He provides me with all good things and will help me rid myself of the evil and despicable that lurks in the deep corners of my heart. He will make me brave when I need it most, and be my strength when I am at my weakest. On him I will lean for everything. In everything he will never let me be alone. When I sin he will grieve with me. When I resist he will rejoice over me.

In everything He is my life. And as he gave his life for me I will offer mine to his. Never will he ask me to do something that I am not capable of doing. And on everything that I feel that I cannot do he will give me the tools and strength that I need to do it. When I am apathetic he will send someone to wake me up, and when i stray he will shine out his truth like a beacon from a lighthouse.

In times when I have no one to talk to, no one to cry with I can turn to him. He will understand better than I can explain it. He will never turn me away. Never be to tired, or angry, or annoyed to turn me away. And he is more than just all these things. He is a mighty and awesome God. Someone to be feared because he does have the power to judge and does not take lightly any of the sins we make. He is filled with justice and would not, could not pardon us from all our iniquities. All the things that separate us from him. So he came and died to fulfill the punishment we deserved. To make a way that we could have access to him and all the things that make him sooo wonderful!

And you know what is the most amazing of all? He's not only perfect and the greatest awesomest person in the universe (I'm not exaggerating here. He really is!) he also loves me passionately. He is willing to do anything and he has already done everything to make sure there is away that I can be with him.

When I run from him, he will run faster to catch me. When I am broken, he will heal me. When I am hungry or thirsty I will find everything to satisfy me in him. All this and infinitely more am I beginning to see in him. Guilt is something that can bring me to him or drive me from him. I need to repent and then to forgive, all. Them and myself..

See? Isn't he worth everything in the world to give to him and much much more? You might be saying, Well yeah, if he was all that. Who could ask for a better guy? But come on...don't you find him being able to do all that kinda ridiculous? No. No I don't. I believe with all my heart and soul that he is not only capable of doing all that stuff, but that he is doing all that stuff.

Man I really wish I had the time to go through and brighten this post up a bit, but I really want to get it posted and I need to go out for lunch soon. Anyway Tata for now!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

P.S. I might not be writing for a while cuz I've really got to focus on me schoolin'. So I'll drop a hi later and tell you a bit about all my wonderful times with friends! (and the skit I'm putting together. Right now mainly I need to Memorize memorize memorize!!)

What makes a Good Writer?

2009-02-10T15:38:00.003+08:00

That's the question I've been asking myself lately. I mean, what is it that qualifies one to be considered a good writer? I practically just drip my thoughts all over a page in typed letters, and sometimes they come out making sense and other times they're a total mess. I just wonder how you become a good writer. What develops the quality?

I know a big part of it must be simple practice, but is there something more? Is the only way to improve is if I keep challenging myself to write new and stretching things? I don't know. All I know is that when I try and write something brilliant and make it as perfect as I possibly can I get a few scratched up words that don't sound at all natural. Writer's block is like a sheet of ice between me and the keyboard. I can't make anything sound right.

Then I look at these wonderfully written articles and I wonder where they get the words and the strength to put it down on paper in such a great way. I see all the pressure they must be under to get something good out and I really wonder how they stand up to it.

Perhaps I just have a fear of writing. A fear of not measuring up to my dream and that's what inhibits me. I wonder almost every day if I have what it takes to be a writer. I'm realizing more and more how much courage and strength is needed to step forward and curl your hand around the pen that will shape your future. I want to know if I have what it takes! I long to understand what gift I have been given by God. What part did he give me and what part do I have to work at with fierce determination to reach. Do I really have what it takes to write?

I feel a fire inside that burns with longing. I want to understand. I want to learn. I want to find out if this is really what God wants me to be. It's like a song I know goes. A sea of insecurity rages inside of me. Can I take the challenge of writing a novel into my hands and really make it a reality? And after that will it be of enough quality to be enjoyed by others?

I want to know! Is everything I've been dreaming about for so long a simple fancy? Writing seems far more difficult than so many other professions. It seems to take twice as much courage and four times as much determination. There are so many people out there trying to make a mark on the world and yet few make it very far. Thousands upon thousands of people dream the same dream I have since I was little, but how many succeed?

I only must be certain that this is the call of God on my life and then I will have something much greater on my side than most of those people. I will have a loving, caring God who knows what is best for me far better than I know myself. I don't know if I can write. I don't know if I have what it takes. But I do know that God will always be on my side.

It's just that ever since I started reading books about writing (a favorite former hobby) I kept seeing two things that rather bugged me. One, all these writers began when they were so young. They started writing at ages 7, 9, 10, 12. And I don't mean writing in the sense that they occasionally wrote a little ditty. These were the ages they began to journal and journal quite frequently.

In my heart and mind I struggled to begin to journal. I knew I needed to write because of number two, they're one always common advice was, practice, practice, practice! In other words, write, write, write! Only now do I begin a blog in earnest and I hope I can get back into fictional writing.

Therein lies my heart. I have a story to tell. A story that takes place in a world very near to my heart and yet very far from this earth. I don't believe I can ever measure up to the great Authors of the world, C.S. Lewis, JRR Tolkien, but I do believe I have something to offer the world.

My one hope that keeps me holding onto my dreams, is the desire that rises in me on a rare occasion to write and write with a fury of inspiration. I want to put so much emotion into what I write. I believe writing is like any other art. It takes someone brave and at the same one someone who is willing to express their deepest feelings in a way that can express what others don't have the words to say.

I need to go do school now so I'm just going to post this up. Sorry haven't been so artsy lately. I'll try and post some more colorful and artistic posts later.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

The Frivoloties of the Mind

2009-02-06T22:50:00.000+08:00

What sorts of frivolities has your mind been indulging in lately? In this way I mean, what silly pointless and yet lovely things have you been thinking about? The things that are comparable to delectable little chocolates that are so tasty and yet so unhealthy if it makes up the constitution of your entire diet. I could begin to list all the different things that I consider to be frivolities but I won't for two reasons. My list would be too long, and it would make anyone who is lax with their imagination to despair of ever having a non frivolous thought.
written: 1/28/09 8:22 pm

Let me first begin by telling you that the above paragraph I wrote several days ago and decided not to continue because of the stuck up nature of the article. Now I return to it with a renewed vigor because I have just read the essay Life without Principle, by Henry David Thoreau. Now, I don't agree with everything he has to say the therein but it has both inspired me and challenged me.

I would highly recommend to anyone to read his essay, because it makes us think and challenges us to clear our minds of simple purposeless thoughts and try delving into the greater riches of life. He doesn't approach it from a Christian perspective, but I believe that if he had it would have attained a much greater height of purpose then it did. Scoff me all you'd like, I'm no brilliant mind and am just expressing my opinion. I'm full of Thoreau right now so let me say, in the words of Thoreau:

I take it for granted, when I am invited to lecture anywhere, that the desire to hear what I think on some subject, though I may be the greatest fool in the country, --and not that I should say pleasant things merely, or such as the audience will assent to; and I resolve, accordingly, that I will give them a strong dose of myself. They have sent for me, and engaged to pay for me, and I am determined that they shall have me, though I bore them beyond all precedent.

You are not paying for me nor is this a lecture, but since you are on my blog you are here at your own risk :). Leave whenever you feel inclined.

One of the examples of a time when he delved into a deep topic, but missed the mark because of lack of perspective is this. (Remember all is simply in my own perspective and I'm just adding this to edit out all the I thinks that might make it sound a bit less presumptuous.)
Aaa..well..I cannot find the quote at the moment so if I do I'll post it back here but for now I'm moving on.

There are a lot of memorable and good lovely ideas in this essay. I'll just give you some quotes and my ideas.

When I first started reading this essay I read it silently and while lieing down in the early afternoon. That was a mistake. I hadn't the brainpower to process the ideas expressed and...I soon fell asleep. The next day when I tried to take it up around the same time as the day before I nearly fell asleep again! The appeal for this essay was draining away and my moral was dropping...Then my mom came in to join me and I ended up reading it to her. That helped a whole lot to read it out loud.

These last few days I have been feeling a bit down and out. I was having a hard time seeing any purpose or meaningfulness in my current life, mainly in the last few days. It's mostly to the credit of my laziness in not focusing on school work as much as I should. I didn't feel that my mind or body was being exercised anywhere near it's lowest potential.

Chatting became dull and uninteresting because it felt so pointless and without meaning. Conversations never getting deeper then what kind of livelihood do you plan on having once you're out of school. There wasn't a way of exchanging deeper concepts of life or discussing ideas...I am in search of that now. The lack of imagination in my conversations was getting to be very mundane.

Now, my advice to anyone who gets into the same rut I've been in is exactly what I did. It was hard to get started and I needed my mom to get me into it :), but once I was going I started getting into it. You have no idea how smart it makes you feel reading aloud the writings of someone who has a brilliant way with words and ideas and understanding them. Try it sometime.

After a page or two I hit upon the thought that made me start this post a while back. That's when my interest was sparked. I began this post before I read this essay and it was beginning along the lines of what he talks about in this essay. I barely touched the surface like a butterfly brushes it's wings on a leaf, but I did start something along the lines of this adept philosopher, and that's what stirred my excitement. Did I really start along the same train of thought?
He said:

I often accuse my finest acquaintances of an immense frivolity; for, while there are manners and compliments we do not meet, we do not teach one another the lessons of honesty and sincerity that the brutes do, or of steadiness and solidity that the rocks do.

Now, I do not pretend to fully understand this statement nor to claim I came to this conclusion. It was the frivolity that caught my interest and made me remember the way I had begun to write about it here. Along the line of the idleness of our daily chatter is this next quote that comes from a little farther down the page:

Just so hollow and ineffectual, for the most part, is our ordinary conversation. Surface meets surface. When our life ceases to be inward and private, conversation degenerates into mere gossip.

Isn't this so true sometimes? I have definitely felt this. If we arn't barely speaking about superficial surfaces of our lives such as how our day has been, the movies we watch, the music we listen to, and all other 'small talk' as it is labeled, then we speak of each other's feelings and heart issues in derogatory ways.

We stab each other in the back when we are left to discuss the actions and attitudes of those we know and often delight in turning against in malice once they are out of earshot. Honeyed words that they hear are the covering for our sometime cruel gossip. Ok, yes, I know I just went about in describing it in a dark and morbid way. This is not what I think my current friends are like, but I have had friends of this kind.

I don't fault them wholly for it though, I think in the past it has not always come out of an intent to hurt, though it does, and does intensely, but more out of an ignorance of the pain it can cause. An opening of the part of our mind subject to our fallen nature and the reason we cannot read each other's thoughts. They could be far too hurtful to know. In the privacy of our minds we sometimes think of others what we would never say. Yet sometimes before we truly learn the weight words can have, we let those evil fallen thoughts to slip out in words. Gossip. As the wise words of Proverbs put it:

A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

As you can see I was swept away on a current of thought provoking ideas from Thoreau. I hope to do another post on him and even on the Frivolities of the mind but as night wanes and I grow weary I must get some sleep :). I hope someone will enjoy this. Once again...I'm developing a habit of just posting and not looking over it beforehand...I hope it is alright.

More Thoreau later. My dad is going to read this essay and we're going to discuss it :).

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Blah, Blah, Bleh, Blah

2009-02-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

Hey look..there's a bleh in the middle of all those blahs...how exciting..! That's kinda what my life has been feeling like lately... Not really all that long. Just yesterday and today.

I know it's Really Late...

2009-02-05T00:22:00.004+08:00

Ok really quick note. I just had a really really good and long talk with my best friend Eunice about everything. Yes it was about just about Everything! Great fun and now we're going to try and talk regularly. :D :D It's really great to have someone who listens to you! It's wonderful!

Goodnight. It's really late so that's why I'm not going to talk to you anymore.

P.S. I used to be feeling that tod-oops now it's yesterday :S - was an utter wasted and feeling like a trashed worthless day :( but now that I had a good refreshing talk with Eunice it's better.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Love you God!! Thank you sooo much for your faithfulness~~~~!!!

Amazing Amusement with Apryl, to put it Aptly

2009-02-04T08:30:00.003+08:00

I don't have much time as I should be off to begin my quest to finish the hardest part of my school, (the essay) but I will tell you a bit about what I've been up to lately with my friends.

Apryl came over last week, and we had a load of fun. Though I must say it had a not so pleasant but eventful beginning. Apryl came with her dad on his scooter (kinda a slimmer version of a motorbike..I guess..eheh I'm terrible with automobiles..) and they got into a small accident.

They were driving along, Uncle Aiman minding his business and paying attention to all the cars around him, when suddenly a car that was right next to him, within a few inches, started pulling over into the next lane. The guy in the car wasn't even paying attention. He didn't even look over out his side window or else he would have seen the motorbike. No blindspot here.

Anyway, on the whole, it was not Uncle Aiman's fault and thank God the only injuries were bruised fingers (from hitting the side view mirror) for Uncle Aiman, and a slightly scrapped leg for Apryl. Besides that, we had a great time together. Now we are almost done with reading Princess Bride aloud to each other. Only 2 more chapters to go! And while we were reading we were deciding what kind of thing we should memorize. There are mainly two long speeches in the book but we weren't sure which one to do.

We were thinking about doing her first one, which is an impassioned monologue where she professes her love to Wesley! It would do for a very comical one... Rather embarrassing but comical. Then we thought up all kinds of scenarios that we would use. (In a while I'll post this monologue for you to see how crazy it would be to memorize.)

We were thinking how crazy it would be if one of us were out on a date and came to an awkward pause, OH BOY, and then (lets say it's me cuz I need more guts to do it :P) I started pouring out the whole spiel in a crazy melodramatic way trying to make it sound almost sincere and making sure I don't pause long enough to let him break in or anything. HAHAHAHAH!!! ...It would have to be the right kind of guy....hehe. But it would do for a good laugh.

I'll have to come back and tell you more later.

Byee!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Things I'm Learning...and Downness...

2009-02-01T20:08:00.003+08:00

I'm feeling really down at the moment. I think what this whole thing has been for me is a warning. More like several warnings. 1) If I don't save my work my carelessness can easily cost me a lot of pain. 2) I think this is a warning in a small way of what it will feel like if I don't finish the amount of the Nimi story that I need to get done before the time runs out.

I need HELP!!!

This year has been the most eventful year so far. In the first month I, 1) dislocated my kneecap, 2) had a portrait of a friend of mine thrown away (but that ended up being positively hilarious to me simply because of who threw it way...) 3) was given inspiration for a wonderful story, wrote SEVEN pages...and then had that story go down the drain because my MESSED UP laptop decided to shut down instead of going to sleep =.="'

I have a few more but I don't really want to put them up here.

Now I believe that there is a place in heaven where all our broken dreams, lost hopes, abandoned promises, buried treasures, forgotten adventures are waiting for us to go find out how much more beautiful they are there than they every could have become here. I'm in a sad mood...

The one thing I long for now is inspiration of the likes of last night. It isn't the time I spent on it I miss. It's the display of my inspiration that I miss and want back. It is my pride. As the saying goes my pride and joy. Isn't that interesting that we put those two things together? Sometimes the pride we have in things brings us joy. That's what I really lost. The fruit of my small labors and large inspiration. I lost the thing I would have loved to show off. I could have said the things i would love to share, but more than anything it was my pride that made me want to have something wonderful to show off to people.

Does this mean I should stop writing like that? NO. NO NO NOO. I need to press on and forge a way where all the paths that were easily transversed are now hidden beneith brush and snow and leaves and everything. I must forge ahead and it will make me a better person.

As we learned in DG this week. This is how I like to sum up the main point he wanted to get across to us. Procrastination is for Tomorrow, Perseverance is for Today. Or something like that. The idea he wanted to get across was that the small things we start doing now will help begin forming good habits that we can reap benefits in the future.

Another way he put it is this. Every time you put something off the harder it becomes to really start doing it, but then every time you do it 'now' the easier it will be to do it next time you need to. And every time you do it when you don't feel like it you gain a little more control on your habit and a little more self control.

These are thing I want. Oh and one other cool thing that is very encouraging to me. It takes up to 6 months to form a good habit. You may be thinking, 6 months?!?!?! how can that be encouraging?? but it is. I've tried doing things but never got into the habit. Now that I know what it would take to solidify a habit it might be easier to keep going because it's no longer a "forever" until I get the good habit, it now has a timeline.

This is the second post that I'm not going to even look over but just post. I hope you like it.

Amy

My Mac turned off and Destroyed Four hours and 7 pages of work.

2009-02-01T17:56:00.004+08:00

Right now I am in agony over what has just happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARHEEEEEEEEEGGGGGG!!!! I don't know why I'm even writing but I wanted to tell you what it feels like to loose 4 good hours of work. especially when they worked so well!!! I was so happy!!! afjiaofheijaef [ef a af hiaf p[a ia ips[ I'm REALLY ANGRY AT MAC RIGHT NOW. HOW COULD THEY??? HOW COULD THEY FORGET THE MOST BASIC OF BASIC FEATURES IN THEY'RE--

Long pause where I am a bit hysterical in my room going from weeping to tearing at my hair to getting my frustration out at myself, the Apple company, and my computer. Now I am not exactly calm but in a dark determined despairing.

It's amazing how something that I didn't have the day before yesterday could pain me so much at the loss of it today. I've wasted hour after hour away on the computer doing worthless, pointless trash, and now I bemoan and morn for the four hours of inspired writing that I used last night. No, this is not the end. This is the beginning. I want there to be a thousand opportunities to morn and not one time that I will have to morn.

I now want caution to my my right hand and disciplined persistence to be be my left hand along with the figurtive pen I will use to create beautiful masterpieces of writing. Fiction and Non fiction, Poetry, Drama, EVERYTHING. Inspired or dry I will persist. I must for I have no other choice. No I go to do just that.

Convincing Myself...

2009-01-28T19:37:00.004+08:00

I've come up with a bit of an idea to help me practice my writing and actually begin to take it somewhere instead of just splashing my thoughts randomly into words. I'll still do that but hopefully I'll also take this new flow of thoughts, words, ideas, and simply the desire to write and direct it into a productive channel.

Arrg, but I have to keep reminding myself (before it becomes to late) that I can't try too hard to make this really anything great or else it will kill in me this desire to write. I already see little things I'm improving in. I shouldn't try and force on too hard or else I'll lose the precious gift I have right now. An eagerness and joy in writing simply because it so simple. I don't have to fight and struggle to find the right words to say. Because I don't have to say just the right words. I can simply have the overflow of my mind.

I now have one person following my blog. I was thrilled when I saw that my brother wants to read my blog. Ok, so, Joel, I'm going to ask you a question. Don't you think that writing this way is ok? You want to write and isn't the most important thing to do just that? I doubt many people will read this anyway and what they think isn't really what I'm after. My main purpose and goal is to improve as a writer and to make it interesting enough just for those that would take the time to read it anyway, like my family.

I guess I just shouldn't think about it too much and enjoy writing. So anyway. After all this indecision I guess I'm going to come to this conclusion: I'll write what's in my mind and on my heart to the best of my abilities in the hopes that my writing will improve, a few might find some joy and entertainment out of it, and that I'll write it not caring how frivolous or small it is only delving into deeper topics when the mood strikes. Right?

In any event this is what I really consider most important and I should stick to it above everything else. When I fee that what I'm doing is good, productive and most importantly something that pleases and is in God's will for me then that's what really counts. After that there isn't anything worth considering.

So, here's another definition of this blog. Sometimes it will have my heart. Sometimes it will have my head. It will hold a trifle of my life recorded and most importantly, I want it to be something that will glorify God. Even with the simplest thoughts.

Oh boy... I know I tend to twist my sentence structure from one way to another until it's worse then a spiral staircase. I do also tend to go with the flow of things and jump from one thing to another. Oh yeah. Maybe some of this might come to be a little, if only a very little like that 'conscious thought' way of writing...is that what you call it?

Here's my idea set up in a allegorical simile. Lets say someone gather from the beach just loads of sand, going along and just filling sacks with sand. It gets taken home and all those sacks get piled up around the house, and yard. Then someone takes a large trough-like container and sets it up near a pile of bags of sand. Let's say the person is looking for shells (all kinds, beautiful, plain, small, big, broken, whole). They want to collect all the shells up in hopes that they can use sort them out and make something beautiful with the best of them. If this person takes a sack and very slowly, painstakingly searches out only the best and most beautiful of the shells, then they aren't going to end up with very many. At least not anytime soon.
But, if the person pours out the whole sack and starts a new one, and then goes through all of that at once after the fact, the amount of good shells will probably be more.

My point, though not well make, is that if I write and write a lot and a lot about all sorts of things, then I'm more likely to stumble upon the pretty shells and not just have sand. The more I write the more I might get some of those pretty shells...

Ok..I'm just about exhausted from this attempt at convincing myself that this way of writing is ok. (It worked I hope ;) )

Two main keys to free writing to an invisible audience:

If it's goes with what God wants then it works
I don't care what people think.

Well, I'm going to go now. Boy, it's hard work trying to convince oneself of such a simple thing...

Adios!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

The Dawn of a New Day

2009-01-26T23:37:00.004+08:00

Last night I went to bed bubbly over with laughter, this morning I wake up with a grumbling stomach and a new vigor for the new day. It took me a while to wake up, but that's mainly because I still haven't gotten enough regular sleep to be well caught up and rested hehe... I do need more sleep.

I thought that if I started writing now, in the morning, then I'd be less likely to run out of time before I need to go to bed :). That way I can get more down. You see, I have SOOO much that I want to tell you...well, to get written down anyway. There are so many different things I can write about here.

I've come up with all sorts of ideas on what to write. I could and hopefully will write about different issues that are relevant to us teens in these troubled days. I can lay open my mind on the things that i find important. Ok, but here and now let me reiterate. I will, hopefully be talking about all kinds of thing big and small, but for the big things, the things that effect everone, please know that I don't think I have all the answers, I'm just telling what I think. So, if you happen to drastically disagree with what I'm saying then that's fine, I might be wrong, it might just have different perspectives, or you can just stop reading whenever you feel like it ;).

I'll start out by saying this, I am a Christian. That in itself would turn off the public at large cuz as the Bible says in Matthew 24:9b:

"...and you will be hated by all nations because of me."

That's what I was just reading this morning. And this time the part that struck me was the all. I mean, yes, I've always know that we will be, and are persecuted by many nations. But what about the fact that it says all?? Anyway, I could expound but I've put off posting this thing for all day and I kinda do want to post it today.

You can see the time this was posted and also know that I wrote it around 8 a.m. yesterday.. :S.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Iron in the Fire

2009-01-26T21:03:00.004+08:00

Lately a lot of thoughts have flooded my mind. I've been asking myself; what is friendship? What is companionship really? How do you develope friendships and can you be friends with people that you don't seem to click with right away? Should it just be left alone if it didn't work out at first? Do you just let it develop naturally? And if it doesn't does that mean it was a friendship that was never meant to be?

How about the fact that I want to be friends with someone that it would take a lot of extra work to create that friendship. Should I just leave it be, supposing that perhaps it wasn't the kind of friendship I was meant to have? All these questions. Few answers. Well in any case, I'm going to leave it for a month and see what happens after that.

Once I'm totally rid of my own personal sentimentality then maybe. Maybe I'll be able to have a simple and yet productive friendship. That's all I think I should have for now. Friendship. My heart has been seeking something deeper and i think that is because I haven't been fulfilling the relationship I should have with my Master. God.

He really should be the center of my life. Right now.. He isn't. But I hope to remedy that. I really want to grow closer to him. Draw near to his heart, be like iron put into the flame to come out red hot. That was the vision I had when I was praying with my best friend a few days ago.

It was like I saw a big fire like one that you find in a blacksmiths furnace. A long strip of metal was sticking out of the fire. A hand, the hand of the blacksmith (in this case God I suppose) who was working it took the piece from the fire. With a large hammer he started pounding it into shape, but, you see, the point of this was not that he could shape it. It was that after he had pounded it for a while he would have to put it back in the fire because it had lost its glow.

I was realizing that for a long while I've been outside of that fire. Since, I've been away from that fire I've lost my red hot glow and the blows from the hammer are no longer affecting me. I can't live away from the fire and expect to be on an edge with God. Never setting aside time to be in his presence but expecting him to still be very close in my mind. I've been turning cold and hard.

I realized this because of what I'd been noticing for so long. I tried to address this in my last post but never got around to it. For a long time I've felt that the way I discern and understand things has been not firmly grounded in the word. I couldn't have described it this way before, but after talking to Eunice, now I can.

I remember a time when I saw and longed for intimacy with God. When I looked at how great people could get caught on one ideology and end up getting messed up by it. That's when I realized that we need to really, really know the word if we want to avoid those pitfalls. When we end up depending too much on ourselves or our own interpretation of God's word without really looking at his Word as a whole.

That's another thing that we really need. We need people. No one can keep totally strait without someone to help us. That's why the bible is full of fellowship. It's something everyone needs. We need people we can trust and depend on to keep our secrets, love us through our hardships, and be there for us in everything that we do. Everyone needs support, guidance, love, discipline, laughter, listeners. We all need others.

Imagine the world where everyone is individual; only ever looking out for themselves. Never being able to trust anyone. It seems like a dreary and forsaken place to be. What kind of life is there to live without good healthy interaction with other people.

Ok, I know this could end up being another one of those expansive unedited posts, but before it is I'll just stop. Again, I'd like to say that I'm sorry for a lot of my repetitiveness and bad wording and all the other things that make this so lack of good writing. I just know that the only way I'm going to get better is by doing this a whole lot. Because what I'm doing is simply typing just about as fast as the thoughts come to mind. (I'm learning how to slow down my thinking so I can get it into typed words ;).)

I would go through this and brighten it up with some fancy stuff and pretty colors, but I started late and I need to get some sleep cuz I've got a big day tomorrow. (Apryl's coming over YEA!) Well, Goodnight my dear friends and fellow humans...and maybe even an enemy or to. lol anyway as I get more informal at the end of my post

As Tigger would always say;

TTFN!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

The Analogy of the Tree

2009-01-24T22:15:00.003+08:00

Now my heart is full. I have so little time and so much to say. I have half an hour before my friend arrives and I enter the wonderful world of craziness.

I have two similes I came up with recently. I'd like you to here them and see what you think. Today my mind has had a flow of ideas on what I can say in this blog. I hope I can get even a fraction down. Bear with me. My first metaphor is actually the second one I came up with and I thought of it just a little while ago.

My mind is like a tree. It grows and branches out with brown limbs that reach to the sky and are nurtured by the sun and the rain. Its leaves are ideas that sprout and grow, developing as they unfurl into beautiful, varied greenery. My mind is like a tree that goes through seasons very quickly. The ideas sprout and grow and then dry up and fall from the branches as the sap that was feeding them is directed elsewhere.

At times my mind as a tree is in winter and all the thoughts are gone and a cold frost chill the hungry branches. Then snow comes to cover and coat the branches with a pure white that cleanses and beautifies. Those are the times I'm out of resources and just have to be in patient waiting trying to glorify God even when I can't be seemingly doing anything worth the while.

Then spring comes to the branches and the sap begins to flow. My time of waiting passes and inspiration returns. Life comes to the branches and new shoots start sprouting in all different areas. I get ideas and start developing them, seeing where they will take me. At some point along the way, if this tree is a fruit tree, the gardener will need to come along and cut away some of the branches so the others will be more productive. Sometimes I will reach out for ideas and opportunities that are good, but not right for the time. When they are cut off and taken away it gives me more focus and strength to really develop the important ones.

Once the tree has grown leaves along all the branches that remain, other things can come. Perhaps this tree can be a nice home for a robins nest or some squirrels might find it a comfortable place to stay. These things might be a combination of my ideas and something that comes from somewhere else that become plans. Then the plans can develop and grow with the help of the outside and my own ideas until it can take flight. That would also imply that it is helped and nurtured by me and then goes beyond my control, influence, and I can no longer claim it as my own.

Then as summer draws near the fruit or nuts that grow on this tree begin to develop. Those might be a different kind of idea, perhaps something more significant. They also might be a project that I work on. As time goes on and the fruit is fed by tree and sun and it ripens. That would be the developing of the project and getting some outside input. Then the fruit must be picked or it will over ripen and turn rotten. It would be as if I hold onto a project too long and it either becomes obsolete or just gets old.

Well I could go into fall but I think your getting the idea. Now I need to go eat my lunch. I don't have time for the other simile but I'll tell you later.

P.S (This was posted a day later than when I wrote it)

Once again a disclaimer: I hold to no pretense that this is all that good but I hope you can just enjoy it. Obviously, you found it worth while enough to read it through. (Unless of course you skipped to this dark red disclaimer) So don't be to upset by it's lack of 'brilliance'.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Filling in the Spaces..

2009-01-24T18:19:00.000+08:00

I sit here again, as I always do, thinking about the recent events that have shaped my world for the last few weeks. The lack of all emotion that leaves me void overwhelms me now. In the clarity of the moment I see as plainly as the noonday sun what has been unobtrusively hovering at the edge of my consciousness for the last few weeks.

Something has felt off inside. I don't mean like a light switch. I mean when a poster is slightly crooked and it irritates the daylights out of you but you're not sure which way to move it. Or like an uncomfortable kink in your back that you can't seem to get rid of no matter which way you turn.

Arg. There I go again. One of the things that has felt superficial and out of place is this. In everything I've written or done that will show up on the internet I've always been doing it with someone in mind. Even half subconsciously I've been writing, posting, commenting, in such a way to impress or make a point to this one particular person. I've done it with the intention that he might see it, might notice the way I am, or who I am by it.

Somehow I've been trying to shape an image that might be found interesting by this one person. Now I look at some of the things and feel that same off centered, not wholly true way. It's still me, yes, but at the same time, it's a plastered rather above myself me. An image of myself though slightly enhanced and overdone to be noticed instead of trying to express myself in the true simplicity of pure unpremeditated character that I am.

Thinking is good. Thinking through what you want to say is good. But I came to the point where I crossed a line between thinking out whether it's a good idea or not to have the way I would act and react preplanned. It's almost like deceiving someone. Even though I would still be speaking and acting, it wouldn't be completely who I am.

I've been covering my feelings because they aren't right. Well, not that they're exactly bad, but they just don't fit what God means me to be and have created in me desires that shouldn't be awakened yet. And it's not what you're thinking. Well, not wholly so. (Please understand that this is badly worded to say the least..It's not really serious. Don't worry :P)

Anyway, I'm going to begin shedding this by shedding my artifice. Sorry for all these largish words but I'm in an eloquent mood. What enters my mind, for I am speaking mainly through my mind now, I write. This seems to be the only way I can manage to write anything. And eventually I'm going to have to warn people when I'm writing because if I lose the thought I'm following I'll never regain it. It's like chasing impish fairies that love to dance at the corners of your eyes. Once you are finally able to fix your full vision on them you can't look away or they will dance away into the mist of fancy, never to be seen again. Or at least, very rarely.

Let me see, what was I saying? Well, here I go again, I was just talking to my dad who just got home from Frasiers hill. Let me get back to that thought...how can I adress it. There's something more I need to say. Bear with me as I ramble. I hope this continues. You might ask what I mean and it's simply this. I've found it so hard to get comfortable with writing and yet one of my lifelong dreams and goals was to become a writer. It's not exactly that I've had writers block, but it's just that I've wanted to do it really really well, simply because my dream is to live off of writing.

I've had this thought that's been locking the doors to my writing capacity that is this. To be a writer you must write well. Exceptionally well. I've been wanting to do really well in my writing because there are so many people who have never aspired to write as a vocation and here I am dreaming of it and not being able to do so much as get a proper essay down. Ok. I know that was a really long and probably grammatically incorrect sentence. You know what? At the moment I don't care.

As long as I'm writing what's coming from me and not something apart from me, I'll be doing well. That's why I started doing this. I wanted a way to be able to go from head through pen (or in this case keyboard.) into script.

My mind's trail of thought has changed. Hehe.. It's because I just needed to plug in my computer now that it's down on reserve power. Again, sorry for the well, in my opinion, rather stilted language. I'm in a prosy mood and it almost feels rather out of place to use slang in this.

I would have used another word but now that I can't figure out how to spell it, I'm not sure it even exists.

Back to a previous topic, I've noticed something, almost incomprehensible, changing about me. Almost, but not quite. Now that I've been able to realize what it is I've decided it's not good and I shouldn't have it. I realized that lately my tastes have been changing, and I don't mean in the normal natural way that tastes change as we grow older. I mean they've been changing from a more Christian perspective to a slightly more secular one.

It's been so slight that I didn't really realize until now that I'm starting to like music I always used to find distasteful, slightly disturbing things that strange people do on tv (Such as American Idol) haven't been as repulsive as they used to be. I'm not saying the change has been very strong or that I find certain ways acceptable even though they go against everything I've ever been taught. No. I just mean that I haven't been as unwavering in my opinions about those thing as I used to be.

I'm sorry (once again) to say that whether or not you understand this isn't actually the point. I'm just sorting out my thoughts as I go along, which means I end up with some very confusing conclusions. Whatever you think doesn't matter at the moment.

I might regret being this blunt someday, but I'd better not think about that. At the moment I'm being uninhibited and free enough to do just as I've wanted to do. Write with unfettered, free abandon without the pangs of self conciousness because I think what other people will say about this.

Somehow though, I've found I can't write like this just for myself. I've tried writing on and on like this but it always dried up and I haven't found the words to continue. It seems I need an audience, albeit a completely invisible and non pressurizing audience, but still, an audience. When I know that no other eyes will see this but my own I have total freedom to say as I wish, but I have no drive to do that.

Oh boy, I don't know who would ever want to take the time to read this whole mess of an entry but it feels so good to be able to write like this. It makes my dreams feel possible. You see, I hold this dream of becoming an author. The kind that writes fantasy. But I don't want to just write anything. (I know all authors have this goal but shouldn't we aim higher than even we think we can reach? As C. S. Lewis put it: Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. )

I want to write something meaningful. Something that won't just be a good entertaining read, but will feed the soul of the reader, even unconciously. I've had a belief that you can reach out to someone in a very deep and impacting way through the lightest forms of entertainment. You can touch someones soul and make them think deeply without preaching at them or screaming in their ear.

I've always thought it would be really great to have the added bonus of becoming popular, even famous for the books and gaining riches from it. But now I don't think that would be what is really important. I think the greatest and most valuable thing to aim for is fulfilling God's will in my life. If I can do that, well, there isn't a better reward then the one he has waiting for me.

That's what I'd really like to do. I'd like to show people what God has shown me. No, I don't claim to know great things. I don't want to presume that I have something really worth knowing. I just want to do what God wants me to. And I think this is one of the things.
God has given me a goal to try and get down everything I know about the story he's beginning to shape in my mind by sometime I believe in either April or May or I might lose the entire story. It's not brilliant, but it does scare me to think about losing it.

I've been given a gift. My gift is not that I am a talented writer. Neither has it been a gift of discipline to write. Both of those I need and cannot get without, but they are things I have to work for and earn. My gift, is the story I have to tell. It is not true in the reality that everything about it is fictitious. But the core of it, it's heart, is truth. I'm not trying to say that I have a story that's 'all that'. I don't think it has this heart of truth yet, I'm just trusting in God, that if I fulfill my side of the deal, he, in his perfect, uncompromising faithfulness will fulfill his promise.

Ahh. He's on my mind again. For the long blissful writing of this post he wasn't there to intrusively fill my mind and heart. No I'm going to be rid of these thoughts of him soon. (Please realize I am not talking about an alternate personality that tries to take over my mind or anything. Nor is this some sort of voice of evil that is trying to convince me to do things. It is simply my silly foolish heart and mind thinking on the person I mentioned in the beginning of this long post. And please also realize that it isn't his fault nor does he have any idea of it. That's the one nice thing about this whole senario. Once I'm fully over this/him I can go and become friends with him without any of this foolery to inhibit a simple friendship. But for now I'll just avoid that.)

Now to describe what it's been like to write this lingering post. Oh it was delight! I'm not sure how delightful it will be for anyone to read...but that's entirely besides the point ;P lol. Now I'm probably going to slip a bit into slang hehe. Oh forget it. Say whatever you want, I'll just try and keep this sense of freedom so I can write many more of this wordy posts. After all, at the moment my goal is not perfecting the skill, but simply practicing and developing it a bit.

I've always known that it takes simply a lot, a lot of practice to learn how to write and write well. Practice makes perfect.

Uhoh..I have that feeling like I'd want this post to go on forever...but I'm sure you're thinking WHEN IS THIS EVER GOING TO END??? Well, without further ado I'll end this luxuriously long post.

PS to future Amy, Please don't be totally horrified at how terribly written this was and know that I don't think it's all that great now. It's just lovely practice :D.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

The Pirate's Revenge act!!

2009-01-23T20:55:00.000+08:00

Ok, right now I'm...hmmm, I'm...sitting on a bed with my leg wrapped up typing on my beautiful Mac which I have named WhiteStag. Here I am about to post a conversation with myself. *A strange looking pirate takes over the blog OH NO!!*Harhar meharties I'm here to gain revenge on yuuu!! WARNING: If this at all makes you want to choke me, shake me, bang my head on the wall, or at all injure yourself please note that you have been fully warned that any damage this may do to your brain is not associated with me and/or anyone in company with me the writer of this piece of writing. If you do injure yourself I/we are not responsible for it because you were fully warned to stop before reading any further and you cannot charge me/us in a court of law. Also please be forewarned this is super lame and not worth the time it takes to read so leave now or go forward at your own risk.
GREEN: ME, BLUE: Myself
You know what I really want to do?
What?
You know, something really exciting?
Whatt?
Something I've been longing to plan for since I had a sleepover with Apryl?
WHAT??
I want to...
yes..
I waant to...
YES???
Have a mascaraed party!!!
Really?
For my 16th Birthday party!!
But you'll be gone..
No, I'll do it early :D:D:D!
Like when..?
Oh..I don't know..sometime in the next set of school holls.
Which are?
You know..when you get a break from school... >.<.
Noo I mean't when are they?
oh.
You airhead...
I am not an airhead!!
Yes you are.
Am not!
Are too!
AM NOT!
Then why are you talking to yourself..?
arr..em... moving on..
Ok..so when's this party of yours.
I don't know yet.
THEN WHY ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT IT??
I just wanted to see what you thought of the idea.
...
So?
It's great...
Really? *Hopefully clasps hands*
No.
*begins to bawl* WHHHYYY NOOOTT WHHAA!
Ok..you're weird..
I know *Cheeky grin*
Good bye...
Wait!
*backs cautiously towards the door*
Where are you going???
Oh em..well..I need to..go find the thing I lost..you know..that time..I need to.. *reaches the door*
bb..bye then.. *Whimpers*
Yeah..bye.....*Slams door* AAH GET ME OUUT OF HERE!!

Disclaimer: Please let me tell you that this is not the way I really am and whether you know me well or not, this was made out of pure sillyness and does not display the way my mind really works. *you might try other posts to find out closer to the reality how I think..* I hope that if anything you will simply enjoy the bright colors. (a guy walks by rubbing his eyes saying Aaaah! my eyes! Will I ever recover!!) Or not...
P.S. Can't say I didn't warn you. :P
This was an attempt at entertaining..perhaps someone somewhere in the world will get the slightest chuckle out of it...if so I've accomplished my purpose far and beyond ;D.

Why on Earth?

2009-01-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

Oh boy, I have now written two long and crazy heartfelt posts where half of it is terrible poetry about what I've been going through lately and both times I chickened out last minute and never posted the things. Oh bother, I guess when this whole crazy mess with my heart is over I'll post them and then people can see how foolish I was and how foolish I knew I'd been.
Ok. Those were some long sentences.

I'm still on crutches but it's all getting better. I can now put my full weight on my injured leg so that's helpful. Ok now for once I'm going to be gurlly and tell you about my shopping. For the longest time I have hated shopping. Really, I know it's crazy that a girl like me would hate to go shopping (clothes and window mainly hehe). But, BUT, I guess I'm changing...Now that I get an allowance for my clothes I can pick my clothes however I'd like as long as I can pay for it.
Of course, though, I still try and be reasonable. I could buy really expensive stuff but then I'd get about 1 shirt and maybe a pair of pants where else I can get a whole load of stuff. Anyway I went and have now bought four new shirts.
Man...Was that ever boring... >.<
I need to learn how to write well.
I guess that's one of the reasons I started this thing. Besides simply wanting to eventually give people a way to know me, I want a place to rant and rave about utter nonsense to my hearts content and hope that eventually my writing and spelling improve.
I'll end this one here and start afresh.

2009-01-13T17:17:00.001+08:00

Ok I found this on Ernest's blog, (Hope u don't mind, if u ever end up reading this.) I really love reading these kinds of things so I figured I'd fill one or two out.

1oo Truths about Me!

ARE YOU?
►Perfect:
Definately not! Never will be..*sigh* Oh wait..Yes I will be. hehe..
►Tall:
You could say that...
►In your pajamas:
well..maybe??
►Lefthanded:
YUP!
======================================
L AST:
►Friend you saw:
Does my mom count?
►Talked to on the phone:
Hmm... Probably Apryl..
►Is today better than yesterday:
mmm..I have no idea
======================================
FAVORIT E:
►Number(s):
7, 26, 15, 21, 17
►Color:
Green! different shades but not lime..mainly emerald
►Food:
Mexican food!
►Place:
Church, Home, Egypt, and more...
=======================================
QUESTIONS & ANSWERS:
Q: What was the first thing you did
this morning when you got up?
Ate :S, and then I went back to sleep until 10:45 AM!
Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
Yup and yup.
Q: What's the last movie you watched in theaters?
Bedtime Stories. It was funny :).
Q: Where is the last place you went?
One Utama... Chilies
Q. Do you smile a lot?
I hope so :D.
Q: Do you wish upon stars?
Not really...no I don't think I ever have...
Q: Are you a friendly person?
I sure hope people take me as one! :S
Q: Where did you sleep last night?
Here, at home
Q: Why did you sleep there?
Because I didn't go anywhere else..
Q: When was the last time you cried?
hmm...do you mean REALLY cried? or just fake/half cried?
Q: What was your last thought before?
Before...BEFORE WHAT?? Is this supposed to be Minglish??
Q: What do you hear right now?
The whir of my fan and someone else's air con
Q: Does anything hurt you right now?
Yes, two things... :(
Q: What's your favorite month?
April!! Sorry...I'm totally prejudice to my personal birthday month.
=======================================
EMOTIONS:
Are you missing someone right now?
YES!! YES AND YES! (That would equal at least 3 people)
Are you tired?
y..e..s...blaahh
=======================================
BASICS :
►Real name?
Amy Amaris Goodwin
►Age?
Technically I'm 15, but because I'm in Malaysia I guess u could say I'm 16
►Eye color?
Honey Brown like my dad... :)
►Zodiac sign?
dunno..dun care
►Male or female?
Female!
►Smart?
You tell me~ :S
►Hair color?
Brown with a bit of red in there somewhere....
►Sweats or Jeans?
Jeans! Definitely Jeans~!
►Phone or Camera?
Ooo..I'll say Camera Phone!!
►Health freak?
Not extremely so? Ok not really...
►Righty or lefty?
LEFTY!!
=======================================
FIRSTS:
First best friend?
Hmm.. I think it might have been Eunice! (still is btw)
►First award?
erm..don't remember perhaps some candy?
►First enemy?
oh..well..I'm not sure if I would consider them my enemy...
►First pet?
hmm..a CAT or to be precise a cute adorable kitten...aaw
===============
CURRENTLY:
►Eating?
nope
►Drinking?
nada..Oo I'm parched
►Listening to?
nuthin really, the pitter patter of the keys on my computer
►Plans for tommorow?
SURVIVE!! No, just get a bit of school done
►Waiting for?
me to get over this!! To move on..
=======================================
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE
GENDER:
►Lips or eyes
Eyes :).
►Shorter or taller?
TALLER!
►Romantic or spontaneous?
Romantic...though I love spontaneity!
►Sensitive or loud?
Sensitive!
►Hook-up or in a relationship?
In a Relationship :).
=======================================
HAVE YOU EVER:
►Drank bubbles?
..what kind?
►Lost glasses/contacts?
YUP!! arrg...
►Ran away from home?
nope! I definately don't want to now but I did contemplate it once...long story..I was happy with my home even then though. Wasn't running just wanting adventure...but i DIDN'T
►Broken someone's heart?
Erm...I HIGHLY doubt it. If I have I'm super sorry whoever u r! Oo..that would sound insulting wouldn't it.. Anyway, don't think so, if I have I'm sorry :(
►Been arrested?
hehe...well...there was that one time...
=======================================
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
►Do you like someone?
oh boy...yes..arg..yes I do..
►Are you seriously happy with your life?
Ehm...right now? kinda... In two minutes? Who knows...
Like Ernest said..there aren't 100 questions here...

Wild Randomness

2009-01-12T18:34:00.001+08:00

Ok right now I feel very immature and silly. As well as having felt very emo all day. I went to the doctor and he took off my itch cast for a bit and I got to see how ugly it had turned..yippee :S.

Anyway I've lost a lot of muscle in my knee and I need to do a bunch of exercising of those particular muscles.

Now I just wrote a very long and crazy poem sort of thing...but it isn't very poetic. Anyway I'm not dedicating it to anyone. It's just me being...well, me.
Please don't get the wrong idea...whoever will be reading this. It's a very foolish poem and if it sounds at all serious or like I've been heart broken or something blah blah blah. It's not. I'm fine, I'm good, everything is in God's hands, I'm happy and hopefully this will be the end.

I know who you are
But do you know me
No, you will never know me
That really, is the way things should be

Do I know you
Really do I
No, I will never know
But isn't that the way life goes?

Who am I to say I know
I shouldn't be saying so
I read and see what you have said
but that's not getting in your head

I will now forget
what else can I do
I should not be saying
all that I have said before

If I can't forget you
well, that's what I should do
I don't know what it takes
to change a heart that always breaks

Can't I fight with all i have
If it takes everything
I can always start again

My heart has first been filled
and now its first been spilled
You'll never know and that's ok
No I need just to turn and pray

every day will now be mine
and i will try and walk
farther from this hopeless dock
looking to the future's full horizon
I know my heart will wizen

When the time is right
I will reach to pick that fruit
that now is still not ripe
indeed, I should wait a while
until the day that God ordains
for me to meet my heart's one love

When my heart unites with his
I will thank God for you
and all you've taught me though
you'll really never know

I've thought of you far to often
and with each memory your image softens
I am young
and I am weak
but God, my father, is who I seek

You have your friends
I have mine
we don't mix and that's fine

If I remember you
I know I shouldn't
It's hard to forget
one like you were

this is silly
foolish mind
far more the fool
is my heart

I know I sound like silly sap
but this is where I should wrap
up all that I have said and thought
and think no more of you, my friend
this should really be the end

All I hope is one last thing
here goes my last fling
can we be friends?
just and only that?
Oh I'm silly
nevermind
you don't know
that it's you I mean

Anyway...I guess I thought I should put some kind of after disclaimer thing. The middle part is a bit weird...Anyway, this is the first time I've posted something relative to poem. Anywhere. This isn't even really a poem. It's just jerky thoughts without proper sentence structure. This isn't my best work. I'm not really all this emo.

I should be off to bed now so Good night!
Amy

How can I be rid of this??

2009-01-11T15:29:00.000+08:00

When you think of someone way to much what do you do?
I tried this:
My friend once gave me the great advice that if you are obsessing to much over a person or guys in general. If your obsessing, (as I was and hopefully won't be so much in the future.) then you start purposefully obsessing about GOD.
So my idea was to get him out of my head...for extended segments of time. Every time I thought about him I would read a verse in the bible. Since, I couldn't keep stopping to read I kept count in my head and every so often would read a bunch of verse.

Needless to say I read a lot..a lot of verses that day...

I
Still
am
working
on
This. "-.-
I will persevere and if I can rid myself of this..this CRUSH. Then I will. And if I can't then I will simply bear it and enjoy the joys that come with it...and the annoying down and sometimes rather painful bits.

Church is my Life...

2009-01-11T13:48:00.000+08:00

Here I am and it is Sunday the 11th of January. It is 1:49 and I am settled in my messy room to write on you for a while. Once I have this going well I think I'll start telling people about it to help me keep going.
I just got back from CentrePoint eating at Pizza Uno with my mom. Yum, we always get the same thing and it is quite good :D. But really, I didn't start blogging to talk about what I eat...at least that isn't my main goal. Anyway, now the highlight of my week is over, *sigh*. I'll be starting up at school again tomorrow and hopefully I'll get an entire Science test done! If I don't I'm going to be in trouble really soon...
My goal is still to try and finish school in April, but it might have to be changed because life will go on and I might need to be getting money for a few months in between. I don't know yet whether or not we are going back to the US in March. It will be sad though. Youth is now the highlight of my week, I look forward to it starting now! hehe...Sunday and I'm already looking forward to Saturday. '"=.=
You know the title of this post? Seriously..it's true. Pretty much my only social life happens with people from SSMC or joint church gatherings. I'm definitely not saying that it's bad.
It's great to have wonderful Christian friends!! I just need somewhere to interact with non-Christians so I will have some friends to chatter with about the importance of life...Ok that didn't make sense. If you're wondering why I couldn't chatter with my Christian friends about important thing and the importance of life..I do!! Anyway, I just need some more places to hang out with people.
I'll tell you about yesterday in my next post but for right now I'll just keep rambling on about today.

I was awakened this morning by my dad calling up the stairs to ask if I was ready to go to church or not. That definitely woke me up. I had totally forgot to set an alarm or anything! Thankfully it was only 8:30 and I told him I was getting a ride with Shing Yi and her family so I didn't have to get ready quite so quickly.
Church was good. Pastor Phua preached today and that was good. It was great to sit with some of my friends again. I really would love to be able to find ways of getting together a group of people to do fun stuff.
Anyway I had a great time and I got the birthday present off to Sarah so I hope Egbert gets a chance to give it to her. I really want to wrap up this post and try a few things with my blog so bye bye!

Blogging

2009-01-11T00:38:00.000+08:00

The wonder of blogging. Really, it's cool. This can be good this can be bad but I have learned a lot about people through reading their blogs. I guess u could say especially people who wouldn't normally be that easy to get to know in real life...I guess.. Anyway. I think I broke my promise! It's already Sunday! I just lately got back from BersatUnite and that was a wonderful time. I was amazed at how many people I recognized. Not only did I know so many people that where there, but I also recognized them :D. It probably didn't hurt that people I knew just a bit would be curious as to what happened to my leg...Ok curious is one thing but not enough credit to all the great people that were there. They were concerned.

ooo
Ooo
OoOoo
OOoooOo
OOooOOOooO
hehe, I just figured out how to use the Size Thing.

Doh! O.o so blur one...

Anyway Now Hopefully My Blog will get Cooler!!

I can now have fun expressing myself with Size, COLOUR and a lot more! Oh Yes, Can't forget, Fonts too.

Good Morning!

2009-01-10T10:19:00.000+08:00

Good Morning, Good morning, It's great to stay up late, Good morning, Good morning to You. Unless you have seen the movie Singin' in the Rain, you probably wouldn't have recognized this as the beginning of a song. Name of the song...what do you think? No, 'What do you think' is not the name of the song.
Anyway, those first few words tell you just about my last several hours. I just woke up and right now it is 10:23 am. I was up pretty late last night...or actually this morning to be precise. Now that I have active friends on msn it kinda gives me another reason to stay up late.
Last night, I do believe I might have had an epiphany. Now, I'm not really sure but if I did have one it would have been relative to blogging. I never knew so many of my friends blogged! I was chatting with Shing yi last night and she mentioned that she was reading blogs, so I asked her if she had one. She did, and when I went to it and started going down the list of names along the side I realized that there were a lot of people linked to her blog that I knew.
Ok here is the weird paradoxical situation. One of my ambitions is to be a writer, and here I am that I can barely write anything. I've written here and there, but really. Everything I've ever heard about writers is that they have to Write, Write, WRITE!! And here I just found all these great friends with well updated blogs and a lot of them have very different aspirations.
Well, I guess I have to prove to the world and prove to myself that I can be writer. I can do what is in my heart and soul a gift from God to do.

Oh, my mom just brought me my breakfast this morning! She's been so wonderful bringing me stuff cuz it's a little harder to get around on crutches. I wish I could at least take my plate into the kitchen but that wouldn't exactly work... I'm already banned from the kitchen because I broke a glass bowl by accidentally dragging it off the counter. Oops!

Midnight, Feeling Blogish

2009-01-10T00:26:00.001+08:00

It's midnight now and I should really be off to bed very soon. I am really looking forward to tomorrow. Actually I have been looking forward to tomorrow all week. Why? you might ask. Well, it's youth and this is the first time I will be part of a new DG! I'm switching groups from Petra to Ezra in SSMC. Pointless details unless you know what I'm talking about. Right now I'm super giddy because I just found out so many of my friends have blogs! I'm really going to start blogging. Ok Enough said about the blog already.

I really can't get myself to calm down enough to really tell you anything so I'd better go to bed. Tomorrow I'll write more. I'll tell you about why I have a cast, why I'm switching from Petra to Ezra, what I think about this new year, What happened this last week and hopefully a bit more. Whew~! I just gave myself a long list of stuff to do. Now I just have to do it. Accountability I guess hehe..even though there isn't anyone counting on me to do it yet! Still, I will because someday...someone is going to dig back into the begining of my blog and find this post and the posts that come after it!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

2009-01-10T00:14:00.000+08:00

Oh man..I totally have to start blogging. I really want to start writing down the little bit of stuff that I do. I hope someone can find this enjoyable and not just weirdness from me :). I want to go back so far and begin years ago. Well, I'll start small just writing as it comes to me. I'm not going to preach anymore ;). I just want a place to express myself to the world I guess. I have so many dreams and hopes for the future. This is going to be the place I'm going to test them out on the world.
I guess I'll just start back in 2008 and work out from there. Hehe but you can bet that there will be a whole lot that I'm not going to be talking about on here. Since nobody knows about my blog yet I guess it's still pretty safe.
I think I figured it out. The point of blogging is to get a sort of accountability thing going. If you blog and get people who actually read up on you then you feel guilty if you don't write for a super long time. So there, i'm going to start writing on my blog. Like a journal.
Which in other words means people are going to be reading my thoughts as they so from head to paper and turn out rather rough. So here is my first beginning attempt at writing on a blog.

2009-01-06T20:32:00.000+08:00

As I sit before here and listen to the gentle sound of music, I allow my thoughts to wander from here to all the places my heart has been. Life is filled with surprises and new experiences every day. I think on that amazing wonder that I am His and will always be. I see what I am. All that I really am. really really am. Here I am and God has taken me into his hands and he loved me.
The one recurring theme of all HIS Faithfulness. Today I dislocated my knee cap and had to go to the doctor. I am really sooo blessed. This may be sounding weird but no I've been more thankful today than I have in a long time. I'm thankful that it wasn't worse. I'm thankful there was a hospital near. I'm thankful for God's protection. I'm thankful for the fact that I was able to get it back in place within the first few minutes. I am SUPER thankful!! I'm thankful it wasn't worse. I feel like going on and on but I'll just say one more. I'm thankful that God put me with such wonderful parents and that he is so totally in control of everything. ok. That was two but who's counting.
I am so blessed. God is in control of my life and I couldn't have it any other way. I might be scared to go on a roller coaster because I feel so out of control to stop it when I want to, but there isn't a safer place to be than deep within the will of God. He is my strong tower my fortress and my guide. When I wander outside of this place he leads me back again. When I fight the temptations that surround my on every side I look up to find his shielding power there to deliver me. When the devil attacks me and I am wounded deeply from the arrows that strike where my sheild of faith is not strong, He is there to heal me and make me stronger than before. There are so many words in my heart longing escape into expression and so much that cannot even be explained into words that I become speechless with pure wonder and awe of all that God is.
Lord, Please help me learn to express all that is in my heart worthy of glorifying you.

I can list only a few ways that I would love to worship my Lord. I can speak of only a little that overflows my heart. As I sit on my bed with my leg in a cast I soar away on the wings of words. Even the words in the songs, You Raise Me Up, by Josh Groben, Who am I, by CastingCrowns, Captured by Natalie Grant, and soo many more that I cannot even name, are not enough to help me express who you are to me. And that's just to me!
Here I am a simple MK living in a country I can now call home. Malaysia is my home and will always hold a piece of my heart. Every day I want my heartbeat to grow more in tune with yours my God. I want every pulsing beat to be you enlargening my heart and soul to be more like yours. Give me more capacity to be filled with your unfailing love for all your children.
Day by day I feel a capacity I have never known before. I'm learning slowly how you look at people. I've been seeing total strangers in a totally new light. They have hearts and souls as deep and filled with life as I do whether they show it or know it or not. Life has been breathed into them by a maker that is constantly reaching out and calling to them with such a passion that it tears at my heart to hear his voice and see what they cannot seem to realize.
There is a zealous God reaching out, running after, searching for, calling to, every single human being on this earth. He shakes the ground with his passionate love. He thunders in the heavens that they might hear, that they might see! But look. He is SO filled with Love that he will not take away our freedom and make us see what is best for us.
He who WAS, and IS, and IS FOREVER the same has given each of us some part of himself that causes us to long for something better than what we are. In each of us he placed a place for Him to dwell, and that is what causes us to long for and desire something beyond ourselves. In his Awesome complexity he created us that he might lavish his love abundantly and gave us a choice to reject that intense and unfathomable love. I don't want to pretend that I even know even a fraction of what he is but this is what I know in the little that it is worth compared to his greatness.
He created us for Eden and we decided to take the fallen path where we become slaves to a ruthless ugly master whose chains are called sin. We fell into a chasm that we cannot climb out of on our own. Death opened it's mouth and swallowed us in. The pain and agony that tore God's heart I think no man will ever know. But in all his love he couldn't leave us there. He couldn't and didn't. God Soo loved the World that he gave his only Son to die for us that whoever believed in him would NOT DIE but live eternally. Eternally.
Eternally. And I think that where we will live Eternally will be all and soooo much more than everything we long for in the deepest corners of our being. Something inside of me is shrieking out in utter abandonded longing for that place beyond this world. No eye has seen nor any ear perseived what God has prepared for those who love him.
For those who love Him. For those who love him? Is that all?? Really? No. No it couldn't be. Well it isn't. It has become that way but God is a God of justice. He couldn't simply speak the words and it would be done. I've already told you what he did. He gave his only son. Only Son. How?
He died.
He Did.
What was necessary.
What was necessary?
To die.
The penatly of SIN is DEATH.
So he Did
He Died.
Is that the end then? No. That was Just the beginning. He died. And then Rose again.
Ok, call me crazy, call me a lunitic, a liar, a freak. Whatever.

This has been a very strange post so I hope no one will get mad at me for saying some of this stuff. I probably said certain things in the wrong way..Anyway I guess this is kind of a disclaimer... All of this is just me putting down my thoughts as they flow from mind to fingers.