To Be an Anne Again

I screamed into the darkness. Take me away... Far away. I wanted to go to the lands of my eyes mind--lands of green hollows, daring adventures, swordplay and horseback riding. somewhere I would be alive and living to save, living to protect. A place where animals could talk and elves roamed the great forests making them fairer than the trees, light, and water of our world.

I wanted to live again. Breathe again.

Take my chains and turn them light. Give me joy from the depth of my soul. I want to take delight and a child-like joy in everything I see. The trees, the flowers. I want to be an Anne after my own kind! Someone with eyes for a beauty, seeing romantic things ever. Watching for fairies and deepening my imagination. Feeding it and growing it until it surpasses my worries and doubts.

Would I have to give up any progress I've made on being responsible? I hope not...Anne didn't.

I lay stretched out on my bed in the darkness of an unlit room. The sky must be completely overcast as little light filters through my thin blue-flowered curtains. It's only late afternoon, and rain torrents fall in a soothing clamor outside my window. Ah, it's lovely today. In a completely wasteful way.

I need to work on being more...more...what's the word? Disciplined, that's it.

Well, it's an interlude, I must get back to writing on the Colombia book! It must be written!

Introduction: Abril

Life is a strange experience. Something so small and finite, yet over centuries the greatest of humanity have struggled to understand it. Struggled to grasp and comprehend it so they may be masters of it. Foolishness. If only they knew that mastery is not pleasure and understanding no joy. It is the freedom in dependancy that I know not. That is what they should rejoice in. There is the secret to joy that I will never experience.

But instead they want freedom from their ignorance. What a fickle race they are. Ignorance is bliss, is that not one of their many expressions? When will they learn that the greatest joy is in what they cannot experience with their five senses. Only through the soul can true life be found. But most of them are dead in their souls. Many claim to know the way to life but are blind. How could they understand life when they've never been touched by it? No, it's breathing, tasting, the silent solitude in a single moment, that they do not know.

When they learn the secret to full attention, then perhaps they will live.

Life is now.

Enough about my philosophy--as you call it--you need to know who I am. At least, a little about me. Then you may begin to comprehend, if indeed that's what it is. You want a name perhaps? My name. No, I haven't one yet. You must understand, from where I come there are no names. We remain nameless except when we have discovered who we truly are.

I have not had the great fortune of discovering that yet. For now, if you must have a name, call me Abril. Simple. Uncomplex. So very little like my life. I have a world to show you. One you will never have seen before. Yes, smile and find these words trite. They are hardly enough, but they will have to do.

It is the way you communicate here, isn't it? In my world we have no need of words. My lack, therefore, in words you must pardon. I will do my best to express clearly what I have to show you.

Do you dare experience the world through my eyes?

~Abril~

Defeat a.k.a. Lessons for Success

I can't help but feel a little broken. That's all I've been asking to become, actually. I'm praying for a broken and contrite spirit. I need God's help to live and breathe again. I didn't get a lot done yesterday, because I wasted the day. Now I want to try again see what reasons I have to keep going.

I'm learning something new now. The truth is, I've discovered that it's only through a lot of failure and defeat that you make it to success. If you don't get up again after you fail you'll never fail again, that's true, but you'll never succeed either. Every day that I find it really difficult to write on this book, I am stretching my inner muscles. My discipline muscles. The more I stretch them, and the more continuously I use them the stronger they'll get.

So I'm going to keep pressing on. I can't give up now, I've only just begun. The other day when I was praying with my mom she saw a vision about this. It's really encouraging, because in it I was running a race with hurtles. At first I toppled several over and almost wanted to stop, but God was saying to not worry about them.

"There are plenty more hurtles ahead. Don't worry when you miss a few!" He said.

So I kept going and then was distracted by the forest. It was beautiful and mysterious--enticing me to go have a look at it. God warned me not to go off but keep running on the path. I came to more hurtles and they were much higher. This time they had wine glasses on them and I skimmed over the tops without spilling any of the water. There were people also cheering me on all the time, despite the fact I was running this race alone.

I made it to the end and all the rest is for another time.

WIP WordCount: 15,122

Trial

Does this work?

Start with a Hook, End with a Bang?

Sounds like a crazy old man who goes fishing with a revolver. Once he gets a bite, reels it in and pulls it into the boat he shoots the wriggling fish to kill it. Sure, this makes certain it won't jump out of the boat but it also ruins the fish. Oh, I can see him on the pond now. Yeah that wasn't the best idea. The boat's sinking.

Ah well, we shall turn away from such a foolish idea. We are not old crazy men. No. We are young insane writers is that not true? and our hook and bang serve a much better purpose then spoiling and despoiling fish.

In the Twilight It's so Hard to See, What's wrong for Me...

I suppose I should write on you more often. My poor neglected blog, you grow dusty and sad without my seasoned words to perk you up. Not that my words are particularly tasty morssels. My current struggle has perhaps quelled my desire to write. These things are not good. I am losing vocabulary and not strengthening my writing abilities.

My struggle has all to do with that terribly popular series Twilight. I'm so confused about it! I can still vaguely remember the days when I first heard about it and was adamently against it. Slowly over time I changed. When I went to stay with some friends (very wonderful people) the girl is a huge fan of twilight. She showed me a trailer and out of curiosity I asked her about the books.

It seems that my progression has been slow and jerky but in the wrong direction. Stealthily my resolve not to see the first movie was overrun and I watched it. Feeling rather bad about it for a while because I was very unsure if it was the kind of thing I should watch. Then, continuing with my resolution not to have anything to do with the books a year passed smoothly.

Now my brother has read the books, the brother I so admire. He is still in the process of reading them. It shook my resolve somewhat and made me reconsider taking a took at the books. The second movie began to be advertized and I watched the first trailer they released. It looked rather interesting. The second trailer had me wanting to watch it very much. But when I saw the third trailer (which gives a little more of a view of the Volturie--or however you spell it) I was much more hesitant about watching it and decided I wouldn't.

This being still several months before it came out, everything I constantly heard about it began to eat away at my reserved choice. Now that I've seen the third movie I'm all in a fuddle trying to figure out what I should feel if not what I do feel. I enjoyed it. Pure and simple it fed on my girlish heart's Hopelessly romantic state. The Vampires in the Volturie--though disturbing--didn't bother me as much as they should. I felt myself overlooking many of the problems in the movie.

I'm sure someday I will look at this and be ashamed of the way I have behaved in these past several months. Not so much because of what I have written here but because of all that I have not written here. Things that used to be certain in my mind are now questionable. If I don't stop and ask those questions who knows where I'll end up.

So here I am, stopping to ask myself questions in an effort to get to the bottom of this. Is there anything wrong with enjoying these movies or books? I don't feel guilty about it but is that any excuse? The bible talks about thinking on things that are pure, lovely, noble etc.--Is twilight pure? No. Is it Noble? Only in a twisted way.. As for Lovely...well not in the way that God spoke of in the bible.

The greatest danger here, is not so much that I fall in love with Twilight and all the books but more all that comes attached to doing that. My heart and soul will have compromised for entertainment once again. Is it really worth it? I've started across the line I previously determined I'd not cross just as I did before I set that line in place. My descent down this slippery slope could be very rapid if I don't stop and think, clinging to an overhanging branch from the tree of life on the plain above this slope.

But how do I convince myself that Twilight is bad? I am impressionable. I am just a Teen--a teenage girl no less. (emphasis because that is the target of these books.) I haven't even gone into all the problems with the content of the movies and books. The unredeemable state of the characters, the flippancy with which the main character treats her soul, the obsession of the main character with the Vampire. The list could go on and on.

In Fact not only the list but the blogpost. I could continue on my confusion and indecision and all the reasons I shouldn't read or watch anything to do with Twilight. (Indeed my con list is far longer than the short and superficial frivolous pro list.) So, I will end it now as I have run out of time. Do you want to know what conclusion I have come to? Well here it is.

Putting all that I talked with my mom about and all that I've thought and/or written here, I've decided it's best to keep all Vamp-ed ideas on the backburner of my life and focus on more edifying and equally entertaining sources. All I'd ask of you is to think and ponder your decisions before you make them. This is what I'll be trying to do and I hope I've shed a little light on this subject if not nearly enough.

Goodbye!