In the Twilight It's so Hard to See, What's wrong for Me...

I suppose I should write on you more often. My poor neglected blog, you grow dusty and sad without my seasoned words to perk you up. Not that my words are particularly tasty morssels. My current struggle has perhaps quelled my desire to write. These things are not good. I am losing vocabulary and not strengthening my writing abilities.

My struggle has all to do with that terribly popular series Twilight. I'm so confused about it! I can still vaguely remember the days when I first heard about it and was adamently against it. Slowly over time I changed. When I went to stay with some friends (very wonderful people) the girl is a huge fan of twilight. She showed me a trailer and out of curiosity I asked her about the books.

It seems that my progression has been slow and jerky but in the wrong direction. Stealthily my resolve not to see the first movie was overrun and I watched it. Feeling rather bad about it for a while because I was very unsure if it was the kind of thing I should watch. Then, continuing with my resolution not to have anything to do with the books a year passed smoothly.

Now my brother has read the books, the brother I so admire. He is still in the process of reading them. It shook my resolve somewhat and made me reconsider taking a took at the books. The second movie began to be advertized and I watched the first trailer they released. It looked rather interesting. The second trailer had me wanting to watch it very much. But when I saw the third trailer (which gives a little more of a view of the Volturie--or however you spell it) I was much more hesitant about watching it and decided I wouldn't.

This being still several months before it came out, everything I constantly heard about it began to eat away at my reserved choice. Now that I've seen the third movie I'm all in a fuddle trying to figure out what I should feel if not what I do feel. I enjoyed it. Pure and simple it fed on my girlish heart's Hopelessly romantic state. The Vampires in the Volturie--though disturbing--didn't bother me as much as they should. I felt myself overlooking many of the problems in the movie.

I'm sure someday I will look at this and be ashamed of the way I have behaved in these past several months. Not so much because of what I have written here but because of all that I have not written here. Things that used to be certain in my mind are now questionable. If I don't stop and ask those questions who knows where I'll end up.

So here I am, stopping to ask myself questions in an effort to get to the bottom of this. Is there anything wrong with enjoying these movies or books? I don't feel guilty about it but is that any excuse? The bible talks about thinking on things that are pure, lovely, noble etc.--Is twilight pure? No. Is it Noble? Only in a twisted way.. As for Lovely...well not in the way that God spoke of in the bible.

The greatest danger here, is not so much that I fall in love with Twilight and all the books but more all that comes attached to doing that. My heart and soul will have compromised for entertainment once again. Is it really worth it? I've started across the line I previously determined I'd not cross just as I did before I set that line in place. My descent down this slippery slope could be very rapid if I don't stop and think, clinging to an overhanging branch from the tree of life on the plain above this slope.

But how do I convince myself that Twilight is bad? I am impressionable. I am just a Teen--a teenage girl no less. (emphasis because that is the target of these books.) I haven't even gone into all the problems with the content of the movies and books. The unredeemable state of the characters, the flippancy with which the main character treats her soul, the obsession of the main character with the Vampire. The list could go on and on.

In Fact not only the list but the blogpost. I could continue on my confusion and indecision and all the reasons I shouldn't read or watch anything to do with Twilight. (Indeed my con list is far longer than the short and superficial frivolous pro list.) So, I will end it now as I have run out of time. Do you want to know what conclusion I have come to? Well here it is.

Putting all that I talked with my mom about and all that I've thought and/or written here, I've decided it's best to keep all Vamp-ed ideas on the backburner of my life and focus on more edifying and equally entertaining sources. All I'd ask of you is to think and ponder your decisions before you make them. This is what I'll be trying to do and I hope I've shed a little light on this subject if not nearly enough.

Goodbye!

Longg time no write..

This is the third milkshake I've made in two days. I want to get good at it. Right now I'm listening to Lilith, by George MacDonald. It's verry interesting.

I haven't written in a while because of many things. I've been preocupied and attentive to a slightly different blog I'm afraid...Here's the link if you have any desire to read it.

http://starlikeyes.wordpress.com/

This seems to be my more real life, what's going through my head, blog. The other one has a lot of imagination to fuel it.

Whatever was on my mind..

I feel a bit like one of those animals from an unwritten asope fable. I constantly want to be trying on new skins to find which one best fits me and can't seem to just settle down and be content. I can almost see the entire tale forming itself to be about an unpropitious elephant. At least that's why the elephant is called so.

At times I feel my mind is filled with beautiful shining thoughts that should be displayed on paper. My mind I picture as a long stemming plant with dewdrops of fanciful thought suspended off the ends of delicate leaves just about to take leap. The only problem with this image is the flattened version of the dewy lovelyness once it has let go of it's safe perch. They don't shine with golden light shooting through them when they lay as dark splattered spots of wetness on cold cement.

So often I don't know what to write. Yet I must write. I must go on and press forward seeking betterment in my craft. I only must also pray every day for the help to accomplish that. Speaking of which..I should be off now.

Amy

P.S. Sorry for abandoning you temporarily for another skin. I've come home like a prodigal but don't count on me not running off again. I'm rather like an impish sprite when it comes to putting thought into word.

Scraps and Pieces

I remember the summons. The trumpet call per say. It sounded over my life and left me quivering in the wind like a banner with a sudden realization of new abounding purpose.

My words are powerful. The weight behind what they say could be the unravellings of my dreams. But I won't let it be. I don't know what makes up the composition of a good writer. What people find so delicious about their vivid prose. I find there are some books where each sentence is a mouthwatering morsel to the mind.

At the same time I read books that make me need to fight simply to read through the next page. If they are of edifying quality I do persevere towards the end. If not, well I close them, set them aside and wait for a more benevolent mood to pervade my consciousness before I try again.

The only problem is I have yet to realize what makes the difference between the former and the latter. I am determined to find out even if it takes me my entire life. It seems that one of the few things that has been hugely on my mind lately is writing. I suppose there's no surprise there considering what I am about to undertake.

From the 1 of November until the 30th of that month I have determined to undertake the challenge of so many others. I will write 50,000 words within that time all on the same book. Yep you read it right. I'll just end this postnow to give you time to get over the shock of it ;).

Make of It What You Will...

Every day I fight with that demon that tries to control me. My struggle shows progress from the days when he did have me under his crushing influence. I now have help, but that is a long story I don’t think you would--actually, I think you should hear it. It may be a strange tale but it happened to me. Make of it what you will but this is something I cannot withhold without denying you the greatest experience of my life. The tale of how I first learned to live.

It is the demon that tells me I am worthless. The one who comes to me, drags me to the bottom and after silent screaming tells me no one can hear me. No one would care anyway. That I'm not worth the air I breath. It would have been better never to have existed because then I wouldn't have taken up space.

I take his thoughts and images and ideas shoved down my throat and swallow it all. I take it as fact, a solid reality of what the rest of the world must think. I see from the inside of this dark cone. This existance that defies acceptance and cries out for an end. I take it and want to give up. This is the edge of depression. This is the edge of darkness.

I turn around and look through eyes covered by his lies. Everywhere I see the things that reinforce the power of his bond over me. I forget about his existance. It is only me. Alone I stand faced with the truth that there is no reason to fight. Truth has the greatest power is that not what I've always been told.

I am still and silent. No more hope throbs through my mind like the blood beating through my veins. I am a disgrace of the race I was created to be a part of. Nothing I do or have ever done is worth anything and all I am is a dead weight to the world. I should just give up. No one would care if I simply disappeared. Simply existed no longer. Life would go on.


But there is a side I cannot see from here. I am blind to it's existance. He stands just beyond where I sit. In thunderous anger and panic and tears he pounds with all his mighty force upon the prison of my lies. Sweat turns to blood on his forehead from the excruciating amount of his agony. What does he suffer for so completely? Me.

His voice is hoarse from roaring at the heavens over me. His clothes are in shreds from his prodigious torment over my chains. The mountains tremble with the power of is emotion. Earthquakes and catastrophes cover the land that is empty and without life. He will not give up. In his endurance his passionate fury and vociferations for me he lasts for days in a violent battle for my life.

With dogged tenacity and awe-striking willpower he turns to the last resort to defeat the devil that holds me in its grasp. He stretches out and turns to take the final blow that was meant to end my life. The uproar of the elements, of thunder and oceans in turmoil and lighting and the wrending of the earth, there was a sudden silence. Time stood still, if in this place it existed at all. Nothing stirred for an eternity that lasted three days. The fires and storms ravaging the earth continued in their paths of destruction.

If this were a story this would be the point where everything ended. This would be the point that you throw the book against the wall and have your own little tantrum of the unfairness of it all. But I am here writing this am I not? Had that been the end I would not be alive. He who died was my loving Jealous Guardian. He who died had power to subdue the whole earth. He who died had power to give life and bring distruction.

He who died, died wholly. But then the miraculous happened. The only being in greater athourity than he raised him from his death. In his death he had gone to a place of infernal feriocity. Through fire and brimstone he went to the place too terrible to write about, the place of no return.

He went to the demon who had power over me and fought those three days for me. He took what was given to me. That which I had handed over to it. He took it back to himself. It was life. When once his task was accomplished the one who's athority was greater than his raised him from that death into life once again and put him above all else. His name held the greatest power and authority for he was the one who had battled and fought death and conquered with life.

I was utterly unaware of what raged beyond my silent depression. In the stifling thick darkness I was ready to give up. I longed for an end and reached out to give myself release. But before that darkest deed could be done a dot, a tiny light, distracted my attention. For a moment I had something real to focus on something other than myself.

As I looked through bleary eyes without hope at that small fragment of light it grew. I had become so adjusted to the darkness my eyes began to sear with pain. The pain made me blink and groan reaching up to try and block out the horrible light. The pain began to rouse me, I wanted something. I desperately wanted something for the first time since the beginning. The beginning of what? I didn't know. I wanted that light to go away. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to scream but still I was not awake enough for even that.

I rolled and writhed on the ground trying to block out the light. But it grew brighter. It surrounded me. I forgot where I was and only focused on the pain. Then suddenly a voice like rolling thunder sent a shock like a lightning bolt through my being.

"Awaken. Come to me. Come. Wake up, you have been asleep for far too long."

It was soft and gentle but to my ears that had been deaf to noise for so long it was too loud. A new pain sourced in my ears began throbbing through me. I finally dared open my eyes again. I forced myself to focus through the pain and slowly it began to ease. My eyes began to focus. As they did I saw a man. He was dressed entirely in white and shining like the sun.

He must be where all this light is coming from. I would have asked him to go away if I had been able to think but I couldn't speak. My eyes adjusted more and I realized he was no ordinary man. If I had been fully myself he would have taken my breath away. As I was I lay there forgetting the pain that still throbbed through my head and stared dazedly at this divine being.

He was human, I could see that, but somehow so much more than just human. Words escaped my muddled confused mind to describe him then but still there are no words to express his awesome existance. Like a wave of electric current flowing out in a pure untamed form I was struck by his presence. It flowed through me, radiated from me and utterly surrounded me. I felt more alive then it seemed possible, as if at any moment I might explode from the amount of life surging through me.

To simply be alive in the same world as this being made me want to jump and shout and sing and cry and laugh and...live. Tears blurred my vision and I shook with the powerful emotion that struggled to find its way into expression. I lived again. I was awake. I drew breath for what seemed like the first time. The air set my lungs on fire and again there was pain but I could bare it now. I was alive and he was here beside me. Nothing could stand in our way.

He knelt beside me and gently drew me into his embrace. The sweet rich scent of earth and sky, flowers and fruit and even sound such as that of a mighty waterfall and a cooing dove, filled my lungs and I rested.

After a long while he lifted me in his strong arms and put me on my feet. Looking into his eyes I knew he had a purpose for my life. I knew that I was not worthless to him. He made me want to live, to love, to exist.

"Will you come walk with me?" he asked.

My eyes brightened and I nodded breathlessly. He took my arm in his and turned towards the world.

"I have so much to show you."

I could sense the excitement in his voice and I felt it flood me as well. We took a step in unison and I began to truly live for the first time.

Rubber Band

I'm glad God made me a little like a rubber band. You can stretch me out, twist me around something several times, drop me, or step on me and I'll still bounce back to the way I was originally. If you pull me back but then let me go I'll go flying where you send me. Sometimes I might hurt people without knowing it but I try and help hold things together.

For some reason I'm such a flobient(made up word) person. I will fly sky high with joy and turn around and fall into a deep pit. Thankfully I redily climb out of that pit quickly. Perhaps I feel a little like David. He was a very expressive person. Because his heart and life was so tightly aligned with God, his emotions were tied deeply into that relationship. When he did something that didn't please God he was thrown into the depths of despair until it showed in his physical health.

In my relationship with God purity is key. When I sin I feel like a stone is put on my heart and weighs it down heavily. When I do something that isn't quite sinning but not in alignment with God's will the same feeling comes. I try to hide away from the facts and say to Him and myself,

"No, no. That's not what I mean."

He knows best but I still haven't been able to trust him completely. A lot of that is my fault. I haven't taken the proper amount of time to get to know him. I don't separate a time to spend with him everyday even though I should. I'm in the least busy part of my life and if I can't be with him every day during this time then when will I ever?

So I'm a rubber band in the hands of God. I just haven't let myself be stretched as much as I can be. Instead I'd rather be left hanging on a door handle.

I need to read His Word enter His World and get to know who he is.

Jealousy

Here I am like a long lost relative showing up to drop off a cake like I never was gone. (That's my newest form of an apology for not writing.)

Now onto the topic that is given you in the title. It's a feeling I haven't had frequently over the course of my life. This makes me unequipped to deal with it when it does come to grace me with it's ugly face. I hate how powerless I feel against it. I want to be able to anticipate the green vermin at the door before it makes it's way into my heart.

I have no idea if it is something that should flatter him/her who it is directed at but I know it certainly does nothing to help bring people closer in friendship. There is an unexplainable bitterness that comes into the voice and mannerisms of a person suffering from this slimy creatures presence. Nothing that the victim of a jealous person has done would have triggered it necessarily caused it. Sometimes bragging or any other slightly annoying trait might have lead to it but often the person had little to do with causing it.

When in some amount of success or 'good luck'* the person reaches a goal that said jealous person has dreamed of there is the possibility of such envious thoughts. From personal experience, I have discovered that one of the best way to help loosen the grip of this green demon is by encouraging the jealous person in the area you might figure out that their jealously came from.

Anyway I'd best actually wrap this up and post it. Even if the thought isn't complete.

Amy