Ok, I know I probably shouldn't be asking for help with this on my blog of all places, but I am anyway. I have been struggling with this essay for way too long. It's like wrestling a bull. And the problem is I wrote most of it before I had my point! Now I have my point and I've been halfheartedly trying to weave it into the telling.
Any comments about it that you have please tell me. All criticism is very welcome! The more specific your comments the better. I need help! My topic is travel. My point is me finding a home. This essay is not finished. The end at the moment is hanging. It is a school assignment so I'm not asking you to do it for me. I'm just asking for suggestions because I'm at my wits end with this. I need help getting into it..aka I'm lazy xS. It's not good I know. *sigh* but here it is anyway...
Please mention things that don't sound right, flow right, are not grammatically correct. Any and all comments are welcome. You can get mad at me for even doing this if you'd like haha :P =S.
Born Traveler or Wandering Traveler (not totally edited)
My mom tried to get a doctor, she really did, but everyone was too scared to see her. They weren’t scared of her, they just didn’t want to be liable if anything had gone wrong; they weren’t her doctors. She always got the same answer,
“You need to see a specialist, ma’am.”
So she went to find a specialist and finally one gynecologist agreed to see her, but only the week after my parents were scheduled to leave. My parents decided to risk it and take the trip back to Colombia anyway.
The reason my mom needed to see the doctor is this. She was 41 years old and pregnant. Her three last pregnancies had had complications and problems. She was bleeding a bit and had a well grounded fear that something might be wrong. My dad took extra good care of her throughout the trip, making sure there was a wheelchair to take her from the plane at the layover. We even spent the duration of the layover in a Red Cross room so my mom could lay down.
Once she arrived in Colombia, she went to see her doctor and found out that everything was ok with me. Yes, I was the baby my mom was pregnant with. And that, was my first experience with travel.
Hi, my name is Amy, I'm fifteen years old and I have been in a search of home all my life. Ever since I was six we have traveled from country to country. We haven’t ever stayed long enough for me to even ask myself the question, “Is this home?”
There are other reasons I haven’t felt like holding any country in my heart as home or as somewhere to be patriotic to. I am a bit of a cynic when it comes to patriotism. Those who hold to their country and flag with intense desperation can’t understand where I’m coming from. I see the country and all it’s flaws and can’t bring myself to be proud of it. I hold strong to the thought that I am a citizen of heaven. There, there is no pain or struggle, flaws and hypocrisy.
I’m not asking for a perfect place. I just don’t want a place that claims perfection as they walk away from the only source of it. You can’t cure a disease until you know that you have the symptoms. But perhaps you’d have more of an idea why I can’t seem to decide where my loyalties lie by telling you my choices.
Where should I begin? Well, I guess, the best way explain this to you is by showing you my closest linage . My dad was born in England and immigrated to Canada when he was three. The day after his twenty-fourth birthday he married my mom who was born and raised an all American girl. They moved to Colombia where my three older brothers and I were born. This heritage entitles me to four passports. No, you didn’t read it wrong, I am the citizen of four countries.
Now can you understand my difficulty? I am the rightful citizen of these four countries. Which one should I claim? Or can I claim a little of all of them? If you think you have a simple answer to all these questions then you’re still thinking from the mind of an American. Let me try and show you what it’s like having the mind of a TCK, EnglAmeriCanObian, traveling teenager.
How patriotic can a person be when they are accused of practically living on an airplane? Even so, most people that fly a lot have one country as a base that they go back to more often than anywhere else.
For a long while, we didn’t. We’d travel to one place and stay there for several months until we would uproot and move again. I can’t say I’ve quite been accused of living on an airplane but do have a good amount of knowledge about the cheaper half of airlines.
But you don’t want to know the statistics because they’re plain boring. Let me instead tell you the reason that travel has never become mundane to me. You have to fly. Flying requires going thousands of feet off the ground and remaining suspended at that height for hours on end. Yes, I know I’m repeating the obvious, but this is the problem. I am terrified of heights. Last time I checked, heights start at a lot less than a thousand feet.
There have been many different ways I have used to try getting rid of my ‘flight fear’ but none of them have worked permanently. One of my methods was to forget I was even on a plane. Here’s an example of a trip we made Bali.
I kept myself in denial all the way from the taxi to the airport through until the boarding call. Then, once I was seated on the plane I took a deep breath and kept whispering to myself, “Your still on the ground. Nothing’s going to happen. See, we’re not even moving. Just relax.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
DING! The seatbelt sign came on and people finished settling down. Then came the taxi and the wait. I still tried to suppress my nervous jittering. The engines roared to life and I clutched the vibrating armrests until my knuckles turned white. Mom leans over and took my hand saying,
“It’s ok, we’re just going to take off now. Don’t worry.”
Don’t worry? I guess that’s exactly what I had been doing, though subconsciously. No, that didn’t work. I tried getting my mind off the land that dropped out from under the seemingly thin metal floor of the plane another way. I read from a book and listened to music on my Ipod. Then I tried talking with my mom but suddenly a gut wrenching terror ripped the words and all thought from my mind as the plane free fell. Mom saw me go white and took my hand again. It lasted only seconds and I could breath again. Turbulence. That was one way I tried.
My favorite way of getting rid of my ‘flight fear’, though, was the time I tried using my imagination. I had been reading a couple fantasy books that had to do with dragons, so the next time I went on a trip I had a brilliant idea. I pretend I was the rider of a dragon being sent off on a quest. As we headed along the boarding ramp my thoughts were focused on the pretend dragon I was going to be riding. No fear this time, I was a brave warrior heading off on a dangerous mission.
As the plane taxied, waited, and took off I watched through the window. As the earth shrank beneath me I imagined soaring on the back of a beautiful dragon. We climbed through layer after layer of billowing cloud castles to great heights. I was totally caught up in the romance of it all. With wind rushing past, we flew through the clouds colored by a golden sunrise.
This wonderful tactic worked on two flights. During the take off of the third, I really got to thinking about it. Then I had a most undeluded{arg there's no such word but there should be!} epiphany. In a plane your protected by walls and you’re wearing a seatbelt. On a dragon you would be out in the open. The dragon would be more likely to do flips and somersaults and drop without a moments notice. A plane is far more predictable. My protective bubble burst at the thought I had evaded until now. Riding a dragon would be a lot scarier than flying in a plane!
Of course, I can’t say that flying and the actual mode of transport is everything. Who would travel just for the sake of traveling? No, you travel to get somewhere. Therefore the best part of traveling should be the destinations. Here is one of the places I had the privilege to live in
INDONESIA
When I was seven and my brother fourteen, we moved from the US to Indonesia, historically know as the spice islands. It was a very new and strange experience and the beginning of what I would come to call my ‘norm’. Travel became routine, hellos became easier and goodbyes more frequent. You had to be quick adaptable, and easy to please when it came to making friends. It was the only way to survive the possibility of loneliness.
I think it was harder for Joshua, my brother, because he was just beginning to figure things out and start making friends. Then we were thrown into a completely alien situation and he had to start all over. For me it was all excitement and thank goodness I’m an extrovert! Now, let me show you our introduction to Indonesia.
But to show you a bit of what the essential Indonesia was like, let me tell you my first experience there. We were picked up at the airport in Jakarta by our friend’s driver. His name was Bangbang and he didn’t speak a word of English. The way we knew we had found the right person was by a sign he had with our names on it.
Our first order of business was to find a translation dictionary. The streets of Indonesia are filled with people selling all manner of things, and as we left the airport my dad was able buy a dictionary from one.
The first word we learned in Bahasa Indonesia, was the word for spider, which is laba-laba because there were huge scary spiders up in the telephone wires. Not long after, we learned a phrase we would not soon forget. When we asked how much longer until we got there his answer was, “Tiga jam, tiga jam” We flipped through the dictionary frantically trying to find out
what that meant.
Tiga ___________the number three
Jam ___________hour
So it would take us three hours to get to our friends house. We settled down for a long ride. I was very young and sleepy then so I didn’t really notice what was going on, but I soon found out that we were in a traffic jam. It was stop and go traffic all the way through the capital city of Jakarta.
Three hours passed and my parents again asked how long it would be until we got there. His answer,
“Tiga jam, tiga jam,”
Had we moved at all? We were still three hours away from a good soft bed and familiar faces of people who spoke English. Finally, we made it out of the city and were barreling down a lonely road with barely any traffic. Greenery stretched out on either side of us. Distant rolling hills were covered in groves of palm trees, and terraced rice patties. Apparently, he was trying to make up for lost time by speeding down the bumpy road.
Another three hours passed and my parents asked once more how long before we reached the house.
With a smile and an eager nod he answered, “Satu jam lagi.”
Satu ___________one
lagi ___________more
With a sigh of relief for hearing him say something less than three hours we tried to get comfortable. Dusk was only a few hours away and I struggled to get some sleep wedged between two boxes of our luggage. After the little bit of time my mom spent in the front my dad stayed there instead.
Suddenly a strange noise came from under the van and it started to sway a bit. Bangbang pulled off the road and he, my dad, and brother got out. A long silence ensued and I sat up to see what was going on. We had blown a tire and it would need to be replaced.
Two hours passed before we were finally able to continue our journey. In the light of a setting sun we trundled along once again. By now I was so tired I could barely keep my eyes open. I must have finally fallen asleep because when I awoke it was dark outside and we were stopped in front of a house.
Sleepy eyed and weary I stumbled out of the van after my brother. It was a beautiful blue night and warm light spilled from the windows of the house but I didn’t care. All that mattered at that moment was that somewhere in that house was a bed that I could at last go to sleep on.
Our ‘three hour’ trip took a total of nine hours. By the time we arrived our friends were frantic. We made our greetings wearily and explained the delay before dropping into the beds they had ready for our arrival. All other information could wait for a new morning.
The time in Indonesia was eventful and I learned a lot. But we left before even the idea of a ‘home’ was fully formed, much less established. We had spent most of the time staying in our friends house in a very temporary way. Finally we were able to rent a house across the street, but it was for less than a year.
After Indonesia we moved to Singapore, but also stayed there for less than a year. After visiting around in Thailand and Malaysia, we decided to settle here, in Malaysia. Still, I struggled to define home.
Though I never called it home, there was a part of my heart that was held by the US. I would look forward to a certain holiday, homy, familiar feeling that I would always get when I went there. At the same time I never could connect or understand a lot about that country. If you asked me where home was I would hesitate and search for the truth. The only answer I was ever able to come up with was,
“I guess it’s wherever my parents are. So if they’re here this is like home, and if they’re elsewhere then that’s my home.”
This unsatisfactory answer drove me to figure out what the meaning of home was. Was it a place as described in The Long Voyage by Malcolm Cowley? Was it really wherever my parents were or did it have something deeper too it than that. In the end I could only decide this. A home is a very important place where you yearn to return whenever you leave. It’s a place that you feel is part of you. I don’t think you can truly have a home in a country that you haven’t dipped into the culture and taken some of it to be your own.
There’s also the idea of temporary homes, but are they really home? You can live in a community of Americans who are living in Malaysia and call that home. But I think to call the country home you have to at least take one piece of the culture and claim it as your own. Then you can say, “Malaysia is my home.”
I only came to this conclusion at the end of last year. That was when I finally realized those words. I finally took them to be mine. Now Malaysia is my home. It’s the first real home I’ve ever had and now it holds a very special place in my heart.
I will leave Malaysia eventually. I’ll travel much more in the future, and settle in other countries. I will even find new homes and a sense of belonging. Eventually I will grow out of this current life and perhaps not find the same friends I know now.
But there is one thing that will never change. Malaysia will always be the first place I belonged. The first place I loved. The first place returned to and now finally the first place I called home.
[This is currently the end of my essay. I know that most of you who are reading this will understand the BI but the people who will be receiving this essay will not.]
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Monday, February 23, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Random Recentness
Oh bother. Yeah it's been a while since I've posted. I guess I just haven't been feeling like it lately...I really need to though. Good place to journal stuff that would be nice to know in the future.
Anyway I'm not in the mood to write much. I'm going up to Cameron to be in a prayer conference. Yeah. I'll help leading and at it's going to be a very interesting time to say the least...
Haha..It will also be a nice place to get to see people I haven't seen in a while.
ARG. By the way, there have been two songs stuck in my head, one in paticular, Hot 'n' Cold by Katy Perry. Ok not sure If I spelled the title right but you get the point. That song is soo catchy and ANNOYING. :) Anyway the other one's not so bad the main lyrics are:
I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok,
I just wanna be ok today.
Hahah. Yeah VERY catch tune. This day, sunday is the end of a very unproductive week that can go by unnoticed by the world for it's complete and total uselesness. Haha :). I just was still dealing with stuff. Plus I'm a people person and I focus my attention on Saturday and Sunday, but lately I've been ending Sunday on a low which makes me sad. But, BUT, I'm not going to let this week pass unmarked by any note worth accomplishments! NO indeed. I have plans...haha I hope I keep them!
I've had a lot of questions lately. Actually mainly today. They have mostly to do with my current friendships and how they're going. Perhaps once I get a few answers I'll post up some of my questions, but for now I'll leave you be.
Oh yes, the only two things that are note worthy happened yesterday. I went to No Apologies, woohoo :D. It was great! and I had skit practice. Everyone is doing really well in the skit! I just honestly hope I'm not really getting on anyone's nerves for being rather bossy. I get a little annoyed with myself afterwards, but I'm trying to learn! I want to know what really bugs people! Then I want to try not to do it :D!
I'll get a move on now. I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed. I need to pull myself out of this lull! and I WILL >.<
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Anyway I'm not in the mood to write much. I'm going up to Cameron to be in a prayer conference. Yeah. I'll help leading and at it's going to be a very interesting time to say the least...
Haha..It will also be a nice place to get to see people I haven't seen in a while.
ARG. By the way, there have been two songs stuck in my head, one in paticular, Hot 'n' Cold by Katy Perry. Ok not sure If I spelled the title right but you get the point. That song is soo catchy and ANNOYING. :) Anyway the other one's not so bad the main lyrics are:
I just wanna be ok, be ok, be ok,
I just wanna be ok today.
Hahah. Yeah VERY catch tune. This day, sunday is the end of a very unproductive week that can go by unnoticed by the world for it's complete and total uselesness. Haha :). I just was still dealing with stuff. Plus I'm a people person and I focus my attention on Saturday and Sunday, but lately I've been ending Sunday on a low which makes me sad. But, BUT, I'm not going to let this week pass unmarked by any note worth accomplishments! NO indeed. I have plans...haha I hope I keep them!
I've had a lot of questions lately. Actually mainly today. They have mostly to do with my current friendships and how they're going. Perhaps once I get a few answers I'll post up some of my questions, but for now I'll leave you be.
Oh yes, the only two things that are note worthy happened yesterday. I went to No Apologies, woohoo :D. It was great! and I had skit practice. Everyone is doing really well in the skit! I just honestly hope I'm not really getting on anyone's nerves for being rather bossy. I get a little annoyed with myself afterwards, but I'm trying to learn! I want to know what really bugs people! Then I want to try not to do it :D!
I'll get a move on now. I'm going to do some reading before I go to bed. I need to pull myself out of this lull! and I WILL >.<
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Park Realizations - You are Number One Front and Center
Sorry I haven't written in a while, I've been preoccupied and when I do write it's been while I'm away from my computer. Yesterday I had the most glorious time in the park. I just went out there at around 4 in the afternoon, set up a blanket and relaxed into the place I have now found to call my own sort of refuge. It's not in the secluded cool glade in the middle of a peaceful forest right along side a flowing brook, as I'd always imagined it, but it is wonderful all the same.
Whew! That was a long and probably not very grammatical sentence. Anyway, as I sat in the shade of a small tree, I found a lot to think about. My aspirations and hopes rose on the soft summer wind. I believe I am going to write Malaysia into one of my stories--not as Malaysia mind you but as somewhere else with all sorts of things that are from Malaysia. Unlike Narnia where it was the country that had a winter for a hundred years, it will be a land that had a summer for a thousand years.
While I was there I thought and wrote about two people. They are very different and I like one and desperately love the other. While I wrote about the one I found I thought about the other mixed in. But when I began to write about the other the one really fades in comparison. I think, if there is one thing I have learned from this whole strange situation, it is how much the other deserves first and foremost place in my heart for ever and always.
I hope you can follow this, but if not I can tell you that the Other is my Lord and my Savior. Jesus must fill my heart with all good desires and teach me everything worth knowing in this world. He will lead me through bogs of despair and discouragement and dance with me in fields of inspiration and laughter. He will carry me across the desert sands and protect me in the wilderness. Over me will he watch as I sleep by the streams of peace in times of strife. Everything that is good comes from him and nothing that is evil is a part of him. No one can understand me better, not even myself. This is what I will remember. This is what I will hold to.
He provides me with all good things and will help me rid myself of the evil and despicable that lurks in the deep corners of my heart. He will make me brave when I need it most, and be my strength when I am at my weakest. On him I will lean for everything. In everything he will never let me be alone. When I sin he will grieve with me. When I resist he will rejoice over me.
In everything He is my life. And as he gave his life for me I will offer mine to his. Never will he ask me to do something that I am not capable of doing. And on everything that I feel that I cannot do he will give me the tools and strength that I need to do it. When I am apathetic he will send someone to wake me up, and when i stray he will shine out his truth like a beacon from a lighthouse.
In times when I have no one to talk to, no one to cry with I can turn to him. He will understand better than I can explain it. He will never turn me away. Never be to tired, or angry, or annoyed to turn me away. And he is more than just all these things. He is a mighty and awesome God. Someone to be feared because he does have the power to judge and does not take lightly any of the sins we make. He is filled with justice and would not, could not pardon us from all our iniquities. All the things that separate us from him. So he came and died to fulfill the punishment we deserved. To make a way that we could have access to him and all the things that make him sooo wonderful!
And you know what is the most amazing of all? He's not only perfect and the greatest awesomest person in the universe (I'm not exaggerating here. He really is!) he also loves me passionately. He is willing to do anything and he has already done everything to make sure there is away that I can be with him.
When I run from him, he will run faster to catch me. When I am broken, he will heal me. When I am hungry or thirsty I will find everything to satisfy me in him. All this and infinitely more am I beginning to see in him. Guilt is something that can bring me to him or drive me from him. I need to repent and then to forgive, all. Them and myself..
See? Isn't he worth everything in the world to give to him and much much more? You might be saying, Well yeah, if he was all that. Who could ask for a better guy? But come on...don't you find him being able to do all that kinda ridiculous? No. No I don't. I believe with all my heart and soul that he is not only capable of doing all that stuff, but that he is doing all that stuff.
Man I really wish I had the time to go through and brighten this post up a bit, but I really want to get it posted and I need to go out for lunch soon. Anyway Tata for now!
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
P.S. I might not be writing for a while cuz I've really got to focus on me schoolin'. So I'll drop a hi later and tell you a bit about all my wonderful times with friends! (and the skit I'm putting together. Right now mainly I need to Memorize memorize memorize!!)
Whew! That was a long and probably not very grammatical sentence. Anyway, as I sat in the shade of a small tree, I found a lot to think about. My aspirations and hopes rose on the soft summer wind. I believe I am going to write Malaysia into one of my stories--not as Malaysia mind you but as somewhere else with all sorts of things that are from Malaysia. Unlike Narnia where it was the country that had a winter for a hundred years, it will be a land that had a summer for a thousand years.
While I was there I thought and wrote about two people. They are very different and I like one and desperately love the other. While I wrote about the one I found I thought about the other mixed in. But when I began to write about the other the one really fades in comparison. I think, if there is one thing I have learned from this whole strange situation, it is how much the other deserves first and foremost place in my heart for ever and always.
I hope you can follow this, but if not I can tell you that the Other is my Lord and my Savior. Jesus must fill my heart with all good desires and teach me everything worth knowing in this world. He will lead me through bogs of despair and discouragement and dance with me in fields of inspiration and laughter. He will carry me across the desert sands and protect me in the wilderness. Over me will he watch as I sleep by the streams of peace in times of strife. Everything that is good comes from him and nothing that is evil is a part of him. No one can understand me better, not even myself. This is what I will remember. This is what I will hold to.
He provides me with all good things and will help me rid myself of the evil and despicable that lurks in the deep corners of my heart. He will make me brave when I need it most, and be my strength when I am at my weakest. On him I will lean for everything. In everything he will never let me be alone. When I sin he will grieve with me. When I resist he will rejoice over me.
In everything He is my life. And as he gave his life for me I will offer mine to his. Never will he ask me to do something that I am not capable of doing. And on everything that I feel that I cannot do he will give me the tools and strength that I need to do it. When I am apathetic he will send someone to wake me up, and when i stray he will shine out his truth like a beacon from a lighthouse.
In times when I have no one to talk to, no one to cry with I can turn to him. He will understand better than I can explain it. He will never turn me away. Never be to tired, or angry, or annoyed to turn me away. And he is more than just all these things. He is a mighty and awesome God. Someone to be feared because he does have the power to judge and does not take lightly any of the sins we make. He is filled with justice and would not, could not pardon us from all our iniquities. All the things that separate us from him. So he came and died to fulfill the punishment we deserved. To make a way that we could have access to him and all the things that make him sooo wonderful!
And you know what is the most amazing of all? He's not only perfect and the greatest awesomest person in the universe (I'm not exaggerating here. He really is!) he also loves me passionately. He is willing to do anything and he has already done everything to make sure there is away that I can be with him.
When I run from him, he will run faster to catch me. When I am broken, he will heal me. When I am hungry or thirsty I will find everything to satisfy me in him. All this and infinitely more am I beginning to see in him. Guilt is something that can bring me to him or drive me from him. I need to repent and then to forgive, all. Them and myself..
See? Isn't he worth everything in the world to give to him and much much more? You might be saying, Well yeah, if he was all that. Who could ask for a better guy? But come on...don't you find him being able to do all that kinda ridiculous? No. No I don't. I believe with all my heart and soul that he is not only capable of doing all that stuff, but that he is doing all that stuff.
Man I really wish I had the time to go through and brighten this post up a bit, but I really want to get it posted and I need to go out for lunch soon. Anyway Tata for now!
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
P.S. I might not be writing for a while cuz I've really got to focus on me schoolin'. So I'll drop a hi later and tell you a bit about all my wonderful times with friends! (and the skit I'm putting together. Right now mainly I need to Memorize memorize memorize!!)
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
What makes a Good Writer?
That's the question I've been asking myself lately. I mean, what is it that qualifies one to be considered a good writer? I practically just drip my thoughts all over a page in typed letters, and sometimes they come out making sense and other times they're a total mess. I just wonder how you become a good writer. What develops the quality?
I know a big part of it must be simple practice, but is there something more? Is the only way to improve is if I keep challenging myself to write new and stretching things? I don't know. All I know is that when I try and write something brilliant and make it as perfect as I possibly can I get a few scratched up words that don't sound at all natural. Writer's block is like a sheet of ice between me and the keyboard. I can't make anything sound right.
Then I look at these wonderfully written articles and I wonder where they get the words and the strength to put it down on paper in such a great way. I see all the pressure they must be under to get something good out and I really wonder how they stand up to it.
Perhaps I just have a fear of writing. A fear of not measuring up to my dream and that's what inhibits me. I wonder almost every day if I have what it takes to be a writer. I'm realizing more and more how much courage and strength is needed to step forward and curl your hand around the pen that will shape your future. I want to know if I have what it takes! I long to understand what gift I have been given by God. What part did he give me and what part do I have to work at with fierce determination to reach. Do I really have what it takes to write?
I feel a fire inside that burns with longing. I want to understand. I want to learn. I want to find out if this is really what God wants me to be. It's like a song I know goes. A sea of insecurity rages inside of me. Can I take the challenge of writing a novel into my hands and really make it a reality? And after that will it be of enough quality to be enjoyed by others?
I want to know! Is everything I've been dreaming about for so long a simple fancy? Writing seems far more difficult than so many other professions. It seems to take twice as much courage and four times as much determination. There are so many people out there trying to make a mark on the world and yet few make it very far. Thousands upon thousands of people dream the same dream I have since I was little, but how many succeed?
I only must be certain that this is the call of God on my life and then I will have something much greater on my side than most of those people. I will have a loving, caring God who knows what is best for me far better than I know myself. I don't know if I can write. I don't know if I have what it takes. But I do know that God will always be on my side.
It's just that ever since I started reading books about writing (a favorite former hobby) I kept seeing two things that rather bugged me. One, all these writers began when they were so young. They started writing at ages 7, 9, 10, 12. And I don't mean writing in the sense that they occasionally wrote a little ditty. These were the ages they began to journal and journal quite frequently.
In my heart and mind I struggled to begin to journal. I knew I needed to write because of number two, they're one always common advice was, practice, practice, practice! In other words, write, write, write! Only now do I begin a blog in earnest and I hope I can get back into fictional writing.
Therein lies my heart. I have a story to tell. A story that takes place in a world very near to my heart and yet very far from this earth. I don't believe I can ever measure up to the great Authors of the world, C.S. Lewis, JRR Tolkien, but I do believe I have something to offer the world.
My one hope that keeps me holding onto my dreams, is the desire that rises in me on a rare occasion to write and write with a fury of inspiration. I want to put so much emotion into what I write. I believe writing is like any other art. It takes someone brave and at the same one someone who is willing to express their deepest feelings in a way that can express what others don't have the words to say.
I need to go do school now so I'm just going to post this up. Sorry haven't been so artsy lately. I'll try and post some more colorful and artistic posts later.
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
I know a big part of it must be simple practice, but is there something more? Is the only way to improve is if I keep challenging myself to write new and stretching things? I don't know. All I know is that when I try and write something brilliant and make it as perfect as I possibly can I get a few scratched up words that don't sound at all natural. Writer's block is like a sheet of ice between me and the keyboard. I can't make anything sound right.
Then I look at these wonderfully written articles and I wonder where they get the words and the strength to put it down on paper in such a great way. I see all the pressure they must be under to get something good out and I really wonder how they stand up to it.
Perhaps I just have a fear of writing. A fear of not measuring up to my dream and that's what inhibits me. I wonder almost every day if I have what it takes to be a writer. I'm realizing more and more how much courage and strength is needed to step forward and curl your hand around the pen that will shape your future. I want to know if I have what it takes! I long to understand what gift I have been given by God. What part did he give me and what part do I have to work at with fierce determination to reach. Do I really have what it takes to write?
I feel a fire inside that burns with longing. I want to understand. I want to learn. I want to find out if this is really what God wants me to be. It's like a song I know goes. A sea of insecurity rages inside of me. Can I take the challenge of writing a novel into my hands and really make it a reality? And after that will it be of enough quality to be enjoyed by others?
I want to know! Is everything I've been dreaming about for so long a simple fancy? Writing seems far more difficult than so many other professions. It seems to take twice as much courage and four times as much determination. There are so many people out there trying to make a mark on the world and yet few make it very far. Thousands upon thousands of people dream the same dream I have since I was little, but how many succeed?
I only must be certain that this is the call of God on my life and then I will have something much greater on my side than most of those people. I will have a loving, caring God who knows what is best for me far better than I know myself. I don't know if I can write. I don't know if I have what it takes. But I do know that God will always be on my side.
It's just that ever since I started reading books about writing (a favorite former hobby) I kept seeing two things that rather bugged me. One, all these writers began when they were so young. They started writing at ages 7, 9, 10, 12. And I don't mean writing in the sense that they occasionally wrote a little ditty. These were the ages they began to journal and journal quite frequently.
In my heart and mind I struggled to begin to journal. I knew I needed to write because of number two, they're one always common advice was, practice, practice, practice! In other words, write, write, write! Only now do I begin a blog in earnest and I hope I can get back into fictional writing.
Therein lies my heart. I have a story to tell. A story that takes place in a world very near to my heart and yet very far from this earth. I don't believe I can ever measure up to the great Authors of the world, C.S. Lewis, JRR Tolkien, but I do believe I have something to offer the world.
My one hope that keeps me holding onto my dreams, is the desire that rises in me on a rare occasion to write and write with a fury of inspiration. I want to put so much emotion into what I write. I believe writing is like any other art. It takes someone brave and at the same one someone who is willing to express their deepest feelings in a way that can express what others don't have the words to say.
I need to go do school now so I'm just going to post this up. Sorry haven't been so artsy lately. I'll try and post some more colorful and artistic posts later.
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Friday, February 6, 2009
The Frivoloties of the Mind
What sorts of frivolities has your mind been indulging in lately? In this way I mean, what silly pointless and yet lovely things have you been thinking about? The things that are comparable to delectable little chocolates that are so tasty and yet so unhealthy if it makes up the constitution of your entire diet. I could begin to list all the different things that I consider to be frivolities but I won't for two reasons. My list would be too long, and it would make anyone who is lax with their imagination to despair of ever having a non frivolous thought.
written: 1/28/09 8:22 pm
Let me first begin by telling you that the above paragraph I wrote several days ago and decided not to continue because of the stuck up nature of the article. Now I return to it with a renewed vigor because I have just read the essay Life without Principle, by Henry David Thoreau. Now, I don't agree with everything he has to say the therein but it has both inspired me and challenged me.I would highly recommend to anyone to read his essay, because it makes us think and challenges us to clear our minds of simple purposeless thoughts and try delving into the greater riches of life. He doesn't approach it from a Christian perspective, but I believe that if he had it would have attained a much greater height of purpose then it did. Scoff me all you'd like, I'm no brilliant mind and am just expressing my opinion. I'm full of Thoreau right now so let me say, in the words of Thoreau:
One of the examples of a time when he delved into a deep topic, but missed the mark because of lack of perspective is this. (Remember all is simply in my own perspective and I'm just adding this to edit out all the I thinks that might make it sound a bit less presumptuous.)
Aaa..well..I cannot find the quote at the moment so if I do I'll post it back here but for now I'm moving on.
There are a lot of memorable and good lovely ideas in this essay. I'll just give you some quotes and my ideas.
When I first started reading this essay I read it silently and while lieing down in the early afternoon. That was a mistake. I hadn't the brainpower to process the ideas expressed and...I soon fell asleep. The next day when I tried to take it up around the same time as the day before I nearly fell asleep again! The appeal for this essay was draining away and my moral was dropping...Then my mom came in to join me and I ended up reading it to her. That helped a whole lot to read it out loud.
These last few days I have been feeling a bit down and out. I was having a hard time seeing any purpose or meaningfulness in my current life, mainly in the last few days. It's mostly to the credit of my laziness in not focusing on school work as much as I should. I didn't feel that my mind or body was being exercised anywhere near it's lowest potential.
Chatting became dull and uninteresting because it felt so pointless and without meaning. Conversations never getting deeper then what kind of livelihood do you plan on having once you're out of school. There wasn't a way of exchanging deeper concepts of life or discussing ideas...I am in search of that now. The lack of imagination in my conversations was getting to be very mundane.
Now, my advice to anyone who gets into the same rut I've been in is exactly what I did. It was hard to get started and I needed my mom to get me into it :), but once I was going I started getting into it. You have no idea how smart it makes you feel reading aloud the writings of someone who has a brilliant way with words and ideas and understanding them. Try it sometime.
After a page or two I hit upon the thought that made me start this post a while back. That's when my interest was sparked. I began this post before I read this essay and it was beginning along the lines of what he talks about in this essay. I barely touched the surface like a butterfly brushes it's wings on a leaf, but I did start something along the lines of this adept philosopher, and that's what stirred my excitement. Did I really start along the same train of thought?
He said:
Now, I do not pretend to fully understand this statement nor to claim I came to this conclusion. It was the frivolity that caught my interest and made me remember the way I had begun to write about it here. Along the line of the idleness of our daily chatter is this next quote that comes from a little farther down the page:
Isn't this so true sometimes? I have definitely felt this. If we arn't barely speaking about superficial surfaces of our lives such as how our day has been, the movies we watch, the music we listen to, and all other 'small talk' as it is labeled, then we speak of each other's feelings and heart issues in derogatory ways.
We stab each other in the back when we are left to discuss the actions and attitudes of those we know and often delight in turning against in malice once they are out of earshot. Honeyed words that they hear are the covering for our sometime cruel gossip. Ok, yes, I know I just went about in describing it in a dark and morbid way. This is not what I think my current friends are like, but I have had friends of this kind.
I don't fault them wholly for it though, I think in the past it has not always come out of an intent to hurt, though it does, and does intensely, but more out of an ignorance of the pain it can cause. An opening of the part of our mind subject to our fallen nature and the reason we cannot read each other's thoughts. They could be far too hurtful to know. In the privacy of our minds we sometimes think of others what we would never say. Yet sometimes before we truly learn the weight words can have, we let those evil fallen thoughts to slip out in words. Gossip. As the wise words of Proverbs put it:
As you can see I was swept away on a current of thought provoking ideas from Thoreau. I hope to do another post on him and even on the Frivolities of the mind but as night wanes and I grow weary I must get some sleep :). I hope someone will enjoy this. Once again...I'm developing a habit of just posting and not looking over it beforehand...I hope it is alright.
More Thoreau later. My dad is going to read this essay and we're going to discuss it :).
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
written: 1/28/09 8:22 pm
Let me first begin by telling you that the above paragraph I wrote several days ago and decided not to continue because of the stuck up nature of the article. Now I return to it with a renewed vigor because I have just read the essay Life without Principle, by Henry David Thoreau. Now, I don't agree with everything he has to say the therein but it has both inspired me and challenged me.I would highly recommend to anyone to read his essay, because it makes us think and challenges us to clear our minds of simple purposeless thoughts and try delving into the greater riches of life. He doesn't approach it from a Christian perspective, but I believe that if he had it would have attained a much greater height of purpose then it did. Scoff me all you'd like, I'm no brilliant mind and am just expressing my opinion. I'm full of Thoreau right now so let me say, in the words of Thoreau:
I take it for granted, when I am invited to lecture anywhere, that the desire to hear what I think on some subject, though I may be the greatest fool in the country, --and not that I should say pleasant things merely, or such as the audience will assent to; and I resolve, accordingly, that I will give them a strong dose of myself. They have sent for me, and engaged to pay for me, and I am determined that they shall have me, though I bore them beyond all precedent.You are not paying for me nor is this a lecture, but since you are on my blog you are here at your own risk :). Leave whenever you feel inclined.
One of the examples of a time when he delved into a deep topic, but missed the mark because of lack of perspective is this. (Remember all is simply in my own perspective and I'm just adding this to edit out all the I thinks that might make it sound a bit less presumptuous.)
Aaa..well..I cannot find the quote at the moment so if I do I'll post it back here but for now I'm moving on.
There are a lot of memorable and good lovely ideas in this essay. I'll just give you some quotes and my ideas.
When I first started reading this essay I read it silently and while lieing down in the early afternoon. That was a mistake. I hadn't the brainpower to process the ideas expressed and...I soon fell asleep. The next day when I tried to take it up around the same time as the day before I nearly fell asleep again! The appeal for this essay was draining away and my moral was dropping...Then my mom came in to join me and I ended up reading it to her. That helped a whole lot to read it out loud.
These last few days I have been feeling a bit down and out. I was having a hard time seeing any purpose or meaningfulness in my current life, mainly in the last few days. It's mostly to the credit of my laziness in not focusing on school work as much as I should. I didn't feel that my mind or body was being exercised anywhere near it's lowest potential.
Chatting became dull and uninteresting because it felt so pointless and without meaning. Conversations never getting deeper then what kind of livelihood do you plan on having once you're out of school. There wasn't a way of exchanging deeper concepts of life or discussing ideas...I am in search of that now. The lack of imagination in my conversations was getting to be very mundane.
Now, my advice to anyone who gets into the same rut I've been in is exactly what I did. It was hard to get started and I needed my mom to get me into it :), but once I was going I started getting into it. You have no idea how smart it makes you feel reading aloud the writings of someone who has a brilliant way with words and ideas and understanding them. Try it sometime.
After a page or two I hit upon the thought that made me start this post a while back. That's when my interest was sparked. I began this post before I read this essay and it was beginning along the lines of what he talks about in this essay. I barely touched the surface like a butterfly brushes it's wings on a leaf, but I did start something along the lines of this adept philosopher, and that's what stirred my excitement. Did I really start along the same train of thought?
He said:
I often accuse my finest acquaintances of an immense frivolity; for, while there are manners and compliments we do not meet, we do not teach one another the lessons of honesty and sincerity that the brutes do, or of steadiness and solidity that the rocks do.
Now, I do not pretend to fully understand this statement nor to claim I came to this conclusion. It was the frivolity that caught my interest and made me remember the way I had begun to write about it here. Along the line of the idleness of our daily chatter is this next quote that comes from a little farther down the page:
Just so hollow and ineffectual, for the most part, is our ordinary conversation. Surface meets surface. When our life ceases to be inward and private, conversation degenerates into mere gossip.
Isn't this so true sometimes? I have definitely felt this. If we arn't barely speaking about superficial surfaces of our lives such as how our day has been, the movies we watch, the music we listen to, and all other 'small talk' as it is labeled, then we speak of each other's feelings and heart issues in derogatory ways.
We stab each other in the back when we are left to discuss the actions and attitudes of those we know and often delight in turning against in malice once they are out of earshot. Honeyed words that they hear are the covering for our sometime cruel gossip. Ok, yes, I know I just went about in describing it in a dark and morbid way. This is not what I think my current friends are like, but I have had friends of this kind.
I don't fault them wholly for it though, I think in the past it has not always come out of an intent to hurt, though it does, and does intensely, but more out of an ignorance of the pain it can cause. An opening of the part of our mind subject to our fallen nature and the reason we cannot read each other's thoughts. They could be far too hurtful to know. In the privacy of our minds we sometimes think of others what we would never say. Yet sometimes before we truly learn the weight words can have, we let those evil fallen thoughts to slip out in words. Gossip. As the wise words of Proverbs put it:
A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.
As you can see I was swept away on a current of thought provoking ideas from Thoreau. I hope to do another post on him and even on the Frivolities of the mind but as night wanes and I grow weary I must get some sleep :). I hope someone will enjoy this. Once again...I'm developing a habit of just posting and not looking over it beforehand...I hope it is alright.
More Thoreau later. My dad is going to read this essay and we're going to discuss it :).
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Blah, Blah, Bleh, Blah
Hey look..there's a bleh in the middle of all those blahs...how exciting..! That's kinda what my life has been feeling like lately... Not really all that long. Just yesterday and today.
I know it's Really Late...
Ok really quick note. I just had a really really good and long talk with my best friend Eunice about everything. Yes it was about just about Everything! Great fun and now we're going to try and talk regularly. :D :D It's really great to have someone who listens to you! It's wonderful!
Goodnight. It's really late so that's why I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
P.S. I used to be feeling that tod-oops now it's yesterday :S - was an utter wasted and feeling like a trashed worthless day :( but now that I had a good refreshing talk with Eunice it's better.
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Love you God!! Thank you sooo much for your faithfulness~~~~!!!
Goodnight. It's really late so that's why I'm not going to talk to you anymore.
P.S. I used to be feeling that tod-oops now it's yesterday :S - was an utter wasted and feeling like a trashed worthless day :( but now that I had a good refreshing talk with Eunice it's better.
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Love you God!! Thank you sooo much for your faithfulness~~~~!!!
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Amazing Amusement with Apryl, to put it Aptly
I don't have much time as I should be off to begin my quest to finish the hardest part of my school, (the essay) but I will tell you a bit about what I've been up to lately with my friends.
Apryl came over last week, and we had a load of fun. Though I must say it had a not so pleasant but eventful beginning. Apryl came with her dad on his scooter (kinda a slimmer version of a motorbike..I guess..eheh I'm terrible with automobiles..) and they got into a small accident.
They were driving along, Uncle Aiman minding his business and paying attention to all the cars around him, when suddenly a car that was right next to him, within a few inches, started pulling over into the next lane. The guy in the car wasn't even paying attention. He didn't even look over out his side window or else he would have seen the motorbike. No blindspot here.
Anyway, on the whole, it was not Uncle Aiman's fault and thank God the only injuries were bruised fingers (from hitting the side view mirror) for Uncle Aiman, and a slightly scrapped leg for Apryl. Besides that, we had a great time together. Now we are almost done with reading Princess Bride aloud to each other. Only 2 more chapters to go! And while we were reading we were deciding what kind of thing we should memorize. There are mainly two long speeches in the book but we weren't sure which one to do.
We were thinking about doing her first one, which is an impassioned monologue where she professes her love to Wesley! It would do for a very comical one... Rather embarrassing but comical. Then we thought up all kinds of scenarios that we would use. (In a while I'll post this monologue for you to see how crazy it would be to memorize.)
We were thinking how crazy it would be if one of us were out on a date and came to an awkward pause, OH BOY, and then (lets say it's me cuz I need more guts to do it :P) I started pouring out the whole spiel in a crazy melodramatic way trying to make it sound almost sincere and making sure I don't pause long enough to let him break in or anything. HAHAHAHAH!!! ...It would have to be the right kind of guy....hehe. But it would do for a good laugh.
I'll have to come back and tell you more later.
Byee!
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Apryl came over last week, and we had a load of fun. Though I must say it had a not so pleasant but eventful beginning. Apryl came with her dad on his scooter (kinda a slimmer version of a motorbike..I guess..eheh I'm terrible with automobiles..) and they got into a small accident.
They were driving along, Uncle Aiman minding his business and paying attention to all the cars around him, when suddenly a car that was right next to him, within a few inches, started pulling over into the next lane. The guy in the car wasn't even paying attention. He didn't even look over out his side window or else he would have seen the motorbike. No blindspot here.
Anyway, on the whole, it was not Uncle Aiman's fault and thank God the only injuries were bruised fingers (from hitting the side view mirror) for Uncle Aiman, and a slightly scrapped leg for Apryl. Besides that, we had a great time together. Now we are almost done with reading Princess Bride aloud to each other. Only 2 more chapters to go! And while we were reading we were deciding what kind of thing we should memorize. There are mainly two long speeches in the book but we weren't sure which one to do.
We were thinking about doing her first one, which is an impassioned monologue where she professes her love to Wesley! It would do for a very comical one... Rather embarrassing but comical. Then we thought up all kinds of scenarios that we would use. (In a while I'll post this monologue for you to see how crazy it would be to memorize.)
We were thinking how crazy it would be if one of us were out on a date and came to an awkward pause, OH BOY, and then (lets say it's me cuz I need more guts to do it :P) I started pouring out the whole spiel in a crazy melodramatic way trying to make it sound almost sincere and making sure I don't pause long enough to let him break in or anything. HAHAHAHAH!!! ...It would have to be the right kind of guy....hehe. But it would do for a good laugh.
I'll have to come back and tell you more later.
Byee!
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Things I'm Learning...and Downness...
I'm feeling really down at the moment. I think what this whole thing has been for me is a warning. More like several warnings. 1) If I don't save my work my carelessness can easily cost me a lot of pain. 2) I think this is a warning in a small way of what it will feel like if I don't finish the amount of the Nimi story that I need to get done before the time runs out.
I need HELP!!!
This year has been the most eventful year so far. In the first month I, 1) dislocated my kneecap, 2) had a portrait of a friend of mine thrown away (but that ended up being positively hilarious to me simply because of who threw it way...) 3) was given inspiration for a wonderful story, wrote SEVEN pages...and then had that story go down the drain because my MESSED UP laptop decided to shut down instead of going to sleep =.="'
I have a few more but I don't really want to put them up here.
Now I believe that there is a place in heaven where all our broken dreams, lost hopes, abandoned promises, buried treasures, forgotten adventures are waiting for us to go find out how much more beautiful they are there than they every could have become here. I'm in a sad mood...
The one thing I long for now is inspiration of the likes of last night. It isn't the time I spent on it I miss. It's the display of my inspiration that I miss and want back. It is my pride. As the saying goes my pride and joy. Isn't that interesting that we put those two things together? Sometimes the pride we have in things brings us joy. That's what I really lost. The fruit of my small labors and large inspiration. I lost the thing I would have loved to show off. I could have said the things i would love to share, but more than anything it was my pride that made me want to have something wonderful to show off to people.
Does this mean I should stop writing like that? NO. NO NO NOO. I need to press on and forge a way where all the paths that were easily transversed are now hidden beneith brush and snow and leaves and everything. I must forge ahead and it will make me a better person.
As we learned in DG this week. This is how I like to sum up the main point he wanted to get across to us. Procrastination is for Tomorrow, Perseverance is for Today. Or something like that. The idea he wanted to get across was that the small things we start doing now will help begin forming good habits that we can reap benefits in the future.
Another way he put it is this. Every time you put something off the harder it becomes to really start doing it, but then every time you do it 'now' the easier it will be to do it next time you need to. And every time you do it when you don't feel like it you gain a little more control on your habit and a little more self control.
These are thing I want. Oh and one other cool thing that is very encouraging to me. It takes up to 6 months to form a good habit. You may be thinking, 6 months?!?!?! how can that be encouraging?? but it is. I've tried doing things but never got into the habit. Now that I know what it would take to solidify a habit it might be easier to keep going because it's no longer a "forever" until I get the good habit, it now has a timeline.
This is the second post that I'm not going to even look over but just post. I hope you like it.
Amy
I need HELP!!!
This year has been the most eventful year so far. In the first month I, 1) dislocated my kneecap, 2) had a portrait of a friend of mine thrown away (but that ended up being positively hilarious to me simply because of who threw it way...) 3) was given inspiration for a wonderful story, wrote SEVEN pages...and then had that story go down the drain because my MESSED UP laptop decided to shut down instead of going to sleep =.="'
I have a few more but I don't really want to put them up here.
Now I believe that there is a place in heaven where all our broken dreams, lost hopes, abandoned promises, buried treasures, forgotten adventures are waiting for us to go find out how much more beautiful they are there than they every could have become here. I'm in a sad mood...
The one thing I long for now is inspiration of the likes of last night. It isn't the time I spent on it I miss. It's the display of my inspiration that I miss and want back. It is my pride. As the saying goes my pride and joy. Isn't that interesting that we put those two things together? Sometimes the pride we have in things brings us joy. That's what I really lost. The fruit of my small labors and large inspiration. I lost the thing I would have loved to show off. I could have said the things i would love to share, but more than anything it was my pride that made me want to have something wonderful to show off to people.
Does this mean I should stop writing like that? NO. NO NO NOO. I need to press on and forge a way where all the paths that were easily transversed are now hidden beneith brush and snow and leaves and everything. I must forge ahead and it will make me a better person.
As we learned in DG this week. This is how I like to sum up the main point he wanted to get across to us. Procrastination is for Tomorrow, Perseverance is for Today. Or something like that. The idea he wanted to get across was that the small things we start doing now will help begin forming good habits that we can reap benefits in the future.
Another way he put it is this. Every time you put something off the harder it becomes to really start doing it, but then every time you do it 'now' the easier it will be to do it next time you need to. And every time you do it when you don't feel like it you gain a little more control on your habit and a little more self control.
These are thing I want. Oh and one other cool thing that is very encouraging to me. It takes up to 6 months to form a good habit. You may be thinking, 6 months?!?!?! how can that be encouraging?? but it is. I've tried doing things but never got into the habit. Now that I know what it would take to solidify a habit it might be easier to keep going because it's no longer a "forever" until I get the good habit, it now has a timeline.
This is the second post that I'm not going to even look over but just post. I hope you like it.
Amy
My Mac turned off and Destroyed Four hours and 7 pages of work.
Right now I am in agony over what has just happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ARHEEEEEEEEEGGGGGG!!!! I don't know why I'm even writing but I wanted to tell you what it feels like to loose 4 good hours of work. especially when they worked so well!!! I was so happy!!! afjiaofheijaef [ef a af hiaf p[a ia ips[ I'm REALLY ANGRY AT MAC RIGHT NOW. HOW COULD THEY??? HOW COULD THEY FORGET THE MOST BASIC OF BASIC FEATURES IN THEY'RE--
Long pause where I am a bit hysterical in my room going from weeping to tearing at my hair to getting my frustration out at myself, the Apple company, and my computer. Now I am not exactly calm but in a dark determined despairing.
It's amazing how something that I didn't have the day before yesterday could pain me so much at the loss of it today. I've wasted hour after hour away on the computer doing worthless, pointless trash, and now I bemoan and morn for the four hours of inspired writing that I used last night. No, this is not the end. This is the beginning. I want there to be a thousand opportunities to morn and not one time that I will have to morn.
I now want caution to my my right hand and disciplined persistence to be be my left hand along with the figurtive pen I will use to create beautiful masterpieces of writing. Fiction and Non fiction, Poetry, Drama, EVERYTHING. Inspired or dry I will persist. I must for I have no other choice. No I go to do just that.
Long pause where I am a bit hysterical in my room going from weeping to tearing at my hair to getting my frustration out at myself, the Apple company, and my computer. Now I am not exactly calm but in a dark determined despairing.
It's amazing how something that I didn't have the day before yesterday could pain me so much at the loss of it today. I've wasted hour after hour away on the computer doing worthless, pointless trash, and now I bemoan and morn for the four hours of inspired writing that I used last night. No, this is not the end. This is the beginning. I want there to be a thousand opportunities to morn and not one time that I will have to morn.
I now want caution to my my right hand and disciplined persistence to be be my left hand along with the figurtive pen I will use to create beautiful masterpieces of writing. Fiction and Non fiction, Poetry, Drama, EVERYTHING. Inspired or dry I will persist. I must for I have no other choice. No I go to do just that.
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