Really, I don't know what magic is held in this hour of the night. Perhaps it is because of the Bible I half listen to as I try to get to sleep. Perhaps it is the fact that I try and find sleep. Whatever the case this is the hour that my mind is at it's height in the day. I cannot breath but I think and process my life as it is up to this hour.
And the more I think the faster my heart accelerates along the highway of interesting discourse. It finds it's way unwittingly into the most illuminating settings as seems to only be brought on by half sleep. I was thinking about my friends. I thought of how I could write an entire Essay on their virtues apiece. They, as everyone, I believe, have a complexity of mind and character to furnish an essay that distinguishes as quite amazing and beautiful creations in the sight of God. Pardon my formal manner of speaking, though I quite ruin any slight affect it might have had on you by mentioning it, but I have been recently influenced one of the most brilliant pieces of literature.
Pride and Prejudice is written in a way I highly admire and marvel at it's...it's attributes. Words fail me on this point for from the perspective of a prospective writer it contains some of the finest qualities of which a writer would proudly put their name to, that I would very much desire to imitate in such a fashion that would only be intended only as flattery. But seeing such amazing quality in her writing I am certain I could never come close to doing it justice and therefor would only do it harm and injustice if I were to even attempt her style.
That is the very reason I will fill my mind with good wholesome books such as her own and all the other dusty novels that have survived the ages and become immortal books that will not fade from our memories as they did not from those before us. But this is not the reason I was inclined upon to rouse myself and take up my Whitestag and begin my rambling.
Let me see, I was roused to write for the very purpose of recording one such strong emotion as should not be forgotten as it most probably would have been by the marrow. I have discovered two things, both of which are of utmost importance to my welfare, happiness, and purpose in life. As I lay tossing on my bed it came to me, I believe from the one in whom all good inspiration is found, that if I begin a new fresh start by fervently devoting my time in prayer and reading of the Word, then everything I see that is so displaced and altogether undisciplined and unorganized in my life would begin to right itself.
The second point soon followed along another tail of thought. It is this: that if I were to once learn how to become more like my Creator and God, my Savior, I would be able to live for others and thereby find fulfillment in giving pleasure and comfort to all those who surround me. I see that living a life entirely devoted to the benefit of others is the best way to live and also the most satisfying and gratifying way of pleasing the only one to whom we should do anything.
That in essence, living for others does not equal sin and is actually the very fundamental of all those who have lived and died Godly men and woman with a zeal for eternal gain. And the only thing to prevent perfect happiness achieved by living for everyone but yourselves is that very personage who to the very core is of fallen in nature. For we have all fallen to the temptations of the world because we came from the world and have once been captive to the king of sin, the Devil himself.
Until that beautiful day when Jesus rose in great triumph over the grave that claimed him for three days, we were under the evil ones power. But on that day we were given the choice to be set free and no longer be chained to evil depravity, debauchery, and all other detestable things which dragged us through the sludge and slime of the earth. For we did not really realize any evil in our actions until the law revealed it to us.
Then once our conscience was awakened, if not seared, what kind of true joy could we find in all such unprofitable acts of our sinful natures. So now we have a choice, where before none existed. That we can be cleansed is in itself a miracle of grace and mercy from the One who we owe everything. Is it not the noblest and most lovely of things to imitate him in every attribute?
Tell me if my heart speaks foolishly, but is it not the greatest thing to be able to live and walk as he did, in the very likeness of a servant? But of course the whole world protests. Our very own hearts, which deceive us and wish to steal away our true joy, shudder away and want nothing to do with such a way of living.
And that is were the struggle lies. Our flesh and selfish evil nature claws at us, digging it's blackened claws into our sides and choking our resolve from once so happily steadfast hearts. That is where all the pain and the suffering and harship and bearing of the cross come from. Our cursed fallen nature is the reason we must live a fight and find it so hard to lead a life according to the ways of God.
I believe God tried to make it clear to us how hard it is. And many of the things we see as being the most difficult thing in the world is actually the best thing in the world. One such as Romans chapter 12 where it talks about presenting ourselves as living sacrifices on the alter and daily laying down our lives in essence our human nature and everything that pastes the words me, myself, and I to it.
If only we could actually get past that. Then we might have a chance of really following the Lord. If we were totally selfess then we wouldn't have any of the pain and struggle that is the lot of everyone on this earth. Either you your way fight with pain and suffering to the Godly road or you slip into the pit of hell where pain and suffering is eternal. Is it not better to suffer unbearable pain here and now for a mere instant than to live in eternal overpowering wretchedness?
But this is our nature. Our so terrible fallen nature. To fall so short and
Oh there are not words to describe hell! It being the most unimaginable place of horror. And yet we do not look into that pit enough because we prefer to forget what lies so far away in the indeterminable future. We let people around us fall daily into that terrible pit that we so deserve and cannot but turn away our hearts from the grief and the pain for it is too great to bear. A burden carried to the cross that was equal to all the justice we deserve in hell. He gave us a grace that is everlasting and passing of all understanding! How long will we keep it for ourselves? How long will the devil keep close guard on our tongues and minds filling them with uncertainty and doubt to make certain that if he cannot have us rot away in his kingdom of damnation at least we will not be able to bring any others into the understanding of God's truth and Love.
Now at last it is clear, if only for one breif moment that will last no longer then a lighting rod. We are so deserving of hell. That is the terrible awful truth. But we have a God of justice and yet more of mercy and grace. How can we keep this from others? How can we let them sit in darkness refusing to see the light when what we know will send them into an eternal darkness with no return, no more chances and the end of joy for ever. How can this not be expressed enough? And how many sit in darkness who sit in pews and believe themselves on the way to heaven? How many have been deceived by their own 'righteousness'.
There are not words in this primitive language and my even more limited vocabulary to describe hell. Just as equally there are not even wordless things in this world to begin to give any faded diluted vision of the perfection of Heaven. They are so vastly, so eternally different at the very opposite of everything with no place in between for waffling.
Can that not help us to see the importance of reaching those who have not even been told of the existence of either? Or know of both but are deceived in thinking they can get to one when they on the straight path to the other?
I don't know how God can use me or why he even created me to be a part of such a world. But there is an urgency that cannot be seen or expressed properly but only felt and given by God to those who are curious in the least bit to discover the purpose to this world. Last night I asked question after question and found myself slipping into a blazay gray fog of confusion and apethy.
And now my eyes are opened to understanding and before me I see the leaping heights of a blazing inferno filled with all the punishment and wretched misery of the utterly forsaken and hopelessly unforgiven. The shrieks of freakish terror at seeing God, their creator turning his back upon them echo forever into the void and they are forgotten. Forever.
When I was but a little younger and of slightly more innocent less touched heart and mind I saw the slightest glimpse of hell and it made me squirm and thrash at the utter terror and aweful evilness of it. And I would scream out to God at the injustice of it. How could a God who professes his love to us give us over to such a place? Even if his tears did flood the earth because of it. How could he? But then, or now I should say, (please understand I do not profess to know these things and this is all a weak understanding from my frail and young mind) I see, or more feel, also before me the true extent of our fallen wicked nature filled, covered and consumed with every sort of evil. We deformed, distorted, warped, twisted, mangled and disfigured ourselves to the point that we were no longer of God. We took all that God created, which is everything, and discarded it for a despicable void that God could not distinguish as anything He created or made. And in his perfection and infinite unimaginable holy, righteous, pure, good, glorious character of unfathomable, unchangeable justice he could not touch us because he had given us a choice to leave him.
Is that not the root of everything? In God's Love he gave us a choice so that we would be more then just slave-like robots without any true affection or love. That our choice to love him would be worth something. But there had to be an alternate choice, and that of death and destruction. And everything we see, everthing within us that argues against the wonderful unarguable goodness and greatness of God come from the devil who we gave dominion over the world and has changed it into a most terrible place. A place unfit for eternity. A place with so many flaws and half voids or half truths as we call them.
That sin being the reverse of something and not previously existing was so the opposite of everything that was whole and true that it became something tangible and real just as a vacuum is real even though it is only the absence of anything. Therefor this void became as tangible as a solid black diamond that separates us from God that something stronger even than death had to be willing to give by death, life to all who were behind this separation.
And then on the other hand I see before me a place that is not just one scene but all scene's of beauty and loveliness. A blazing Glory of all the most beautiful sunsets and sunrises with more hues then the human eye can conceive letting it's full force flow out across a forest that made it seem all the brighter by the way each tree's leaves turned the light this way and that to display it to all it's best advantages. And nowhere could you look but be consumed by a breathtaking view. Even the sight of the smallest butterfly floating across the scene held all the secrets of beauty the world has ever wished to posses.
(Raw words nothing edited I'm must apologize for that but this is my free grounds..soo..whatever la. XD)
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.Amy
