To Be an Anne Again

I screamed into the darkness. Take me away... Far away. I wanted to go to the lands of my eyes mind--lands of green hollows, daring adventures, swordplay and horseback riding. somewhere I would be alive and living to save, living to protect. A place where animals could talk and elves roamed the great forests making them fairer than the trees, light, and water of our world.

I wanted to live again. Breathe again.

Take my chains and turn them light. Give me joy from the depth of my soul. I want to take delight and a child-like joy in everything I see. The trees, the flowers. I want to be an Anne after my own kind! Someone with eyes for a beauty, seeing romantic things ever. Watching for fairies and deepening my imagination. Feeding it and growing it until it surpasses my worries and doubts.

Would I have to give up any progress I've made on being responsible? I hope not...Anne didn't.

I lay stretched out on my bed in the darkness of an unlit room. The sky must be completely overcast as little light filters through my thin blue-flowered curtains. It's only late afternoon, and rain torrents fall in a soothing clamor outside my window. Ah, it's lovely today. In a completely wasteful way.

I need to work on being more...more...what's the word? Disciplined, that's it.

Well, it's an interlude, I must get back to writing on the Colombia book! It must be written!

Introduction: Abril

Life is a strange experience. Something so small and finite, yet over centuries the greatest of humanity have struggled to understand it. Struggled to grasp and comprehend it so they may be masters of it. Foolishness. If only they knew that mastery is not pleasure and understanding no joy. It is the freedom in dependancy that I know not. That is what they should rejoice in. There is the secret to joy that I will never experience.

But instead they want freedom from their ignorance. What a fickle race they are. Ignorance is bliss, is that not one of their many expressions? When will they learn that the greatest joy is in what they cannot experience with their five senses. Only through the soul can true life be found. But most of them are dead in their souls. Many claim to know the way to life but are blind. How could they understand life when they've never been touched by it? No, it's breathing, tasting, the silent solitude in a single moment, that they do not know.

When they learn the secret to full attention, then perhaps they will live.

Life is now.

Enough about my philosophy--as you call it--you need to know who I am. At least, a little about me. Then you may begin to comprehend, if indeed that's what it is. You want a name perhaps? My name. No, I haven't one yet. You must understand, from where I come there are no names. We remain nameless except when we have discovered who we truly are.

I have not had the great fortune of discovering that yet. For now, if you must have a name, call me Abril. Simple. Uncomplex. So very little like my life. I have a world to show you. One you will never have seen before. Yes, smile and find these words trite. They are hardly enough, but they will have to do.

It is the way you communicate here, isn't it? In my world we have no need of words. My lack, therefore, in words you must pardon. I will do my best to express clearly what I have to show you.

Do you dare experience the world through my eyes?

~Abril~

Defeat a.k.a. Lessons for Success

I can't help but feel a little broken. That's all I've been asking to become, actually. I'm praying for a broken and contrite spirit. I need God's help to live and breathe again. I didn't get a lot done yesterday, because I wasted the day. Now I want to try again see what reasons I have to keep going.

I'm learning something new now. The truth is, I've discovered that it's only through a lot of failure and defeat that you make it to success. If you don't get up again after you fail you'll never fail again, that's true, but you'll never succeed either. Every day that I find it really difficult to write on this book, I am stretching my inner muscles. My discipline muscles. The more I stretch them, and the more continuously I use them the stronger they'll get.

So I'm going to keep pressing on. I can't give up now, I've only just begun. The other day when I was praying with my mom she saw a vision about this. It's really encouraging, because in it I was running a race with hurtles. At first I toppled several over and almost wanted to stop, but God was saying to not worry about them.

"There are plenty more hurtles ahead. Don't worry when you miss a few!" He said.

So I kept going and then was distracted by the forest. It was beautiful and mysterious--enticing me to go have a look at it. God warned me not to go off but keep running on the path. I came to more hurtles and they were much higher. This time they had wine glasses on them and I skimmed over the tops without spilling any of the water. There were people also cheering me on all the time, despite the fact I was running this race alone.

I made it to the end and all the rest is for another time.

WIP WordCount: 15,122

Trial

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