Start with a Hook, End with a Bang?

Sounds like a crazy old man who goes fishing with a revolver. Once he gets a bite, reels it in and pulls it into the boat he shoots the wriggling fish to kill it. Sure, this makes certain it won't jump out of the boat but it also ruins the fish. Oh, I can see him on the pond now. Yeah that wasn't the best idea. The boat's sinking.

Ah well, we shall turn away from such a foolish idea. We are not old crazy men. No. We are young insane writers is that not true? and our hook and bang serve a much better purpose then spoiling and despoiling fish.

In the Twilight It's so Hard to See, What's wrong for Me...

I suppose I should write on you more often. My poor neglected blog, you grow dusty and sad without my seasoned words to perk you up. Not that my words are particularly tasty morssels. My current struggle has perhaps quelled my desire to write. These things are not good. I am losing vocabulary and not strengthening my writing abilities.

My struggle has all to do with that terribly popular series Twilight. I'm so confused about it! I can still vaguely remember the days when I first heard about it and was adamently against it. Slowly over time I changed. When I went to stay with some friends (very wonderful people) the girl is a huge fan of twilight. She showed me a trailer and out of curiosity I asked her about the books.

It seems that my progression has been slow and jerky but in the wrong direction. Stealthily my resolve not to see the first movie was overrun and I watched it. Feeling rather bad about it for a while because I was very unsure if it was the kind of thing I should watch. Then, continuing with my resolution not to have anything to do with the books a year passed smoothly.

Now my brother has read the books, the brother I so admire. He is still in the process of reading them. It shook my resolve somewhat and made me reconsider taking a took at the books. The second movie began to be advertized and I watched the first trailer they released. It looked rather interesting. The second trailer had me wanting to watch it very much. But when I saw the third trailer (which gives a little more of a view of the Volturie--or however you spell it) I was much more hesitant about watching it and decided I wouldn't.

This being still several months before it came out, everything I constantly heard about it began to eat away at my reserved choice. Now that I've seen the third movie I'm all in a fuddle trying to figure out what I should feel if not what I do feel. I enjoyed it. Pure and simple it fed on my girlish heart's Hopelessly romantic state. The Vampires in the Volturie--though disturbing--didn't bother me as much as they should. I felt myself overlooking many of the problems in the movie.

I'm sure someday I will look at this and be ashamed of the way I have behaved in these past several months. Not so much because of what I have written here but because of all that I have not written here. Things that used to be certain in my mind are now questionable. If I don't stop and ask those questions who knows where I'll end up.

So here I am, stopping to ask myself questions in an effort to get to the bottom of this. Is there anything wrong with enjoying these movies or books? I don't feel guilty about it but is that any excuse? The bible talks about thinking on things that are pure, lovely, noble etc.--Is twilight pure? No. Is it Noble? Only in a twisted way.. As for Lovely...well not in the way that God spoke of in the bible.

The greatest danger here, is not so much that I fall in love with Twilight and all the books but more all that comes attached to doing that. My heart and soul will have compromised for entertainment once again. Is it really worth it? I've started across the line I previously determined I'd not cross just as I did before I set that line in place. My descent down this slippery slope could be very rapid if I don't stop and think, clinging to an overhanging branch from the tree of life on the plain above this slope.

But how do I convince myself that Twilight is bad? I am impressionable. I am just a Teen--a teenage girl no less. (emphasis because that is the target of these books.) I haven't even gone into all the problems with the content of the movies and books. The unredeemable state of the characters, the flippancy with which the main character treats her soul, the obsession of the main character with the Vampire. The list could go on and on.

In Fact not only the list but the blogpost. I could continue on my confusion and indecision and all the reasons I shouldn't read or watch anything to do with Twilight. (Indeed my con list is far longer than the short and superficial frivolous pro list.) So, I will end it now as I have run out of time. Do you want to know what conclusion I have come to? Well here it is.

Putting all that I talked with my mom about and all that I've thought and/or written here, I've decided it's best to keep all Vamp-ed ideas on the backburner of my life and focus on more edifying and equally entertaining sources. All I'd ask of you is to think and ponder your decisions before you make them. This is what I'll be trying to do and I hope I've shed a little light on this subject if not nearly enough.

Goodbye!

Longg time no write..

This is the third milkshake I've made in two days. I want to get good at it. Right now I'm listening to Lilith, by George MacDonald. It's verry interesting.

I haven't written in a while because of many things. I've been preocupied and attentive to a slightly different blog I'm afraid...Here's the link if you have any desire to read it.

http://starlikeyes.wordpress.com/

This seems to be my more real life, what's going through my head, blog. The other one has a lot of imagination to fuel it.

Whatever was on my mind..

I feel a bit like one of those animals from an unwritten asope fable. I constantly want to be trying on new skins to find which one best fits me and can't seem to just settle down and be content. I can almost see the entire tale forming itself to be about an unpropitious elephant. At least that's why the elephant is called so.

At times I feel my mind is filled with beautiful shining thoughts that should be displayed on paper. My mind I picture as a long stemming plant with dewdrops of fanciful thought suspended off the ends of delicate leaves just about to take leap. The only problem with this image is the flattened version of the dewy lovelyness once it has let go of it's safe perch. They don't shine with golden light shooting through them when they lay as dark splattered spots of wetness on cold cement.

So often I don't know what to write. Yet I must write. I must go on and press forward seeking betterment in my craft. I only must also pray every day for the help to accomplish that. Speaking of which..I should be off now.

Amy

P.S. Sorry for abandoning you temporarily for another skin. I've come home like a prodigal but don't count on me not running off again. I'm rather like an impish sprite when it comes to putting thought into word.

Scraps and Pieces

I remember the summons. The trumpet call per say. It sounded over my life and left me quivering in the wind like a banner with a sudden realization of new abounding purpose.

My words are powerful. The weight behind what they say could be the unravellings of my dreams. But I won't let it be. I don't know what makes up the composition of a good writer. What people find so delicious about their vivid prose. I find there are some books where each sentence is a mouthwatering morsel to the mind.

At the same time I read books that make me need to fight simply to read through the next page. If they are of edifying quality I do persevere towards the end. If not, well I close them, set them aside and wait for a more benevolent mood to pervade my consciousness before I try again.

The only problem is I have yet to realize what makes the difference between the former and the latter. I am determined to find out even if it takes me my entire life. It seems that one of the few things that has been hugely on my mind lately is writing. I suppose there's no surprise there considering what I am about to undertake.

From the 1 of November until the 30th of that month I have determined to undertake the challenge of so many others. I will write 50,000 words within that time all on the same book. Yep you read it right. I'll just end this postnow to give you time to get over the shock of it ;).

Make of It What You Will...

Every day I fight with that demon that tries to control me. My struggle shows progress from the days when he did have me under his crushing influence. I now have help, but that is a long story I don’t think you would--actually, I think you should hear it. It may be a strange tale but it happened to me. Make of it what you will but this is something I cannot withhold without denying you the greatest experience of my life. The tale of how I first learned to live.

It is the demon that tells me I am worthless. The one who comes to me, drags me to the bottom and after silent screaming tells me no one can hear me. No one would care anyway. That I'm not worth the air I breath. It would have been better never to have existed because then I wouldn't have taken up space.

I take his thoughts and images and ideas shoved down my throat and swallow it all. I take it as fact, a solid reality of what the rest of the world must think. I see from the inside of this dark cone. This existance that defies acceptance and cries out for an end. I take it and want to give up. This is the edge of depression. This is the edge of darkness.

I turn around and look through eyes covered by his lies. Everywhere I see the things that reinforce the power of his bond over me. I forget about his existance. It is only me. Alone I stand faced with the truth that there is no reason to fight. Truth has the greatest power is that not what I've always been told.

I am still and silent. No more hope throbs through my mind like the blood beating through my veins. I am a disgrace of the race I was created to be a part of. Nothing I do or have ever done is worth anything and all I am is a dead weight to the world. I should just give up. No one would care if I simply disappeared. Simply existed no longer. Life would go on.


But there is a side I cannot see from here. I am blind to it's existance. He stands just beyond where I sit. In thunderous anger and panic and tears he pounds with all his mighty force upon the prison of my lies. Sweat turns to blood on his forehead from the excruciating amount of his agony. What does he suffer for so completely? Me.

His voice is hoarse from roaring at the heavens over me. His clothes are in shreds from his prodigious torment over my chains. The mountains tremble with the power of is emotion. Earthquakes and catastrophes cover the land that is empty and without life. He will not give up. In his endurance his passionate fury and vociferations for me he lasts for days in a violent battle for my life.

With dogged tenacity and awe-striking willpower he turns to the last resort to defeat the devil that holds me in its grasp. He stretches out and turns to take the final blow that was meant to end my life. The uproar of the elements, of thunder and oceans in turmoil and lighting and the wrending of the earth, there was a sudden silence. Time stood still, if in this place it existed at all. Nothing stirred for an eternity that lasted three days. The fires and storms ravaging the earth continued in their paths of destruction.

If this were a story this would be the point where everything ended. This would be the point that you throw the book against the wall and have your own little tantrum of the unfairness of it all. But I am here writing this am I not? Had that been the end I would not be alive. He who died was my loving Jealous Guardian. He who died had power to subdue the whole earth. He who died had power to give life and bring distruction.

He who died, died wholly. But then the miraculous happened. The only being in greater athourity than he raised him from his death. In his death he had gone to a place of infernal feriocity. Through fire and brimstone he went to the place too terrible to write about, the place of no return.

He went to the demon who had power over me and fought those three days for me. He took what was given to me. That which I had handed over to it. He took it back to himself. It was life. When once his task was accomplished the one who's athority was greater than his raised him from that death into life once again and put him above all else. His name held the greatest power and authority for he was the one who had battled and fought death and conquered with life.

I was utterly unaware of what raged beyond my silent depression. In the stifling thick darkness I was ready to give up. I longed for an end and reached out to give myself release. But before that darkest deed could be done a dot, a tiny light, distracted my attention. For a moment I had something real to focus on something other than myself.

As I looked through bleary eyes without hope at that small fragment of light it grew. I had become so adjusted to the darkness my eyes began to sear with pain. The pain made me blink and groan reaching up to try and block out the horrible light. The pain began to rouse me, I wanted something. I desperately wanted something for the first time since the beginning. The beginning of what? I didn't know. I wanted that light to go away. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to scream but still I was not awake enough for even that.

I rolled and writhed on the ground trying to block out the light. But it grew brighter. It surrounded me. I forgot where I was and only focused on the pain. Then suddenly a voice like rolling thunder sent a shock like a lightning bolt through my being.

"Awaken. Come to me. Come. Wake up, you have been asleep for far too long."

It was soft and gentle but to my ears that had been deaf to noise for so long it was too loud. A new pain sourced in my ears began throbbing through me. I finally dared open my eyes again. I forced myself to focus through the pain and slowly it began to ease. My eyes began to focus. As they did I saw a man. He was dressed entirely in white and shining like the sun.

He must be where all this light is coming from. I would have asked him to go away if I had been able to think but I couldn't speak. My eyes adjusted more and I realized he was no ordinary man. If I had been fully myself he would have taken my breath away. As I was I lay there forgetting the pain that still throbbed through my head and stared dazedly at this divine being.

He was human, I could see that, but somehow so much more than just human. Words escaped my muddled confused mind to describe him then but still there are no words to express his awesome existance. Like a wave of electric current flowing out in a pure untamed form I was struck by his presence. It flowed through me, radiated from me and utterly surrounded me. I felt more alive then it seemed possible, as if at any moment I might explode from the amount of life surging through me.

To simply be alive in the same world as this being made me want to jump and shout and sing and cry and laugh and...live. Tears blurred my vision and I shook with the powerful emotion that struggled to find its way into expression. I lived again. I was awake. I drew breath for what seemed like the first time. The air set my lungs on fire and again there was pain but I could bare it now. I was alive and he was here beside me. Nothing could stand in our way.

He knelt beside me and gently drew me into his embrace. The sweet rich scent of earth and sky, flowers and fruit and even sound such as that of a mighty waterfall and a cooing dove, filled my lungs and I rested.

After a long while he lifted me in his strong arms and put me on my feet. Looking into his eyes I knew he had a purpose for my life. I knew that I was not worthless to him. He made me want to live, to love, to exist.

"Will you come walk with me?" he asked.

My eyes brightened and I nodded breathlessly. He took my arm in his and turned towards the world.

"I have so much to show you."

I could sense the excitement in his voice and I felt it flood me as well. We took a step in unison and I began to truly live for the first time.

Rubber Band

I'm glad God made me a little like a rubber band. You can stretch me out, twist me around something several times, drop me, or step on me and I'll still bounce back to the way I was originally. If you pull me back but then let me go I'll go flying where you send me. Sometimes I might hurt people without knowing it but I try and help hold things together.

For some reason I'm such a flobient(made up word) person. I will fly sky high with joy and turn around and fall into a deep pit. Thankfully I redily climb out of that pit quickly. Perhaps I feel a little like David. He was a very expressive person. Because his heart and life was so tightly aligned with God, his emotions were tied deeply into that relationship. When he did something that didn't please God he was thrown into the depths of despair until it showed in his physical health.

In my relationship with God purity is key. When I sin I feel like a stone is put on my heart and weighs it down heavily. When I do something that isn't quite sinning but not in alignment with God's will the same feeling comes. I try to hide away from the facts and say to Him and myself,

"No, no. That's not what I mean."

He knows best but I still haven't been able to trust him completely. A lot of that is my fault. I haven't taken the proper amount of time to get to know him. I don't separate a time to spend with him everyday even though I should. I'm in the least busy part of my life and if I can't be with him every day during this time then when will I ever?

So I'm a rubber band in the hands of God. I just haven't let myself be stretched as much as I can be. Instead I'd rather be left hanging on a door handle.

I need to read His Word enter His World and get to know who he is.

Jealousy

Here I am like a long lost relative showing up to drop off a cake like I never was gone. (That's my newest form of an apology for not writing.)

Now onto the topic that is given you in the title. It's a feeling I haven't had frequently over the course of my life. This makes me unequipped to deal with it when it does come to grace me with it's ugly face. I hate how powerless I feel against it. I want to be able to anticipate the green vermin at the door before it makes it's way into my heart.

I have no idea if it is something that should flatter him/her who it is directed at but I know it certainly does nothing to help bring people closer in friendship. There is an unexplainable bitterness that comes into the voice and mannerisms of a person suffering from this slimy creatures presence. Nothing that the victim of a jealous person has done would have triggered it necessarily caused it. Sometimes bragging or any other slightly annoying trait might have lead to it but often the person had little to do with causing it.

When in some amount of success or 'good luck'* the person reaches a goal that said jealous person has dreamed of there is the possibility of such envious thoughts. From personal experience, I have discovered that one of the best way to help loosen the grip of this green demon is by encouraging the jealous person in the area you might figure out that their jealously came from.

Anyway I'd best actually wrap this up and post it. Even if the thought isn't complete.

Amy

Inadequate Transformed by Grace into Beautiful

As I was going through a lot of my posts I noticed a similar theme through it all. Something I know isn't right. When I get close to heart issues I cut myself down and tear my own character to pieces. This is NOT humility. It's lack of self esteem and I'm learning that it makes God's heart ache over me when I do it.

He loves me and doesn't want me to see myself as so inadequate, weak, and unworthy. He didn't create me that way and wants to show to me more and more each day the way he sees me and the way he made me to be. The more you believe something to be true the more likely it will come true. I am beautiful. I know. Not in pride, but in fact. He made me that way :).

If you want more on this topic, I've written a longer segment on it and just say something in reply to this post.

God is My Precious Treasure,

Amy

Precious Treasure of God. :)

Old Drafts, Newly Posted!

I started going through my old drafts and finding ones I wanted posted. Here they are. For one reason or another I wasn't happy with them at the time so I didn't post them. Either they weren't complete or cut too close to the heart in any event. I've posted them up and here they are:

The 'Duh' Moments of Life

Words of Another to Fill for my Own Lack

Skittish Mind of Mine

Music! Musique! Musik! Música!

Life is Life and I am Laughing

I don't want a Relationship, I want a Friend.

Stepping Stones to Godliness in my Heart

He Know's Best, Whether We Like It or Not...

There you go :). I hope some of them are ok.

Disk Golf, Lost, Found, Family, and Friends

It being the 26th of June I am begining to see the error of my ways by not writing and am trying to start being the writer I pray God has made me to be. Through HARD work and CHALLENGES I hope to make it all the way...

It is 1:41 in the morning here and I must go to bed. First though, I must tell you about yesterday. I started the day with a strange dream about living at my Aunt Ruth's house on the bottom of a sloping green mountain that was climbable but very steep. I was with all my cousins and we climbed the hill/mountain in search for a good place to go for a nice walk in the forest. The way to get to which was on a highway at the bottom of the hill. Anyway, we climbed and I didn't look back because I am scared of heights. When we got to the top I almost went over a ridge before I realized it was actually a straight cliff drop to where I wanted to go. The forest was faaarr far away below.

At the top I think we were going to go down the side of the cliff. Anyway there was a contraption my uncle was using to check our healthiness. I was rather worried because I was thinking about how much I'd been eating on this vacation and I'd probably gotten out of shape a bit and gained weight. I woke up before I could find out.

It was the strangest wakeup call I've ever gotten, that was undeniable. My dad and brother, Josh, were singing "Happy Birthday Not to you.". I was stirred out of my deep wondering sleep questioning, "Who's birthday is it then?" I was instantly summoned to breakfast and being fully clothed jumped out of bed and joined the family at the table upstairs at the Boys house :). (Yes the names of our hosts were the Boys.)

After a HUGE breakfast of amazingly good quality we made our way out the door to go have a family outing of Disk Golf. If you don't know what it is. Ask me. I needed to get something at the store before we went so Josh kindly took me there first (No R2D2 it was not your Rolling Stones magazine. I have yet to get that :P :)).

Because of our little excursion we didn't have directions to get to the place to play Disk Golf so we got thoroughly lost. I still enjoyed the time because it was spent with Josh, even if it was a getting-to-be-frustrated-and-currently-preoccupied Josh :). A moment spent with him is never a wasted moment.

We eventually got there (with help) and had a very enjoyable time playing the game. I enjoyed the romance of running through fields of grass in a long flowing skirt. (Girls you should try this sometime :).)

Skipping the time we spent at the bank, I got to see where Joshua works as well as meet his co-workers. Ducky being the most entertaining, fun, and memorable one :). I hung out there for a long while and then went to Barnes and Noble looking for said magazine-ahem :) saying all this cuz you're probably the first to read this :). Instead I found and read the first 60 pages of Miles to Go--Autobiography of Miley Cyrus :).

After watching some more Shrek at the Mac Store, I left with Josh for Fabric Depot, where my good friend Sarah McCarty works. We ooo'd and aaa'd over a lot of cloth and how it would make good fairy/nymph/elf costumes :). We are two peas in a pod really :). Then Sarah took me home to her house and we've been hanging out here since. I've enjoyed our conversations extremely much :). We talked about movies and friends and fears and crushes and all manner of wonderful things :).

Now it has gained time and I say adu at 2:12 AM. Goodnight all who care to read these ventures.

P.S. It's nice to have my possessions back, including my computer :).

Amy

Not Edited :)

Leaving

Here I am my life has lacked involvement and I still don't write on this thing! I'm leaving for the US tomorrow so I wanted to write while I'm still in Malaysia. I hope to write a lot while I'm there but who knows.. I'll try!

Anyway, I've got stuff to finish getting ready before I leave so..bye!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Words of Another to Fill for my Own Lack

Again life carries on and I leave you behind! My inspiration has been as low as my morale.

I know what's wrong the only problem is

my lack of drive and willingness to

accomplish what is necessary,

to return to who I'm supposed to be

and leave who I am
in the dust

forever

Then forever pressing on, I'm pressing on. I'll put all my inhibitions aside

cause I think way too much on a one track mind
.

I gotta get away, get away from all of my mistakes.

I've been a liar and I'll never amount to

The kind of person you deserve to worship you

I can't deny this anymore, the facts ignored all done before
told myself what i need to hear
Putting so much stock
In all of this stuff
Live your life for those you love

And I so hate consequences
And running from you is what my best defense is.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Yeah, I'm not angry
And no, I'm not upset

Our concentration it contains a deadly flaw
our conversations change from words to blah, blah blah
and who I am hates who I've been
cause i struggle with forward motion
So rather than imply
Why don't you just verbalize
All the things that you're trying to say
I'm sorry for the person I became.
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change.
It's taken me awhile
But this is what I've learned

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten
And I'm satisfied to realize you're all I'll ever need
And I know that I have been forgiven
And I just hope you can forgive me too

You looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood

I'm getting into you
Because you got to me, in a way words can't describe
if i had one wish
The love you felt for me was more than
The love I'd wished for all this time

All these words are lyrics from songs that I love so don't mistake them as mine. :) Mostly from Relient K.

Recent Events :) Star Trek!!

Man...I'm sorry I haven't written in SOOO long.. It's been a long while and I haven't felt like writting at all..

I mean come one what's wrong with me?? I've had some really great days I should have recorded and yet I didn't! I mean since I last wrote I've spent a ton of time with Apryl, I had my birthday, Mother's Day passed. I've been to Aquaria(how do you spell it?) with Jey/R2D2 and his Youth Group :). hahah!

Ooo you know what we did last weekend when I was over at Apryl's? Since your silent guessing would be pointless I'll just tell you hahah! We went to see Star Trek!! Yippee!! I wasn't a trekkie but I'm definitely on my way to becoming one hahaha :D. Greaaat movive all except one...ahem...dirty scene =.= have to go and ruin a perfectly good movie don't they?

If you haven't seen it yet then go and watch it :D. Since I spent that night at Apryl's house we stayed up really late (or shall I say not so early? hehe..) and talked for a couple hours. We figured out that it's not Kirk who's the main character of the movie...it's, for many reasons, Spock!

Yep, he's a lot in this one and I think he's a much cooler character than Kirk the ladies man xP. He's so...logical..no hahahah kidding, just sounds like the Vulcan thing to say haha. As for the rest of the movie I can't tell you anything cuz that just might ruin it for you! I think I'd probably give this one a 8 1/2 out of 10 :).

Well, let me now tell you a bit more about my time with Apryl. We went to the movie on Thursday (Opening Night!! haha Last time I did that was for Star Wars III) and got donuts at Big Apple afterwards :D (Note to self and anyone interested: never get donuts on a date =] haha!). After washing off the chocolate that got all over our hands and mouths, we left the Mines (that's where we were) and went to the apartment.

For some reason we decided we hadn't had enough TV yet and we settled down to finish watching an episode of American Idol haha :D. Uncle Aiman went to bed and we quietly took our stuff over to the other apartment that Apryl's family use and decided to be very spontaneous and crazy. Ah, the fun of being able to do nothing important and stay up super late because you know you can sleep in the next day. It's like eating dessert. Having it every once in a while is really tasty but to much of it is both sickening and makes you fat and sluggish XD.

We sank into the black couch and decided to watch a Bollywood movie. By now the time would probably have been somewhere around 11 PM. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Bollywood?? Those shows last for around 3 hours don't they? Well, they do. We were just going to watch it until the intermission came. The only problem is that it never came. We were about 3/4ths of the way through when we figured that out and we just finished the movie.

If you do the math you probably realized what time it was by then. We still hadn't had enough for one night. We got all ready for bed and then talked for another couple hours before we turned out the lights and talked ourselves to sleep. *Sigh* What a day :). We slept in until 2 the next day (can't exactly say morning can I?) and I got up with a sense of extreme vacation. I haven't slept in that late for a very long time and it felt gooood.

I was thinking that only people who spend their time as if they're always half on vacation can have such a good time doing nothing more memorable then simple being together and building close friendships. At least it seemed that way for me in the past. Perhaps only extremes can get this way. Extremely worked out and stressed or Extremely lazy. Ok wait..I'm not calling my friend lazy! She's not. I am :) hehe..

Anywho..we watched the end of Braveheart that day and then they drove me home :). I'd better get going to do school now..hope you liked some of what I had to say..sorry I've been out of the knack a little and need some brushing up on my English and writing skills...

Adios!
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

I don't want a Relationship, I want a Friend.

If I were to explain this it would easily be explaining things that are my secrets :). I just stumbled upon this sentence late last night in the clarity of midnight stillness. It perfectly describes everything I've been going through over the past several months..oiy..I'm tired. And I should be doing other much more productive activities.

The 'Duh' Moments in Life

Guitar! I love playing it now. I'm still not very good but I'm improving and that's what makes it fun. Today I finally did the OBVIOUS and went online to look for help on strumming and reading tabs. Now I'm learning how to play the song I'm Getting into You by Relient K!! Yay!!!

I might start telling my daily events tonight as a pre-going to bed thing. I must say this though before I continue on this blog. All the ideas and thoughts or things I say I'm going to do are just brainstorming stuff and I might never continue along them as the point of this blog is to simply write and write in abundance, that's probably why not many people would take the time to read it...but anyway!

Amy Trying again

Signing off



Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Brainstorming

I know I wasn't going to be on my computer for a while but here I am again. Anywho I'm just dropping a note to tell you I have a ton of ideas for this blog and either they won't even take off the ground or I'll test them out but I hope you find a feature you enjoy.

I've already mentioned one of my ideas but I'm not sure where it will go. Here's a bunch of brainstormed stuff and only the future can tell whether it will actually work or not.

• While I'm in the US I'm going to try and have a daily recounting of what I did from the morning until the evening, a general account of my days activites. Whether you find this interesting or not it's going to be so I can look back and remember my vacation. We'll see how far I get before I am too tired at night to write anything =).
• Another idea is to have a post that starts with a Bible verse/quote/poem or something of the kind and a post that is devoted to delving as deeply as my rather inept mind can on that subject which I choose. XD. I'll probably only write as long as things interest me and therefore some posts might be short and some long. Who knows if I can even do this.
• Another idea is something I've been needing to do. I need to enlarge my vocabulary with a lot of great words. I must start brining them into my stories, into my other writing, and into my conversation. I love big words and I hope this works.
• I'm also going to try and have something to tell you about my latest reads. This should help me keep going with my reading and give you an idea of what my interest are and about the books without spoiling them.

s I have a lot of ideas and these are just a few basic things. I hope to expand and develop this blog as I develop my writing and a capacity to write lenghty amounts in one sitting. I'm learnign slowly and I love this place to be free to delve into it and have at the same time an invisible drive knowing that someone might read this and find a bit of interest in it.

Farewell Fair friends and fiends alike!

Find your way into the light :)

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

School! Farewell Computer!

Sorry I haven't written in a while but I'm actually just writing this to let you know I'm not going to be on for a while...like a couple of days. I know it's not that long considering how far apart some of my posts are but I'll say goodbye anyway :).

I realized it's only a month and a half before we go to the US and I have a lot I need to get done. I really need to ignore all else and focus on school. Thus I say farewell. Arg I need to stop thinking about Youth so much haha. I gotta get school done!! So much to do! So little time. Goodbye~

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Skittish Mind of Mine

It's a few minutes to 2 am. I am exhausted and sick and tired of this stressing situation. I look forward to tomorrow evening because after that I'll be done with this and I can look forward to getting away from here for a bit over a month. If you know of the skit I'm putting on for Easter then you would most likely think that it was the stress in putting that on.

Actually that's not really true. I loved doing this and enjoyed hanging out with most of them. No most of the time I enjoyed hanging out with all of them. The only times I didn't were when there was a problem within me...ahem... Anyway...I'm sorry guys if I've been too harsh or anything!! I'm super sorry :(. I hope I didn't get you annoyed at me for being so tense..

The tangles of my heart, mind, and soul have been deeply involved in this skit. I have been constantly pulling myself in opposite directions until I'm in tatters and falling to pieces. It's not easy to deal with you being mad at yourself haha! :p. I know, I'm weird and most of the time I'm not crazy but I don't have the appropriate words to describe how I feel and it comes across that I'm a little mad..

You know like the fact that I get super angry at myself until I glare off into space and pound the air and sometimes pound the walls with controlled motions. In all truth I'm glaring at myself and getting up tight at my own fallen idiotic self :). I make weak descisions and say foolish things that most people won't notice, but I notice and demand better of myself. I'm working on it. You see, when I glare off into space I usually am moderately sure no one sees me but I picture the face I make to myself and so on..

I try and be very harsh with myself though I fail utterly...I let myself go to far. I am indulgent and spoil myself to the most unacceptable limits. I beg with myself and let do like a child who has a tanturm to get his way.



Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Life is Life and I am Laughing

I believe I'm learning to laugh at myself. That is instead of feeling totally embarrassed when I feel that I look totally ridiculous or do something foolish and perhaps humiliating, I try and smile as if to an inside joke or laugh at myself before anyone else gets the chance and it takes the sting out of any comments from others. It can also take the fun out of them too.

The times I'm not at all good at this is when I say something and later regret it. What I mean is, I go home and (figuratively...most of the time) bang my head on the wall for what an idiot thing to say. I know that probably the people I said it to will forget it and not consider me as stuck up and show offish as I sounded. But I do get really annoyed at myself over such situations.



Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Music! Musique! Musik! Música!

I love this stuff!! I spend a load of time listening to it. In our day and age as teens it is something there are very few people I know who don't listen to some form of it.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

p.s. About the title, order of language: French, German, Spanish

All and Only About...

I've decided to start a new kind of post. I will pick a topic, object, idea, or whatever and write only about that thing. The Title's will be the name of that thing in four languages..sorry I'm no good with Malay...I don't know just wanted to be random.

Ok..so I'm going to try this...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Poetry Posted!

I just put this post up! Please go read my poem and tell me what you think! I know the story is rather shallow and incomplete..but hey it rhymes! No honestly, tell me what you think :).


Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Simplicity is Key

Life and leisure
Pain and pleasure
how to measure
all we have

Joy and pain
loss and gain
mad and sane
cold and plain

where you find
God divine
life is greater
than for
those without


Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Stepping Stones to Godliness in my Heart

Once I am firmly founded in the Faith, then I will seek out such friendships as to strengthen and challenge me. Not by my own strength will I stand firm but by throwing all my trust on the Lord I will find a strength that is indomitable. His wisdom will be mine and my heart, soul, body, and mind will be his to mold as he created them to become.

I will depend on him fully and he will be my shelter and my guide. No one will find their way past his fortified citadel in which I will reside unless invited to enter by him alone. He will guard my heart as it is in his possession and only give it away to whom it is fit and made for.

One resolution I have already made:

I will not date until I am 18 and at that age I will re-examine the state of my heart and soul and hold counsel with my God as to what my new resolution will be.

Stepping stones.
There may be many
but it's much easier than climbing one slick crackles step to the very top that resembles a smooth cliff.

There is such a thing as over admiring someone, over respecting them. We are all human, filled with failings and certain ideas that are dented and perhaps even twisted and wrong. If we put someone above failing, not only will it make them fall all the farther and hit all the harder, it might just happen that they fall on us and we are crushed by it.

Respect is something that should be given freely to all. Admiration is a far more precious gift and should be doled out with moderation and deep consideration. Sometimes it also helps if we do happen to find ourselves giving admiration to someone who perhaps is not quite as deserving of it as we thought, that we keep the fact that we so admired them to ourselves until such a time that they might be greatly benefited by it.

I now have a gift, not yet wrapped, it is a very special gift because it is a story. And what make it so special is it happened to me. Though I must say, only one person will it benefit. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to give it to that one person but I will write it and hope to present it to them when it might actually help them. Once I wrap it in words, I will set it aside in a corner of heaven where God will tell me when to give it.

Amy :) The Lord's Alone

He Know's Best, Whether We Like It or Not...

Every day I find a new fresh reason for God's request of me to give up the one friendship I might value most. And every day I feel as if that must be the very reason. Time after time I see that I was right or wrong and the reasons add up together. But then they must fight, with a certain vigor, against my heart that will occasionally decide to listen to no sense. It is obstinate and refuses to accept the wrongs as more substantial than the rights. But then, it is in the morning's clear fresh light that I see truth written in every wrong and only half hearted truth in every right.

The scales are weighted in a new light and the truth comes undeniably on God's side. I mean to say all of this in how my heart fought against God's Best judgment but all along still knowing at my very core that since it is from God it must be for the absolute best no matter what it looks from my closed perspective.

My mind as circled and circled the situation like a vulture circles their dieing meal. I have gone from wondering if it is from God, to feeling sure that it must be from him, to wondering why it's so bad for me, to feeling that it is good for me whether it is fully from him or not, to feeling that no matter what the things I lose, good or bad, it is God asking me to give it up so I will do it regardless, to feeling that He must have a purpose in it.

And then my mind gets back to wondering if it is from God and so on. If you haven't already noticed, the song by Relient K, Over Thinking, is very applicable to me XD.

All this comes from a situation in my life where someone, without having the slightest idea of it, has much more power and sway over my mind then I would have anyone other than God possess. I am glad that I will be going to the US for a month or two because perhaps it will clear my head and heart so I might be more firmly rooted in The Rock of my Salvation. So that whenever rivers flood their banks and waves come to wash over me with all the power and strength of a full blown storm I will be unmoved, so deeply rooted will my heart, mind, soul, be in the truths and convictions given me to carry out to the fullest of my ability.

I know that someday I will meet the one man who I can trust with my heart fully. Someone who will, with Godly judgment, a like deep love and close following after Jesus, and as steady firm convictions as I have, lead me and guide me through life into the greater Glory beyond.

I understand, at last, why I shouldn't try and gain a friendship at the moment. No matter how compatible our likes and dislikes, I do not have full control of my convictions and heart and therefore am not ready to see opinions of others and decide for myself what is right. At the moment I would be more inclined to sway to their position, whatever it is, then to form my own based on the word of God, or to maintain my already developed one.

I know one argument has risen to my mind time and time again and now it finally loses all it's weight. I finally picked it up and found that although it looked like a lead weight it was no more than Styrofoam. I kept wondering if it were possible that I might have a positive effect such a person. I thought--ugh but it's too silly and rather foolish to describe how much I thought I might be able to have an influence. Such comes from my vain conceit and overestimating of my ability to control not only my own heart, but my words in such a convincing way.

All in all what I've learned:

The Lord is always right, even when I don't want to admit or accept it (hopefully only at first).

Your Foolish Hearted Thinker,
Signing off.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Do you want to see what I have?

Ok..
*Deep Breath*
haha.

I'm going to unleash all these pent up posts that I've been to afraid to share. Well..not ALL of them but a good bunch. I wrote most of them in one day as I believe you will see. Hope you like them even though I didn't have the time or patience to go through them all and ad some bright colors. Not sure if there's anything worth reading in there but then that's me. Eventually I'm sure I'll have something worth your time but for now...

PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK XD.

Here it goes...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

All Things to All People and Yet Genuinely Me

ARRGGG!!! When will I ever learn to write a spirited emotion filled post that is NOT about any particular person!!!!!! GRRRR I WANT EMOTION HERE. EMOTION PEOPLE.

Oh boy now it almost has a bit of my very small director side. I WANT TO YELL AND SCREAM AT YOU AND AT MYSELF. Note to self and everyone reading this post: You is refering to no one. Unless you want to consider me a lunatic with a split personality which I occasionally pertend to be...I have stopped being ashamed of who I am. This IS me. AND IF YOU CAN'T DEAL WITH THAT THEN IT'S YOUR LOSS...no lahh..

If you know me then you know that I'm not like that.. I was just trying it on for size XD. I would normally say that'd I'd try and change but that's wrong. Yes, I believe it's WRONG!! I'm not going to change my personality to suit the pet peeves of people just to feel accepted. I will do everything possible in my power to be a friend to them but I will not change my core.

My existence depends on becoming more the way God created me to be. NOT whatever the whims of my acquaintances and all those around me would have me be. What people think of me only matters as far as the verse from Paul says something along these lines (I can't remember where it is..need to find it XS):

I will be all things to all people.

Yeah well..that's probably not exactly the words but that's the just of it. He was referring to how we should be all things to all people. Anyway I need to be off now so I'll just get this posted!

haha, Whew! I just got a bunch of drafts out there onto my blog! Now my number of drafts is down to 31 instead of somewhere around 45 XD.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Of Things Beyond My Comprehension...

Really, I don't know what magic is held in this hour of the night. Perhaps it is because of the Bible I half listen to as I try to get to sleep. Perhaps it is the fact that I try and find sleep. Whatever the case this is the hour that my mind is at it's height in the day. I cannot breath but I think and process my life as it is up to this hour.

And the more I think the faster my heart accelerates along the highway of interesting discourse. It finds it's way unwittingly into the most illuminating settings as seems to only be brought on by half sleep. I was thinking about my friends. I thought of how I could write an entire Essay on their virtues apiece. They, as everyone, I believe, have a complexity of mind and character to furnish an essay that distinguishes as quite amazing and beautiful creations in the sight of God. Pardon my formal manner of speaking, though I quite ruin any slight affect it might have had on you by mentioning it, but I have been recently influenced one of the most brilliant pieces of literature.

Pride and Prejudice is written in a way I highly admire and marvel at it's...it's attributes. Words fail me on this point for from the perspective of a prospective writer it contains some of the finest qualities of which a writer would proudly put their name to, that I would very much desire to imitate in such a fashion that would only be intended only as flattery. But seeing such amazing quality in her writing I am certain I could never come close to doing it justice and therefor would only do it harm and injustice if I were to even attempt her style.

That is the very reason I will fill my mind with good wholesome books such as her own and all the other dusty novels that have survived the ages and become immortal books that will not fade from our memories as they did not from those before us. But this is not the reason I was inclined upon to rouse myself and take up my Whitestag and begin my rambling.

Let me see, I was roused to write for the very purpose of recording one such strong emotion as should not be forgotten as it most probably would have been by the marrow. I have discovered two things, both of which are of utmost importance to my welfare, happiness, and purpose in life. As I lay tossing on my bed it came to me, I believe from the one in whom all good inspiration is found, that if I begin a new fresh start by fervently devoting my time in prayer and reading of the Word, then everything I see that is so displaced and altogether undisciplined and unorganized in my life would begin to right itself.

The second point soon followed along another tail of thought. It is this: that if I were to once learn how to become more like my Creator and God, my Savior, I would be able to live for others and thereby find fulfillment in giving pleasure and comfort to all those who surround me. I see that living a life entirely devoted to the benefit of others is the best way to live and also the most satisfying and gratifying way of pleasing the only one to whom we should do anything.

That in essence, living for others does not equal sin and is actually the very fundamental of all those who have lived and died Godly men and woman with a zeal for eternal gain. And the only thing to prevent perfect happiness achieved by living for everyone but yourselves is that very personage who to the very core is of fallen in nature. For we have all fallen to the temptations of the world because we came from the world and have once been captive to the king of sin, the Devil himself.

Until that beautiful day when Jesus rose in great triumph over the grave that claimed him for three days, we were under the evil ones power. But on that day we were given the choice to be set free and no longer be chained to evil depravity, debauchery, and all other detestable things which dragged us through the sludge and slime of the earth. For we did not really realize any evil in our actions until the law revealed it to us.

Then once our conscience was awakened, if not seared, what kind of true joy could we find in all such unprofitable acts of our sinful natures. So now we have a choice, where before none existed. That we can be cleansed is in itself a miracle of grace and mercy from the One who we owe everything. Is it not the noblest and most lovely of things to imitate him in every attribute?

Tell me if my heart speaks foolishly, but is it not the greatest thing to be able to live and walk as he did, in the very likeness of a servant? But of course the whole world protests. Our very own hearts, which deceive us and wish to steal away our true joy, shudder away and want nothing to do with such a way of living.

And that is were the struggle lies. Our flesh and selfish evil nature claws at us, digging it's blackened claws into our sides and choking our resolve from once so happily steadfast hearts. That is where all the pain and the suffering and harship and bearing of the cross come from. Our cursed fallen nature is the reason we must live a fight and find it so hard to lead a life according to the ways of God.

I believe God tried to make it clear to us how hard it is. And many of the things we see as being the most difficult thing in the world is actually the best thing in the world. One such as Romans chapter 12 where it talks about presenting ourselves as living sacrifices on the alter and daily laying down our lives in essence our human nature and everything that pastes the words me, myself, and I to it.

If only we could actually get past that. Then we might have a chance of really following the Lord. If we were totally selfess then we wouldn't have any of the pain and struggle that is the lot of everyone on this earth. Either you your way fight with pain and suffering to the Godly road or you slip into the pit of hell where pain and suffering is eternal. Is it not better to suffer unbearable pain here and now for a mere instant than to live in eternal overpowering wretchedness?

But this is our nature. Our so terrible fallen nature. To fall so short and

Oh there are not words to describe hell! It being the most unimaginable place of horror. And yet we do not look into that pit enough because we prefer to forget what lies so far away in the indeterminable future. We let people around us fall daily into that terrible pit that we so deserve and cannot but turn away our hearts from the grief and the pain for it is too great to bear. A burden carried to the cross that was equal to all the justice we deserve in hell. He gave us a grace that is everlasting and passing of all understanding! How long will we keep it for ourselves? How long will the devil keep close guard on our tongues and minds filling them with uncertainty and doubt to make certain that if he cannot have us rot away in his kingdom of damnation at least we will not be able to bring any others into the understanding of God's truth and Love.

Now at last it is clear, if only for one breif moment that will last no longer then a lighting rod. We are so deserving of hell. That is the terrible awful truth. But we have a God of justice and yet more of mercy and grace. How can we keep this from others? How can we let them sit in darkness refusing to see the light when what we know will send them into an eternal darkness with no return, no more chances and the end of joy for ever. How can this not be expressed enough? And how many sit in darkness who sit in pews and believe themselves on the way to heaven? How many have been deceived by their own 'righteousness'.

There are not words in this primitive language and my even more limited vocabulary to describe hell. Just as equally there are not even wordless things in this world to begin to give any faded diluted vision of the perfection of Heaven. They are so vastly, so eternally different at the very opposite of everything with no place in between for waffling.

Can that not help us to see the importance of reaching those who have not even been told of the existence of either? Or know of both but are deceived in thinking they can get to one when they on the straight path to the other?

I don't know how God can use me or why he even created me to be a part of such a world. But there is an urgency that cannot be seen or expressed properly but only felt and given by God to those who are curious in the least bit to discover the purpose to this world. Last night I asked question after question and found myself slipping into a blazay gray fog of confusion and apethy.

And now my eyes are opened to understanding and before me I see the leaping heights of a blazing inferno filled with all the punishment and wretched misery of the utterly forsaken and hopelessly unforgiven. The shrieks of freakish terror at seeing God, their creator turning his back upon them echo forever into the void and they are forgotten. Forever.

When I was but a little younger and of slightly more innocent less touched heart and mind I saw the slightest glimpse of hell and it made me squirm and thrash at the utter terror and aweful evilness of it. And I would scream out to God at the injustice of it. How could a God who professes his love to us give us over to such a place? Even if his tears did flood the earth because of it. How could he? But then, or now I should say, (please understand I do not profess to know these things and this is all a weak understanding from my frail and young mind) I see, or more feel, also before me the true extent of our fallen wicked nature filled, covered and consumed with every sort of evil. We deformed, distorted, warped, twisted, mangled and disfigured ourselves to the point that we were no longer of God. We took all that God created, which is everything, and discarded it for a despicable void that God could not distinguish as anything He created or made. And in his perfection and infinite unimaginable holy, righteous, pure, good, glorious character of unfathomable, unchangeable justice he could not touch us because he had given us a choice to leave him.

Is that not the root of everything? In God's Love he gave us a choice so that we would be more then just slave-like robots without any true affection or love. That our choice to love him would be worth something. But there had to be an alternate choice, and that of death and destruction. And everything we see, everthing within us that argues against the wonderful unarguable goodness and greatness of God come from the devil who we gave dominion over the world and has changed it into a most terrible place. A place unfit for eternity. A place with so many flaws and half voids or half truths as we call them.

That sin being the reverse of something and not previously existing was so the opposite of everything that was whole and true that it became something tangible and real just as a vacuum is real even though it is only the absence of anything. Therefor this void became as tangible as a solid black diamond that separates us from God that something stronger even than death had to be willing to give by death, life to all who were behind this separation.

And then on the other hand I see before me a place that is not just one scene but all scene's of beauty and loveliness. A blazing Glory of all the most beautiful sunsets and sunrises with more hues then the human eye can conceive letting it's full force flow out across a forest that made it seem all the brighter by the way each tree's leaves turned the light this way and that to display it to all it's best advantages. And nowhere could you look but be consumed by a breathtaking view. Even the sight of the smallest butterfly floating across the scene held all the secrets of beauty the world has ever wished to posses.

(Raw words nothing edited I'm must apologize for that but this is my free grounds..soo..whatever la. XD)

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

What I will say, My Mind Leaves Me No Rest

I know someday I will forget all that is so important to me now. The friends I consider so valuable. The people I feel so close too. The ones I long to know better. The home I have here in Malaysia. Everything that is so dear to my heart and mind now will fade into no more then the few pinpoints of light made by pictures and stories.

My heart will not be remembered. Nor will everything I always wanted to say but never knew how to express. I don't know how to live this moment to the fullest. But I want to learn.
How can you miss something that you perfected by experiencing? Perhaps that is the way to avoid regret for not remembering the past. If you try and make the absolute most of every moment then you won't need to try and improve it in the future by reminiscence.

Only to leave it untouched like a delicate butterfly to enjoy once and never regret not knowing what it was. Or perhaps our longing to remember comes from our longing to be remembered which comes from a desire to belong.

How can I know? I'm but a young 16 year old who longs for wisdom and living life to the fullest. I want to glorify God with my life. And learn how to avoid regret. And learn what my purpose is in this present time that I might fulfill it. That is what I long for. Understanding.

I suppose there is also somewhere deep inside me a longing to be acknowledged and a girl with a mind. One that had more depth then the simple skin deep picture the world plasters upon us. That is why I want to see deeper into things then what just anyone can see. I long to understand the way things are supposed to work. And learn a way to try and help them work that way.

I am inspired by one person to write and write and write. I can't say what this means because I myself don't know. It is late and my mind is still whirling. Every time I turn out the lights and close my eyes a new thought flashes across my consciousness and I can't seem to stop writing. So I continue in the hope that something I write will be worth it.

Do I entertain you? Yes I know, there is nothing new under the sun. It is just that we must find those things that have not been out in the sun for a long enough time that they have been forgotten. Therefore they seem new and exciting.

I will keep asking questions in hopes that one day I will stumble upon an answer only to begin uncovering hidden truths and answers all over the place. In other words, my pursuit of knowledge and wisdom will hopefully lead me to them.

If not a word I have said makes any sense to you please read my disclaimer. Thoreau had the right idea when he said those words. I know the tangled fashion in which I write is rather dull or confusing. Perhaps someday I will find something really beautiful and then I'll share my excitement with you.

I will enter a world of the most brilliantly colored thoughts and illustrations, and I will share that with you. Is not good wholesome entertainment what I should try and attain. Give me a purpose and a longing to pursue it and I'll stop asking circular questions and be satisfied to chase after it with all my heart, soul, mind, and body; in essence everything in my being. This being God I need only the deep longing to pursue it.

He promises:
I will give you the desires of your heart.
What a most beautiful two folded promise. It is in itself everything! He first promises to fill our heart with dreams, longings, and good desires, and then turns around and fulfills them!

I must be off to bed as my body will turn into mush if I don't get some sleep even if my mind continues working. I pray this will not be the last time I am filled with inspiration.

Goodnight and Fair the Well!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Bigger or Smaller?

Is it not easier to discourse on small minute subjects than large universal truths?
Let me show you what I mean.
If I were to ask you to write an essay on "What Life Is" how would you react? I know I would be like:
*Blink*
"What?"
Uh...Life is..well..hmm...where to begin..

It's too big to begin anywhere. BUT what if I asked you to write an essay on "The Importance of Eating Your Green Vegetables" wouldn't that be a bit easier?

One perspective out of many.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

My Random Wonderings

I've gotten to thinking. Yes and most likely OVER thinking. Because I've been wondering about the worth of conversations. What is the point of talking, chatting with people? What does it do? Does it benefit the person? Does it benefit you? Or how about this...

If it should then...
How many conversations have benefited you lately? I have trouble answering this question.
What is beneficial to talk about?
How can you have a worthy conversation?
Even if you talk about high things and important ideas to improve your mind how have you benefited?
Is it out of a longing to belong that we spend time chatting?
How can we spend our life and make it worth while?
Ok that was randomly off topic...meness :).
BTT(Back to topic) When are we wasting time and when are we helping each other?
What makes a friend real?
How do you make a true friend?
(quote from zoegirl)What is the meaning of life?
I've asked myself so many times
Is there a reason I'm here
i wish someone would make it clear
cuz I'm livin' from day to day
feeling so far away
maybe this life is not what I thought
keeping my eyes on you is something I've gotta do
even when I don't feel like it!
(hehe..Zoegirl not me)

For now that's the end of my queries.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Those Insolent Imps

UGH! I would like to get my hands on an Inspiration Imp. That's what I think inspiration is. It is on little imps that slip into your mind and whisper things that can become beautiful ideas. BUT THEY LOVE TO DO IT AT THE MOST ANNOYING TIME!

Like when you're about to fall asleep! They stay as far away from you when you grope in the emptiness beyond your mind for something to write. They have no respect for proper priority!

And then.

AND THEN when you are about to slip into sleep your subconscious brushes a brightly colored thought that must be put down immediately or else it will be lost forever. Imps love mischief and that is why I'm certain inspiration must be doled out among a very mischievous group of imps!

As you can see. It is late. I got inspired. It is too rare to pass up. Now I lost my other inspiration in my wrath against those little sprites! So I will attempt sleep once again...
Sorry for the lack of beautification of my posts lately. And for the lack of posts. I'll try and get up my last night inspiration posted soon. XD

It's a poem... XD

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

What I've been trying to say...

inserted 1:25 pm 31 march 2009: Please understand, let me make it clear before hand that this is just what it seems. A POEM. Not all of it is really true. Some of it is inspired by what has happened in my life but it's the overflow of a sentimental heart. Even if it was partially true at the time things can change from day to day but I'm still going to post this thing. All is just a poem, so there. You should consider yourself glad and be thankful that I'm even posting this. xP (hehe unless you find it so badly written..)

So here I am so filled with excuses.
And then I turn away, walk out, stay quiet, and never speak my mind.
cuz all I was I left behind
in your way
but you'll never see it
because I left you too
and never even told you
all that I thought
all that I was
All that you ever meant to me
and everything I wanted you to be
cuz I saw all your potential and didn't know how to say
that what you did
helped me stay on my feet one more day
Once you taught me
and then you gave me
the greatest inspiration of all
that I could stand tall
and ride the waves
that kept washing over me
you'll never see
nor understand
all you've meant to me
cuz I can't say
what I can't be
and all I am I left behind with you
you were a friend
though I'm not even sure
I ever let you know that
and there I was
just wasting your time
saying things that were worthless
I've asked myself so many times
what kind of friendships I so want
and there I was wasting worthless words
on a friend I never got
Instead of saying all I meant
I said all that I could care less
if you ever answered my strange queries
I didn't want to bug you any more
so I should have stayed away sometimes
and let you live you life
and watch you find the right one

And what was I but empty words?
when did I give you the reason?
that I always wished to be
like a sister
like a friend
to you
and I just waited and let it go by
and all I could do is sit by and sigh
but then it struck me that I could pray
and that's what i've been doing all day
I'll pray for you to find the way
that I lost when I met you
so don't find me strange.
don't find me rude
I just wanted to be a friend to you

I know you'll succeed
and then you'll go lead
a life that's lived for the God you serve
and when you die he'll give you life
to live even better then you do now
I'm sorry for the times I left
so many things unsaid
so here I am I've got to say
You're cool, your great
I admire you
Thank you
and good bye
and goodnight to you
have a great life
God bless you
you know you've been like a brother to me?
This may sound weird
that's why I never said it
but you've taught me a lot
though I don't know how to tell you
you were a friend when you didn't know it
and now I am here wishing I had told you
even if you hadn't cared
at least you would have know
that someone else was caring
someone who you could have thought less about
who knew so little but cared a lot
I'm not here to be bought
but given away as freely as God gave all his love to us
cuz he gave me this gift
It's called agape
and I've given it to you
just like he gave it to me
but I just don't know
how to tell you
I just don't see
when to say it
but I don't wanna
say it at your funeral
as I've seen so many regrets
on the faces of people doing just that
when they might have encouraged
instead they were afraid
that they might be rejected
they might be derided
But really life is too short
not to share all the love
and admiration we're given
to give it away
not holding on for way to long
and finding our hands are empty

I want to say so many things
but how can I come and bring
all my friendship when it will sound silly
and sappy and weird
to say that I like you
you're one of the coolest
guys i've ever met

I look up to you
and admire you plenty
but this all sounds silly
coming from me
cuz I just ignored you
for way too long
though inside I was watching
you go along
and seeing the way God wants to use you
and here I am hearing my friends abuse you
now wait no that's not right their your friends too
and I don't feel strong enough
to speak out above the noise
and ask for some kindness
after all they're just joking right?

But please be assured
I'll be praying for you
In God your future's secured
And I know they care too
Please don't be alarmed
but what am I saying?
You'll never read this
and you won't be staying.

I'm a sentimental sap
when it comes to brothers
I think of you as one
though I'm not even sure
I was ever your friend
but I counted you in mine
though you may not ever know

Yes I know you're flawed
But who of us is not?
I never said I like them
but God's working on that
and you'll deal with them in time
maybe when we meet again
on the other side
you'll hear all I left unsaid
while I was here on earth

But nevermind me
I know your busy
Have a great life
and I'll just say this
I'll remember if no one else does.


BUT wait! is this the way I want to live?
Is this the way I'm gonna give
everything I am to God?
Without being willing to share
my heart with those I love
yet they don't even know I care
How do I dare?
to share my friendship
without seeming to want any more
I guess I'll wait
for the right opportunity
The one God gives me
to give you my friendship
and admiration
when you need it most
I'll save it for a rainy day
When life looks bleak
cuz I know right now
it might just be like
water of a ducks back

So for now I'll say goodbye
hoping to be a friend
when you need it most someday
I'll be there to repay
all the help you've given me
without ever even knowing

I'm here but who knows where you'll be tomorrow. God takes us away sometimes...friends separated

I'm nonsense.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

The Light in the Window

There once was a light in the window
that fell on me in the middle of the evening
it came from one such high skylight
where a sunsets rays could not penetrate
When once I stood on one cabinet up high
what I did see was such a sight
as would make any one lady sigh
yes sigh a sigh of delight

For there trapped in the window
was a fairy of fine delicate figure and form
who once was a midsummer day's light
and all arrayed in such glorious bright

for all fairies are light that once did transform
in a storm on the sea at midnight
into the most beautiful brightly arrayed nymphs

Who with delicate wings
did beautiful things
high in that dark midnight sky
Then the sea was so pleased
it's storm was appeased
and the lightning gave over
it's brilliant blinding light
to robe the small figures

now back to my tale
let me finish but never fail
to tell you the beautiful thing
this little trapped vision did bring
to give him who was to free her
she said this to me, "oh kind sir"
so said her silvery voice
"You have but one choice,
"It would do you no harm
"but quite a bit of good
"to let me free, I'll give you my charm
"and ever should you need
"a helping hand from my kin
"ask but for a little kitten feed
"and whatever you had been
"would be gone and what you would be
"is only the most beautiful thing any could ever see
"for you would be king of the Fay
"though you would not have to stay
"if such a life did not suit
"for not until the third day
"would your life begin to take root
"now let us not discourse
"any longer, as now
"I am becoming hoarse"

For you see
fairies have very small voices
and must shout all they say
when speaking to us bigger blokes
and giving us but few choices

I did not much like the thought
of becoming a king of such little folk
but as I had always been taught
I quickly obliged and hurriedly broke
what held the imp in her prison
and before she had risen
I hoped she would melt away
as in stories so many do not stay
to give such blessings that may just cause
more harm then help and have many flaws

But no she was noble
and that I saw; a crown
did grace her high forehead
and flowing liquid light was her gown
with the soft white of swan down

Her eyes were jewels
blue as sapphire were those burning orbs
now I stood there like a fool
for no longer was she but a tiny fairy
she had grown up and out
until she had all light swirling about
her flowing locks
seemed so filled with shocks
that came from lightning rods

But here I am
getting lost in her beauty
and not going on with my tale
as truly it is my duty

as I was saying
she stood in her grace
and I stood praying
she would turn away her face
before I melted into her grace
and lost my mind in the light
that filled my tower room with twilight
So I stood paralyzed

and she strode-no she floated
for she rode on the wind
as thus she was coated
with stars and sunlight
ask me not how

I so wished to bow
but she held out her hand
to stop me and make me stand
now in soft voice
not much louder than before
she gave me that choice
which now made my heart soar

"You have saved a queen
"This gives you a favor
that you may request
For you are the saver
who is so much braver
when given a chance
to go and advance
But let me ask my query
Will you be my King?
And for you I will sing."

I did not understand
all that she said
But one thing I knew
she was giving her hand
to me to be wed
but why would she choose
one whose shoes
were not only larger than her homes
but his livelyhood too

Had fairies such silly frivolity
to so lower their quality
because of one simple deed
they would forever on lead
a life united with one so common?

I feared so greatly
that for this fair lady
I would need to refuse
so as never to misuse
one of such a higher race
as this one ladies Grace

Then as I opened my mouth to speak
she held up her hand and her head
and looked at me instead
this is what she said in a voice so commanding
it made me shake in my boots
"I can but see your thoughts dear one
"and though you are a peasant's son
"I have watched from afar
and have seen on good star
speak of your dreaming
being much more than seaming
and this we both agreed upon
you have the heart of a nobleman.

And my father from afar
sent me here with a tar
to seek out the man
who could dream like a fairy
and be brave like a wherry."

And so much more did happen
she explained who had trapped her
here in the window
and how it had happened
that he should be the one to save her
so I agreed
to go with her away
to meet with he father and there be wed
and thus become immortal king of the Fay
but that was only the beginning of the day!

It is incomplete but I must end it there. Even though the story has only just begun and can't understand all that I had to say because the rhyming took it in a different direction then I wanted :).

Hope you enjoy it!

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Epiphany Strikes

I just had an epiphany and I am too thrilled. I can't say to thrilled for words cuz I'm going to attempt at writing it down. God has been merciful and patient with me these past few months. He's been taking me through a situation and all my terrible foolish, sinful, processing heart.

It is very late tonight but I am too thrilled to go to sleep yet. I have been apathetic and disobedient. I am so thankful that God is so forgiving! He is. I love him and I need help to follow him. I can only hope what I have just gained is not something false or fake and cannot happen in real life. I'm wondering, can I pull this off? Can it really be real?

This is the first time anything like this has happened. It makes me excited and feeling giddy and crazy. I just figured something out from my own life in the exact same way I have ever figured something out in one of my stories! I've been living a story! I can't tell you much of it because it's not right for the other people involved in this story to know the whole thing. Yet. I hope that one day I will be able to share it with them.

I had much more to say but this is the only safe stuff haha! Yeah...realized this doesn't actually say anything...ahem If you wish to know the truth behind this post all you have to do is ask. I will tell you if you want to know XP. Just not now and here.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Inspired when I least Expect It

Inspiration is a flighty thing. Honestly, I believe it has much of a spirit like a fairy. Come on! It comes and pumps adrenaline through your veins for a time and then thins out and slips away leaving you empty minded and handling a motionless pen (metaphorically speaking of course haha I don't use pens.)

This Week the Trend Is..
Love that song! Don't want to be like it at all!! =S. I need a helping hand to clear the ground before I spread my wings and fly away. Ok so I'm filled with aspiration if not inspiration. I think there are a few things I need to do before I can get out of this rut. One of them would be stop using YOUTUBE. I've been addicted aka I've been watching way too much of it.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

When Busy is Not So Busy

I don't know why I've drifted off from blogging. I really want to get back onto it and write at least 3 times a week. Yeah that sounds pretty good. I'll just try and put down some random thing that suits me for that particular time. And if I can't think of anything I'll just find a topic and write about it. Maybe I'll do a couple Free Types haha..instead of Free Writes..

I guess I've just gotten caught up in my everyday doings that I haven't had time to write them down. Isn't it annoying how when you have the most interesting things to write and the ones you'd most like to remember you are also the busiest and least likely to write any of it down while it is still fresh in your mind? Maybe that's just me but I suppose that's why fantasy worlds don't really exist.

If they did, those who had enough imagination to create them and then get into them would be the only ones ever able to experience them. Because honestly, how many of the main characters in the fantasy novels you read have time to journal all the important interesting and beautiful things they see and experience while in the middle of an intense adventure of some sort? Instead it is a writer's place to experience their story second hand as they chronicle it for the world to enjoy.

My mind has been all a buzz lately. I was planning for my party, working on a skit for Easter, going to a conference, and trying to accomplish at least a small amount of school so I don't finish High School at the age of 19. I guess I've been pretty busy. And what makes me even more busy is just the fact that I'm not used to being very busy and therefore have a lot of a harder time kicking myself into high gear.

Anyway, Signing off here since I wrote this a while ago...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Changing Seasons

Just randomness and a sort of letting go. I hate frivolity in myself, but I'd much rather give something up frivolously then to hang on long past the time it should end. Don't worry if you don't understand what I'm saying. It's not important =).

Seasons do come and go

Readily they fade and take up new dress
is that not what the tree's leaves show?
(Dose this mean they are any the less?)
and so the same are the seasons of a heart
young and fresh and not ready for settling
while hearts flutter in young breasts
whence a person of significance does pass
and then they turn their flighty hearts
back to the skies of dreams and hopes
where another face they cannot see
is waiting for those young
sparrow like hearts to soar
far up and find maturity
and love everlasting
love never ending
and also the one who they were destined for
from all their exterior appearances to their core

Thus we were created
A creator with a purpose
we were meant for Him
until he brings the One
who he created for each individual
to find a perfect fit
where two strangers find they knew all along
that this was the person they were waiting for
and two should find each other as
the only One for them
and there you have it
a pair becoming one
to begin a life filled with love
and struggle and pain
but is it not worth fighting for?

Random doodles.. Raw and roughly written in free verse I guess.. Some of you might understand part of it but if you don't then it doesn't matter =). Like I've said before I'm just posting it as it is...

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy

Resolutions, Dreams, Hopes

Here's a list of a bunch of my wannabe resolutions.

1. Spend more time with Jesus the one who loves me beyond all my deserves.
2. Obey him more.
3. Guard my heart from falling in love. I'm way to young anyway..
4. LOVE HIM
5. Be obsessed about Him
6. Wean myself off of Youtube and... him. I'm obsessed about those things..(oo different hims by the way..hehe)
7. Go to bed early and get up early
8. Not to swear
9. GET A TON OF HOMEWORK DONE
10. Write all the important details on my story!!
11. Spend more time with my friends!! YEAH I REALLY DO LOVE YOU GUYS! I WANT TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH YA'LL!
    
12. Spend more time following artistic pursuits.
13. Dream about my future
14. reaaadd a ton more!
15. Encourage people a ton more
16. Say thank you whenever complimented
17. Not hide the way I feel so much because I'm afraid of what they're going to think..
18. BECOME DISCIPLINED
19. Learn how to stop going to Youtube until I never go there again.
20. Gain stamina and strength
21. Enlarge my vocabulary
22. Live with passion and boldness
23. Live out my dreams
24. Discuss philosophy with a couple different people
25. Get to know my brothers better
26. Hang out with my mom more!
27. stop thinking about him...
28. Stop spending *ahem* WASTING so much time on the Internet

But there's one major one that I'll set appart because I really want to accomplish this one and it's quite relevant.

Go to the US and when I return to Malaysia, to come back with an unfettered heart for God alone and without any feelings for any particular guy anywhere in the world.

In other words.

~*(-&-)*~

Crushless.

Sorry I can't write any more. I have tons more resolutions and aspirations but I'll have to save that for another time! This is an old post anyway. Haha! I posted a ton of posts that I wrote a while ago today which is the 31 of March.

Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy