I sit here again, as I always do, thinking about the recent events that have shaped my world for the last few weeks. The lack of all emotion that leaves me void overwhelms me now. In the clarity of the moment I see as plainly as the noonday sun what has been unobtrusively hovering at the edge of my consciousness for the last few weeks.
Something has felt off inside. I don't mean like a light switch. I mean when a poster is slightly crooked and it irritates the daylights out of you but you're not sure which way to move it. Or like an uncomfortable kink in your back that you can't seem to get rid of no matter which way you turn.
Arg. There I go again. One of the things that has felt superficial and out of place is this. In everything I've written or done that will show up on the internet I've always been doing it with someone in mind. Even half subconsciously I've been writing, posting, commenting, in such a way to impress or make a point to this one particular person. I've done it with the intention that he might see it, might notice the way I am, or who I am by it.
Somehow I've been trying to shape an image that might be found interesting by this one person. Now I look at some of the things and feel that same off centered, not wholly true way. It's still me, yes, but at the same time, it's a plastered rather above myself me. An image of myself though slightly enhanced and overdone to be noticed instead of trying to express myself in the true simplicity of pure unpremeditated character that I am.
Thinking is good. Thinking through what you want to say is good. But I came to the point where I crossed a line between thinking out whether it's a good idea or not to have the way I would act and react preplanned. It's almost like deceiving someone. Even though I would still be speaking and acting, it wouldn't be completely who I am.
I've been covering my feelings because they aren't right. Well, not that they're exactly bad, but they just don't fit what God means me to be and have created in me desires that shouldn't be awakened yet. And it's not what you're thinking. Well, not wholly so. (Please understand that this is badly worded to say the least..It's not really serious. Don't worry :P)
Anyway, I'm going to begin shedding this by shedding my artifice. Sorry for all these largish words but I'm in an eloquent mood. What enters my mind, for I am speaking mainly through my mind now, I write. This seems to be the only way I can manage to write anything. And eventually I'm going to have to warn people when I'm writing because if I lose the thought I'm following I'll never regain it. It's like chasing impish fairies that love to dance at the corners of your eyes. Once you are finally able to fix your full vision on them you can't look away or they will dance away into the mist of fancy, never to be seen again. Or at least, very rarely.
Let me see, what was I saying? Well, here I go again, I was just talking to my dad who just got home from Frasiers hill. Let me get back to that thought...how can I adress it. There's something more I need to say. Bear with me as I ramble. I hope this continues. You might ask what I mean and it's simply this. I've found it so hard to get comfortable with writing and yet one of my lifelong dreams and goals was to become a writer. It's not exactly that I've had writers block, but it's just that I've wanted to do it really really well, simply because my dream is to live off of writing.
I've had this thought that's been locking the doors to my writing capacity that is this. To be a writer you must write well. Exceptionally well. I've been wanting to do really well in my writing because there are so many people who have never aspired to write as a vocation and here I am dreaming of it and not being able to do so much as get a proper essay down. Ok. I know that was a really long and probably grammatically incorrect sentence. You know what? At the moment I don't care.
As long as I'm writing what's coming from me and not something apart from me, I'll be doing well. That's why I started doing this. I wanted a way to be able to go from head through pen (or in this case keyboard.) into script.
My mind's trail of thought has changed. Hehe.. It's because I just needed to plug in my computer now that it's down on reserve power. Again, sorry for the well, in my opinion, rather stilted language. I'm in a prosy mood and it almost feels rather out of place to use slang in this.
I would have used another word but now that I can't figure out how to spell it, I'm not sure it even exists.
Back to a previous topic, I've noticed something, almost incomprehensible, changing about me. Almost, but not quite. Now that I've been able to realize what it is I've decided it's not good and I shouldn't have it. I realized that lately my tastes have been changing, and I don't mean in the normal natural way that tastes change as we grow older. I mean they've been changing from a more Christian perspective to a slightly more secular one.
It's been so slight that I didn't really realize until now that I'm starting to like music I always used to find distasteful, slightly disturbing things that strange people do on tv (Such as American Idol) haven't been as repulsive as they used to be. I'm not saying the change has been very strong or that I find certain ways acceptable even though they go against everything I've ever been taught. No. I just mean that I haven't been as unwavering in my opinions about those thing as I used to be.
I'm sorry (once again) to say that whether or not you understand this isn't actually the point. I'm just sorting out my thoughts as I go along, which means I end up with some very confusing conclusions. Whatever you think doesn't matter at the moment.
I might regret being this blunt someday, but I'd better not think about that. At the moment I'm being uninhibited and free enough to do just as I've wanted to do. Write with unfettered, free abandon without the pangs of self conciousness because I think what other people will say about this.
Somehow though, I've found I can't write like this just for myself. I've tried writing on and on like this but it always dried up and I haven't found the words to continue. It seems I need an audience, albeit a completely invisible and non pressurizing audience, but still, an audience. When I know that no other eyes will see this but my own I have total freedom to say as I wish, but I have no drive to do that.
Oh boy, I don't know who would ever want to take the time to read this whole mess of an entry but it feels so good to be able to write like this. It makes my dreams feel possible. You see, I hold this dream of becoming an author. The kind that writes fantasy. But I don't want to just write anything. (I know all authors have this goal but shouldn't we aim higher than even we think we can reach? As C. S. Lewis put it: Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. )
I want to write something meaningful. Something that won't just be a good entertaining read, but will feed the soul of the reader, even unconciously. I've had a belief that you can reach out to someone in a very deep and impacting way through the lightest forms of entertainment. You can touch someones soul and make them think deeply without preaching at them or screaming in their ear.
I've always thought it would be really great to have the added bonus of becoming popular, even famous for the books and gaining riches from it. But now I don't think that would be what is really important. I think the greatest and most valuable thing to aim for is fulfilling God's will in my life. If I can do that, well, there isn't a better reward then the one he has waiting for me.
That's what I'd really like to do. I'd like to show people what God has shown me. No, I don't claim to know great things. I don't want to presume that I have something really worth knowing. I just want to do what God wants me to. And I think this is one of the things.
God has given me a goal to try and get down everything I know about the story he's beginning to shape in my mind by sometime I believe in either April or May or I might lose the entire story. It's not brilliant, but it does scare me to think about losing it.
I've been given a gift. My gift is not that I am a talented writer. Neither has it been a gift of discipline to write. Both of those I need and cannot get without, but they are things I have to work for and earn. My gift, is the story I have to tell. It is not true in the reality that everything about it is fictitious. But the core of it, it's heart, is truth. I'm not trying to say that I have a story that's 'all that'. I don't think it has this heart of truth yet, I'm just trusting in God, that if I fulfill my side of the deal, he, in his perfect, uncompromising faithfulness will fulfill his promise.
Ahh. He's on my mind again. For the long blissful writing of this post he wasn't there to intrusively fill my mind and heart. No I'm going to be rid of these thoughts of him soon. (Please realize I am not talking about an alternate personality that tries to take over my mind or anything. Nor is this some sort of voice of evil that is trying to convince me to do things. It is simply my silly foolish heart and mind thinking on the person I mentioned in the beginning of this long post. And please also realize that it isn't his fault nor does he have any idea of it. That's the one nice thing about this whole senario. Once I'm fully over this/him I can go and become friends with him without any of this foolery to inhibit a simple friendship. But for now I'll just avoid that.)
Now to describe what it's been like to write this lingering post. Oh it was delight! I'm not sure how delightful it will be for anyone to read...but that's entirely besides the point ;P lol. Now I'm probably going to slip a bit into slang hehe. Oh forget it. Say whatever you want, I'll just try and keep this sense of freedom so I can write many more of this wordy posts. After all, at the moment my goal is not perfecting the skill, but simply practicing and developing it a bit.
I've always known that it takes simply a lot, a lot of practice to learn how to write and write well. Practice makes perfect.
Uhoh..I have that feeling like I'd want this post to go on forever...but I'm sure you're thinking WHEN IS THIS EVER GOING TO END??? Well, without further ado I'll end this luxuriously long post.
PS to future Amy, Please don't be totally horrified at how terribly written this was and know that I don't think it's all that great now. It's just lovely practice :D.
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
Something has felt off inside. I don't mean like a light switch. I mean when a poster is slightly crooked and it irritates the daylights out of you but you're not sure which way to move it. Or like an uncomfortable kink in your back that you can't seem to get rid of no matter which way you turn.
Arg. There I go again. One of the things that has felt superficial and out of place is this. In everything I've written or done that will show up on the internet I've always been doing it with someone in mind. Even half subconsciously I've been writing, posting, commenting, in such a way to impress or make a point to this one particular person. I've done it with the intention that he might see it, might notice the way I am, or who I am by it.
Somehow I've been trying to shape an image that might be found interesting by this one person. Now I look at some of the things and feel that same off centered, not wholly true way. It's still me, yes, but at the same time, it's a plastered rather above myself me. An image of myself though slightly enhanced and overdone to be noticed instead of trying to express myself in the true simplicity of pure unpremeditated character that I am.
Thinking is good. Thinking through what you want to say is good. But I came to the point where I crossed a line between thinking out whether it's a good idea or not to have the way I would act and react preplanned. It's almost like deceiving someone. Even though I would still be speaking and acting, it wouldn't be completely who I am.
I've been covering my feelings because they aren't right. Well, not that they're exactly bad, but they just don't fit what God means me to be and have created in me desires that shouldn't be awakened yet. And it's not what you're thinking. Well, not wholly so. (Please understand that this is badly worded to say the least..It's not really serious. Don't worry :P)
Anyway, I'm going to begin shedding this by shedding my artifice. Sorry for all these largish words but I'm in an eloquent mood. What enters my mind, for I am speaking mainly through my mind now, I write. This seems to be the only way I can manage to write anything. And eventually I'm going to have to warn people when I'm writing because if I lose the thought I'm following I'll never regain it. It's like chasing impish fairies that love to dance at the corners of your eyes. Once you are finally able to fix your full vision on them you can't look away or they will dance away into the mist of fancy, never to be seen again. Or at least, very rarely.
Let me see, what was I saying? Well, here I go again, I was just talking to my dad who just got home from Frasiers hill. Let me get back to that thought...how can I adress it. There's something more I need to say. Bear with me as I ramble. I hope this continues. You might ask what I mean and it's simply this. I've found it so hard to get comfortable with writing and yet one of my lifelong dreams and goals was to become a writer. It's not exactly that I've had writers block, but it's just that I've wanted to do it really really well, simply because my dream is to live off of writing.
I've had this thought that's been locking the doors to my writing capacity that is this. To be a writer you must write well. Exceptionally well. I've been wanting to do really well in my writing because there are so many people who have never aspired to write as a vocation and here I am dreaming of it and not being able to do so much as get a proper essay down. Ok. I know that was a really long and probably grammatically incorrect sentence. You know what? At the moment I don't care.
As long as I'm writing what's coming from me and not something apart from me, I'll be doing well. That's why I started doing this. I wanted a way to be able to go from head through pen (or in this case keyboard.) into script.
My mind's trail of thought has changed. Hehe.. It's because I just needed to plug in my computer now that it's down on reserve power. Again, sorry for the well, in my opinion, rather stilted language. I'm in a prosy mood and it almost feels rather out of place to use slang in this.
I would have used another word but now that I can't figure out how to spell it, I'm not sure it even exists.
Back to a previous topic, I've noticed something, almost incomprehensible, changing about me. Almost, but not quite. Now that I've been able to realize what it is I've decided it's not good and I shouldn't have it. I realized that lately my tastes have been changing, and I don't mean in the normal natural way that tastes change as we grow older. I mean they've been changing from a more Christian perspective to a slightly more secular one.
It's been so slight that I didn't really realize until now that I'm starting to like music I always used to find distasteful, slightly disturbing things that strange people do on tv (Such as American Idol) haven't been as repulsive as they used to be. I'm not saying the change has been very strong or that I find certain ways acceptable even though they go against everything I've ever been taught. No. I just mean that I haven't been as unwavering in my opinions about those thing as I used to be.
I'm sorry (once again) to say that whether or not you understand this isn't actually the point. I'm just sorting out my thoughts as I go along, which means I end up with some very confusing conclusions. Whatever you think doesn't matter at the moment.
I might regret being this blunt someday, but I'd better not think about that. At the moment I'm being uninhibited and free enough to do just as I've wanted to do. Write with unfettered, free abandon without the pangs of self conciousness because I think what other people will say about this.
Somehow though, I've found I can't write like this just for myself. I've tried writing on and on like this but it always dried up and I haven't found the words to continue. It seems I need an audience, albeit a completely invisible and non pressurizing audience, but still, an audience. When I know that no other eyes will see this but my own I have total freedom to say as I wish, but I have no drive to do that.
Oh boy, I don't know who would ever want to take the time to read this whole mess of an entry but it feels so good to be able to write like this. It makes my dreams feel possible. You see, I hold this dream of becoming an author. The kind that writes fantasy. But I don't want to just write anything. (I know all authors have this goal but shouldn't we aim higher than even we think we can reach? As C. S. Lewis put it: Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither. )
I want to write something meaningful. Something that won't just be a good entertaining read, but will feed the soul of the reader, even unconciously. I've had a belief that you can reach out to someone in a very deep and impacting way through the lightest forms of entertainment. You can touch someones soul and make them think deeply without preaching at them or screaming in their ear.
I've always thought it would be really great to have the added bonus of becoming popular, even famous for the books and gaining riches from it. But now I don't think that would be what is really important. I think the greatest and most valuable thing to aim for is fulfilling God's will in my life. If I can do that, well, there isn't a better reward then the one he has waiting for me.
That's what I'd really like to do. I'd like to show people what God has shown me. No, I don't claim to know great things. I don't want to presume that I have something really worth knowing. I just want to do what God wants me to. And I think this is one of the things.
God has given me a goal to try and get down everything I know about the story he's beginning to shape in my mind by sometime I believe in either April or May or I might lose the entire story. It's not brilliant, but it does scare me to think about losing it.
I've been given a gift. My gift is not that I am a talented writer. Neither has it been a gift of discipline to write. Both of those I need and cannot get without, but they are things I have to work for and earn. My gift, is the story I have to tell. It is not true in the reality that everything about it is fictitious. But the core of it, it's heart, is truth. I'm not trying to say that I have a story that's 'all that'. I don't think it has this heart of truth yet, I'm just trusting in God, that if I fulfill my side of the deal, he, in his perfect, uncompromising faithfulness will fulfill his promise.
Ahh. He's on my mind again. For the long blissful writing of this post he wasn't there to intrusively fill my mind and heart. No I'm going to be rid of these thoughts of him soon. (Please realize I am not talking about an alternate personality that tries to take over my mind or anything. Nor is this some sort of voice of evil that is trying to convince me to do things. It is simply my silly foolish heart and mind thinking on the person I mentioned in the beginning of this long post. And please also realize that it isn't his fault nor does he have any idea of it. That's the one nice thing about this whole senario. Once I'm fully over this/him I can go and become friends with him without any of this foolery to inhibit a simple friendship. But for now I'll just avoid that.)
Now to describe what it's been like to write this lingering post. Oh it was delight! I'm not sure how delightful it will be for anyone to read...but that's entirely besides the point ;P lol. Now I'm probably going to slip a bit into slang hehe. Oh forget it. Say whatever you want, I'll just try and keep this sense of freedom so I can write many more of this wordy posts. After all, at the moment my goal is not perfecting the skill, but simply practicing and developing it a bit.
I've always known that it takes simply a lot, a lot of practice to learn how to write and write well. Practice makes perfect.
Uhoh..I have that feeling like I'd want this post to go on forever...but I'm sure you're thinking WHEN IS THIS EVER GOING TO END??? Well, without further ado I'll end this luxuriously long post.
PS to future Amy, Please don't be totally horrified at how terribly written this was and know that I don't think it's all that great now. It's just lovely practice :D.
Your's (The Lord's) )Truly!(.
Amy
No comments:
Post a Comment